(I am working the phone at a well-known retail chain when what sounds like an elderly female customer calls.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Hello, dear, I’m not sure who I need to talk to. I was hoping you might have that new Martin Luther King movie in.”

(At this point, the customer starts rambling, which is a fairly regular occurrence. Thinking she’s asking about a documentary, I’m waiting for her to take a breather so that I can transfer to electronics so they can check for the film. Just as I get an opportunity, I register something she’s said.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you just say that Oprah is in it?”

Customer: “That’s right. Oprah Winfrey and Cuba Gooding, Jr. I’m not sure who else.”

Me: “Ma’am, I just realized I know what movie you’re talking about; I saw the trailer a couple of days ago. I’m afraid it won’t be out in theaters until January.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. It’s just that I don’t really like going to the theater. It’s so expensive and smells weird and people can be so rude. That’s why I was hoping to get the DVD.”

Me: “Ah, sorry, ma’am, but the DVD version won’t be released until at least a few months after the movie opens in theaters, so I know for a fact that we don’t have that DVD in yet.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s too bad… Do you think you might get it by Christmas?”

Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I’d just like to have these, please.”

(I scan both items for her.)

Me: “That just comes to [total]. Did you have [Store points card]?”

Customer: “Hang on, this should be free.”

(The customer is pointing to the second item she had purchased. It’s a spare bottle for the blender she has purchased. The part of the box she’s pointing to says BPA free.)

Me: “Ma’am, BPA free doesn’t mean the item is for free. It’s letting you know the chemical BPA wasn’t used in any plastic that could potentially contaminate your food.”

Customer: “But it says free. That’s false advertising.”

(Needless to say she decided not to buy the spare bottle.)

(My boss is coaching me on how to sell more credit cards and product warranties since my numbers have been fairly low recently:)

Boss: “I want you asking every customer who comes through your line.”

Me: “EVERY customer?”

Boss: “Yes, every customer.”

Me: “So, what if they are just buying a soda? How am I supposed to ask them if they want [promotional financing plan] on a soda?”

Boss: “Well, you could still ask them if they want to pay for it with their [Store credit card].”

Me: “And if a kid comes through my line without his or her parents and buys some candy or a drink?”

Boss: *blank stare*

Me: “You have to be at least 18 to apply for the credit card, so I’m not going to offer it to a kid.”

Boss: “Well, no, I don’t expect you to offer it to kids.”

Me: “You said, EVERY customer.”

Boss: “Use discretion.”

Me: “Okay.”

Boss: “But for the most part, every customer. If I walk by from now on and I don’t hear you saying that, I’m going to think you’re not offering it.”

(He made me so paranoid about this that sometimes, when someone DID come up with just a soda and nothing else, I would look around to see if any managers were in earshot before I would start ringing up the customer’s soda, because I didn’t want to be caught not offering it… even if it was in a situation where the offer didn’t apply.)

(This occurs in northern Utah in a city where the majority religion is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a.k.a.: “Mormons”), to which I belong, but this is a big enough city that Christian churches were quite common. A couple approaches me about buying a computer.)

Me: “So, what do you need the computer to do for you?”

Customer: “I need to make some presentations.”

Me: “What kind? Business proposals? Slide shows? Videos?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a preacher, and I need something to make presentations and project them onto the wall for my congregation so they can have some visual aids during my sermons.”

Me: “Got it. Let me show you a few things.”

(We discussed specs, capabilities, accessories, security software, productivity software, and we’re just getting to the service contract options when the conversation takes an abrupt turn.)

Customer: “I just need to be sure it’s going to last a while. I have a small congregation right now, and we don’t have a lot of money. You see, I used to go to [Non-Denominational Christian Church] west of [City], but I didn’t like the pastor there, always lording over the people with what he thought was his authority and power. So I did some studying and started my own church.”

Me: “…I see. And you want to make sure the people coming to worship with you understand the important parts of your sermons.”

Customer: “Yes. PowerPoint will help.”

Me: “I’m sure it could. Now—”

Customer: “Do you have a church?”

Me: “Well, I don’t HAVE a church, but I go to one.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, good. It’s always nice to meet another Christian.”

Customer: “What church do you go to?”

(I state my religion and mention which building in town I usually attend services. I’m about to steer him back to the service contract conversation when his whole posture changes. His face turns a little red, his back stiffens, his hands curl as if about to form fists, and his eyes widen.)

Customer: “You’re Mormon! Oh, Heaven help you! I preach the apostolic gospel of Paul as is written in The Bible. I left [Non-Denominational Christian Church] because [Pastor] refused to preach that gospel. Jesus declared that anyone who should preach anything other than the gospel of Paul will be cursed! That’s why I only preach from The Bible, and I only preach the apostolic gospel of Paul. You Mormons don’t even believe in The Bible!”

Me: “Actually, we do, but I try not to discuss my religion at work. Now, would you be interest—”

Customer: “No, you DON’T! You don’t even believe in Jesus! If you don’t give up your wickedness and become Christian and be saved, your soul will be destined for Hell. It is my duty, as a Christian and as a preacher and as a follower of Paul, to save your SOUL!”

Me: “I’m quite happy with my faith, thank you. Now, if you’ll look at this flyer, you’ll see we have a variety of pricing options for the service contracts, if you want to get one, and—”

Customer: “Here! Take my card! Come to my church! Save yourself! Let me save you!”

(His wife clears her throat and interrupts to tell me which service contract they might be interested in but that they need some time to think about the whole purchase. She thanks me for my time and turns to go.)

Customer: “It’s not too late! We meet in my living room every Sunday at 10:00 and every Wednesday at 7:00. Please come! Uh… Do you have a spec sheet for that second model?”

(I send him on his way. I notice a few other customers staring at me and at the two customers as if we are some gory train-wreck spectacle. I turn to the one who has been waiting the longest.)

Me: “Sir, are you here to save souls or to save money on a computer?”

Me: “May I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’d like this dress shirt in a size small.”

Me: “It appears that the store only carries these shirts down to a medium. But you may feel free to order a small online.”

Customer: “I don’t understand; why it isn’t available in the store?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but our store doesn’t carry it in that size. But you may order it online. It’s practically the same as buying it here.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t just buy it here. Don’t you work in this department?”

Me: “Actually, no. The staff-member that specializes in men’s had a morning shift, so she’s not here now.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t understand why she can’t help me.”

Me: “Um, because she had the morning shift. And since it’s the afternoon, she’s no longer here.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why someone can’t be here to help me.”

Me: “Do you expect everyone to be here 24/7?”

Customer: “I just can’t understand why she’s not here.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a job?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Why aren’t you there right now?”

(Pause.)

Customer: “I can’t talk to you right now.”