(I have a pretty consistent cough, but I was assured by my doctor that it was nothing contagious, so I head into work. One of my more comedic coworkers hears my cough and asks about it.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], you dying?”

Me: “No, I’m fine; just a cough. You can’t catch it, either, so no worries.”

Coworker: “Oh… well, if you ever are dying, don’t forget to hand in your two weeks notice first.”

Me: *laughs* “I still have to give my two weeks notice if I die?”

Coworker: “Oh yeah, if you die without proper notice, our dearly departed former CEO will be waiting at the pearly gates with St. Peter and they might not even let you in!”

Me: “Wow! I never knew [Company]’s home office was in Heaven!”

Coworker: “No, Heaven isn’t where they keep home office. Home office is… quite a bit further south.”

(I see a woman with dozens of cups on the ground around her, taking each one off the shelf, and onto the floor.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I love these cups but i want 12 of them, all the same color. These are all different shades of blue.”

(She picks a cup from the shelf, and holds it up to the light. She then places it on the floor.)

Me: “Well, my manager doesn’t want customers to know this, but we have to sell those first. I’ll get you the special ones in the back.”

(I go to the back room, and grab twelve of the cups that are the exact same brand, style, and color as the ones on the shelves.)

Me: “Here you go. Just don’t tell my manager.”

(She picks each one up and holds them up to the light. Remember that these ones are identical to the ones she insisted were different colors.)

Customer: “They’re perfect. Thanks so much!”

(I am freshly 18 and working the opening shift in a popular retail chain. I’m the only cashier on duty when a balding man who looks to be in his thirties walks up to the wrong side of my register.)

Customer: “Hey, how old are you?”

Me: *I look very young for my age, so I figure he is just curious about the child working the register* “Eighteen.”

Customer: “Can I ask you out?”

Me: *taken aback and uncomfortable* “Uh…”

Customer: “Am I too old for ya?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Customer: “Well, thought I’d give it a shot.” *walks out*

(A few minutes later my manager, who had been working at the customer service desk near the entrance, walked up to me.)

Manager: “Did that guy leave?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Manager: “He was so creepy! He came up to the service desk and asked me how old you were because he wanted to ask you out. I told him I thought you were 17 because I’d hoped it would put him off, but he said he’d ‘give it a shot anyway’! If he comes back, call me.”

(He didn’t come back that day, but I was very creeped out that he was willing to come onto someone he was told was underage!)

(I am the unlucky customer stuck behind this transaction. It’s the holiday season, so the store is very busy.)

Customer: *after all items have been scanned* “Yes, what’s your return policy on this [Large Electronic Item]?”

Cashier: “For this item, it is a 30-day return policy, but you must have the receipt and all of the original packaging.”

Customer: “So if it doesn’t work, I can bring it back tomorrow?”

Cashier: “Yes.”

Customer: “Okay, let me just get my checkbook.”

Cashier: “If you are paying by check, there is a three to five day waiting period before we can issue a refund.”

Customer: “You just said I could return this tomorrow. Which is it?”

Cashier: “We have to wait for the check to clear before refunding you.”

Customer: “MANAGER! NOW!”

(The manager shows up and the cashier explains the question.)

Customer: “I want to buy this tonight and if I don’t like it, I want to return it tomorrow.”

Manager: “That’s not possible; it takes a few days to process checks. We don’t get many, so they only get deposited twice a week.”

Customer: “Just keep it in your safe and if I don’t like it, you can just tear it up when I bring back the item.”

Manager: “That’s not how that works…”

Customer: “Why not? This is 2016! Can’t you figure out a faster way to handle checks?”

(At this point, I step in.)

Me: “Yes, it’s 2016. Who writes checks anymore? Either buy it and wait to return it or use a credit card or debit card like everyone else, but don’t hold up the rest of us because you haven’t learned that writing a check is the slowest form of payment in existence — for everyone involved.”

Customer: *shocked look* “Can she talk to me like that?”

Manager: “She’s not an employee, so…”

(The lady pulls out a credit card and pays. Really? You had one the whole time, lady?! After she has left…)

Cashier: *to me* “Thanks. I’m not allowed to say what I think!”

Me: “I’ve worked retail management; it’s my duty now to speak up when customers suck.”

Cashier: “I’m so sorry; your candy fell into the bag before I could scan it. Have a great night!”

(I want to buy my first pocket knife. I go into the local knife/sword shop in our mall and notice some cool, basic pocket knives on sale; buy-one get-one. As I go up to purchase them the second one won’t scan.)

Employee: *trying repeatedly to scan the barcode* “Odd, it seems to not want to scan. This may take a moment.”

Me: *chuckles a little but not making the “must be free” joke*

Employee: *completely straight face* “Well I’m sorry, but items that don’t scan are $100k. Will that be cash, debit, or credit?”

(I was shocked for a couple seconds before we both started laughing and he found another code to scan for the same knife. Best twist on the “it won’t scan; it must be free!” joke I’ve ever seen!)