South Paw Prophecy

| | Right | January 8, 2009

Me: “Hello there, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I would like a refund on this item, please.”

Me: “Okay, no problem, sir.”

(I start filling out a refund sheet.)

Customer: “Oh! I see that you’re left-handed!”

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “I pity you….”

Me: “Um… and why should I be pitied, exactly?”

Customer: “How long did your parents live?”

Me: “Er… both of my parents are very much alive, sir.”

Customer: “Oh? What about your grandparents?”

Me: “I saw them a few days ago. They’re alive too, and in great health.”

Customer: “How old are they?”

Me: *telling him their ages* “They’re in great shape.”

Customer: “Then you will die at the age of 70!”

Me: “Here’s your refund, sir…”

Customer: “I wish it weren’t so… good luck to you.”

Me: “Okay…”

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Seek, And Ye Shall Find…Eventually

, | | Right | January 7, 2009

Customer: “Hi. Can I have a cappuccino please?”

Me: “Uh …sorry ma’am, but you’re in a furniture store. We don’t sell coffee.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask for coffee, I asked for a d**n cappuccino!”

Me: “Well, we don’t sell those either.”

Customer: *looking hurt* “Why not?”

Me: “We sell furniture. Look around you….”

Customer: *starts crying* “This is the fourth time this has happened on this street!” *runs out*

(As it turns out, she’d gone into a clothing store, a pharmacy and a grocery store, just to find herself a cappuccino.)

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The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

, , , , | | Right | January 5, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me… where is your dog cookbook section?”

Me: “Um… dog cookbooks?”

Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

Customer: *storms out*

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Fit To Be Wide

, , , | | Right | December 30, 2008

(An angry female customer approaches me with a Nintendo Wii Fit and hands me her receipt.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem with it?”

Customer: “I think it’s broken.”

Me: “All right, what’s going on?”

Customer: “Whenever it weighs me and calculates my BMI, it labels me as obese.”

Me: “And…”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be right!”

Me: “From what I’ve heard, the measurements on Wii Fits are fairly accurate. Are you sure you want to return this? They’re pretty hard to find.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

Me: “No, I’m just saying that…”

Customer: “You just called me fat!

Me: “No, I was just saying…”

Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it. It’s obviously not working right. And, I think someone should talk to the designer; make them use a different word. It hurt my feelings.”

Me: *soothingly* “Maybe you could contact Nintendo; write a letter or something.”

Customer: “You know what, I will! I’ll let them know that their stupid game called me obese and made me cry for three hours straight. I haven’t eaten solid food for two days because of it. I’m so hungry! I almost fainted last night. Do you think I can sue?”

Me: “Well, you can sure try. Have a nice day.”

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Redemption Is Futile

| | Right | December 29, 2008

Customer: “I want money for this.” *holding up a gift certificate*

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we can’t give you money back for that.”

Customer: “But someone gave YOU money for this; I want MONEY for it.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. Our store is closing. I can talk to Corporate and see if they can do something for you, but it’s Sunday and they’re not open today.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! This is horrible customer service. I’m never shopping here again!”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. We’re closing.”

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