(One of my coworkers is walking from the sales floor to the backroom.)

Manager: “Where are you going?”

Coworker: “A customer wants a motorized toy truck for their kid. There are none on the shelf, but I scanned the barcode and the scanner told me there’s one in the back room on the top shelf. I just need to get it down with a machine. I won’t be even five minutes.”

Manager: “You want to go to all that trouble for one toy car?”

Coworker: “It’s the kind that’s big enough for the child to drive in; it’s a 200-dollar sale.”

Manager: “No, that’s too much trouble for one thing. Get back to stocking your aisle and tell the customer that the scanner was mistaken.”

Coworker: “Sorry, but you did hear that it’s a 200-dollar sale, right?”

Manager: “Yes, but we can’t come back here every time the customer wants something. You have stocking to do!”

(A week or so later, I happen to be working alongside this coworker when the same manager walks up to her and the following exchange happens.)

Manager: “Hey, a customer is looking for a packet of seasoning and it looks like there’s one back here. The location is on the scanner here; can you get it down?”

(My coworker reads the scanner.)

Coworker: “[Manager], this is on the top shelf, wrapped in a pallet of mixed merchandise. I would have to get the machine to bring the pallet down and hope that the seasoning is in a place that I can get at without ripping the shrink-wrap. If not, I’d have to wrap the pallet again before putting it back up. All that for a single 50-cent packet of seasoning?”

Manager: “Well, we have to make the customer happy, and every little sale counts, right? Just try to make it quick; he’s waiting.”

(He walked off, leaving both of us just looking at each other, speechless.)

(My husband and I move into a house that has a 23-year-old wall-mount unit which has a microwave and an oven. The oven works fine, but the microwave doesn’t work at all. Husband opens the microwave up, finds the schematics, and determines the problem part. It’s made by [Company], and that is the only place he can hope to find the part, so he calls them.)

Husband: “Hi, I need [part]. Do you have that in stock?”

Rep: “A what? Why do you think you need that?”

Husband: “We have a wall-mount microwave and oven unit, and the microwave doesn’t work. I looked at the schematics and I think that part is bad. Do you have it? How much is it?”

Rep: “Those schematics aren’t for you to look at. They’re for our repairmen.”

Husband: “…so, do you have the part?”

Rep: “You can’t determine what you need. We have to send one of our repairmen out to look at it.”

Husband: “And how much does that cost?”

Rep: “Seventy-five dollars. If he can fix it, that goes toward the repair.”

Husband: “Seventy-five dollars? I could buy two new microwaves for that price!”

Rep: “If he can’t fix it, then that goes toward a new unit.”

Husband: “But it’s just the microwave that’s broken. I could buy a new microwave, for less, and use the broken one as a bread box!”

(And so we did. This company is on the brink of bankruptcy, and I no longer wonder why.)

(A new personal gaming console has just been released, right before Christmas. I’m working in a computer game chain store that has a price match-policy. There’s a few caveats, one of which is that the other store has to have the item in stock. [Big Toy Retailer] has the new console for sale below cost. Because the demand is high, and the supply is low — especially in Australia — the [Big Toy Retailer] has sold out in every store in the country. People still come in to try to get a price match. Most are okay with my store’s policy, but a lot decide to take issue with it.)

Customer: “You say that you price match, so why aren’t you?”

Me: *pointing to the terms and conditions of price matching* “We do, madam, but as you can see here, the competitor needs to have the item in stock.”

Customer: “But it’s cheaper at [Big Toy Retailer]!”

Me: “May I suggest you buy it from them, then?”

Customer: “But they’re out of stock.”

Me: “Yes, they are. Anything else I can help you with?”

(My friends and I are at [Amusement Park]. We stop at a shop that sells sweatshirts so my friend can buy one. We have gotten some of the currency that [Amusement Park] produces; we have $20 dollar bills with popular cartoon characters on the backs.)

Friend: *going up to the counter to pay for the sweatshirt* “Do you guys take [Park Currency]?”

Employee #1: “Yes, we do!”

(While the first employee is behind the counter, a second employee comes up next to my friend and takes the money out of my friend’s hand and holds it up for all to see.)

Employee #2: “Look! Real Money!”

Friend: *confused* “Uh…”

Employee #2: *pulls his pant leg tight so we can see the outline of his knee brace* “Don’t worry; I can’t run away with it, anyway. I probably can’t even run to the end of this counter!” *gives back the money*

(My friend and I had a good laugh with him and all employees at that store. They were great! The store was pretty empty, so we stayed and chatted awhile while browsing.)

(It’s after closing time and my manager, a coworker, and I are hanging around the register while my manager finishes the last of the closing duties. We’re talking about random things when the phone rings. To my knowledge there’s no policy about whether we HAVE to answer it after closing, or if we can just let it ring, but on the rare nights it happens, we sometimes have some fun. My coworker decides to take it up a notch, however, after batting me away. Another thing to note is we do have to answer with, “Thanks for calling [Store] this is, [Name] how can I help?” during regular business hours.)

Coworker: “Hello?”

(Customer response that I can’t hear over the phone.)

Coworker: “Nah, this is my cell-phone.”

(Another response as my manager and I are trying not to laugh.)

Coworker: “Nah, man, I’ve had this number for a while, and I’ve been getting these calls all day, so I guess they changed their number or something.”

(Another pause in which I’m close to dying laughing.)

Coworker: “Nah, it’s fine, man, hope you find their new number.”

(He finally cracks a smile after hanging up, while my manager and I burst into hysterics.)

Coworker: “Teach them not to call me after hours, mother-f*****s.”