(I work in an Australian department store which has a food hall. An elderly customer approaches our bakery which sells fresh cakes and pies.)

Customer: “Hello, dearie, I’d like a steak and kidney pie.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t sell steak and kidney pies, but we do have a selection of others.”

(I proceed to read the selection to the customer.)

Customer: “I’ll have the beef and mushroom pie, then.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Customer: “Can you pack it well? I want to take it on the plane.”

Me: “The plane?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m flying back to London today.”

Me: “You want to take a fresh pie with meat products in it on an international flight back to England?”

Customer: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “You can’t take food that isn’t sealed out of the country and into another one.”

Customer: “Of course I can. Just sell me the pie”

(I sold the customer the pie and I still wonder how far she made it before customs stopped her.)

(I’m at the register when an older gentleman wearing an USMC cap walks briskly into the store. He asks if we still have our jumbo-sized eggs. I tell him yes and point him in the direction. The conversation happens while I’m cashing him out.)

Customer: “Do you have children?”

Me: “No, I do not.”

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Good. When you decide to have children, take it slow. Make sure you do it right.”

Me: “Okay… I will…?”

Customer: “What does your husband do?”

Me: “He works here in the store.”

Customer: “Oh, good. In the meantime, make sure he’s baptized and votes Republican. Have a good day now.”

Me: “You, too…” *to myself after customer walks out the door* “Did that really just happen?”

(I am running cash registers, and an elderly woman comes up with a $50 gift card and items. The woman is pretty chatty.)

Woman: “And my son gifted me this for my birthday. It’s really sweet of him. I’m glad he’s turning things around; he used to get into such trouble.

(I run the gift card, see that it isn’t registering, and try a few more times. I get a manager down to see if they can help. The woman was being quite patient about it. The manager can’t get it to work.)

Manager: “Uh. Where did you get this card?”

Woman: “Oh, my son gifted it to me, why?”

Manager: *hesitates* “I hate to tell you… but the card was never activated.”

(Which can mean the cashier forgot to scan it when it was bought, or more likely, that it was taken right off the rack and out of the store.)

Woman: “Son of a b****! I can’t believe it!”

Manager: “I apologi—”

Woman: “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at my son for gifting me a stolen gift card! When I get home, I will give him a piece of my mind!” *to me* “I’m sorry to ask you to cancel the orders; I don’t have the money to spare right now.”

(She left the store right after. I could only speculate how the call went down!)

(I work in a retail store in the tourist town of Gatlinburg. My coworker and I both live up on the mountain and this winter has been extremely eventful with snow. Several times we have been snowed in. This night, the forecast is wrong and towards the end of the shift it starts to snow heavily. I get my boss’s permission to close early but can’t do so until the last two customers leave. My coworker and I decide to start going through the process of closing hoping they get the hint. Sure enough:)

Man: “Hey, are you closing?”

Me: “Yes, we need to get home because it is snowing.”

Woman: “Really? But it is so pretty out!”

Me: “Yes, but we both live up on the mountain. The roads can get covered in snow fast and since they are so steep, it can be impossible to get home if we don’t leave soon.”

Man: “Oh, man, that sounds bad.”

(The customer’s proceeded to go around the store, looking at everything and asking us questions, ensuring us that they would be leaving “soon.” Twenty minutes late they FINALLY left. It took us another twenty minutes for us to close up. By the time we got out, the roads were covered in snow. I barely made it home, sliding at one point. My coworker was not so lucky; she had to turn around and spend the night in a hotel. I wish we could track those customers down and make them pay. Hope they enjoyed the “pretty night.”)

(My best friend is obsessed with the video game Skylanders. You can unlock new characters in the game by buying new figures for it, and we’re browsing the store for new ones.)

Friend: “I gotta tell you. It’s crazy how much I’ve spent on this. I think I’ve probably spent over $100 buying new figures for this d*** game.”

Me: “You know? I think crack is cheaper.”

Friend: “Yeah, but not as much fun!”