I Think It Would Be Best If You Cleave

| MI, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2016

(I am a bartender at a restaurant that has a lot of regular customers. I work mostly at night, and most of the regular bar customers are older men who often hit on staff and make inappropriate and sexist comments. Some examples of things customers have said to me: “You should be a kept a woman. Someone should take you away and take care of you.” “You have beautiful lips.” “You have a beautiful clavicle.” “I like watching your back while you work.” Once a customer didn’t even say anything, just looked me up and down and made a humping motion. This one was directed at my coworker, who was expo and food-runner for the night.)

Coworker: *setting the customer’s food on the bar* “Here is your pasta, sir.”

Customer: *leaning forward and leering* “I just wanted to tell you, you have really beautiful cleavage.”

(My coworker gives him a “F*** You” look and walks back to the kitchen. I just stand there speechless.)

Customer: *looks at me* “Was that inappropriate?”

At Least They Both Forgot

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Romantic | September 24, 2016

(My husband and I are friends with a couple who are very sweet, but sometimes a bit clueless. Their wedding date was June 5, 1993. They invite us to dinner for June 5, 1994.)

Me: *lifts my glass of wine in a toast* “So, here’s to you!”

Couple: *looks at me in puzzlement* “Um, thanks. What for?”

Me: “Your first anniversary – isn’t that why we’re here?”

Couple: “Really? How about that! Nah, we just wanted to have dinner.”

(And, on another occasion…)

Couple: “When is Valentine’s Day?”

Me: “I think it’s on a Sunday this year.”

Couple: “No, what DATE?”

Me: “February 14… Same as every year.”

Not Very Closed Minded, Part 21

, | NY, USA | Right | September 22, 2016

(I work at a well-known coffee chain and we are moving from our current store down the road to a larger building. We have been advertising the move for months and told all our customers that we will be closing for one day to move all of our machines, etc. The front door is locked and has multiple signs on it staying that we are closed. In order for us to move machines out easily the side entrance is held open by a garbage can. All the machines and merchandise left in the store are scattered all over the dining area and counters.)

Customer: *approaches front door and pulls on it vigorously multiple times before realizing it is locked and walking around to the side entrance* “Can I have a medium iced coffee with extra cream?”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, we are closed today. We are in the middle of moving.” *waves arms around pointing to all the machines and merchandise*

Customer: “So I can’t have my coffee?”

Manager: “No, sir, we are closed and we do not have any coffee made or any machines to brew it.”

Customer: “Well, why doesn’t it say that you are closed anywhere?”

Manager: “With all due respect, sir, there are signs all over the front door and the machines and merchandise are scattered throughout the store.”

Customer: “Oh! I thought that meant only the front door was closed. Have a nice day!”

(We all stood there baffled and still laugh about it to this day! Unfortunately he wasn’t the only customer to come in asking for coffee!)

 

Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 8

| TX, USA | Working | September 22, 2016

(My friends and I decide to meet up at a well-known pancake house after band practice. ‘Pokémon Go’ has just come out.)

Me: *as I join my friends at the table* “Hey, guys! I just caught a Vulpix outside, right in the parking lot!”

(Three of the servers whipped their phones out and hurried outside.)

 

The Faint Was No Feint

, | North Adams, MA, USA | Related | September 21, 2016

(I accompany my mother and stepfather out to see my sister sing, and then we all go out to treat her and her boyfriend to dinner. At the restaurant, mom abruptly faints and falls from her chair. Stepdad catches her… and she starts snoring. We all laugh awkwardly as he gently sits her on the floor and shakes her awake, but the laughter stops when she remains unresponsive, even with her eyes open. She eventually snaps out of it, but is disoriented and irritable for a minute. By this point we have called an ambulance, and she is carried out of the restaurant on a stretcher. After a long wait at the hospital we are told that she’s recovered and that there’s no reason to expect a repeat incident or how to avoid a repeat incident. She is discharged and we head back to our cars.)

Step-Dad: *to boyfriend* “Now you’ve got the BEST meeting-the-parents story EVER!”

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