Me: “Hello, welcome to [Fast Food Restaurant]. What can I get for you tonight?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Yes, sir, what would you like?”

Customer: “Cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay. Would you like mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on that?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, all three on the burger?”

Customer: “NO, D*** IT! JUST ONE CHEESEBURGER!”

Me: “Yes sir, but would you like mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on the cheeseburger?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Are you still there?”

Customer: “I want a Coke!”

Me: *regretting my life choices*

(My brother and I have just picked up dinner, and we are heading to the parking lot. I also happen to be very accident prone. I end up breaking my toe on one of the cement parking blocks outside, while trying to step over it.)

Me: *carrying the drinks* “Ow! Ow!” *winces in pain*

Brother: *feet ahead of me, and not bothering to turn around* “You’d better not have spilled my tea!”

Me: “Hi, I’ll take a veggie bowl to-go.”

Employee: “Okay, what kind of meat would you like on it?”

Me: “No, just a veggie bowl, please.”

Employee: “Oh, okay. Would you like vegetables on that?”

Me: “You’re asking if I want vegetables on my veggie bowl?”

Employee: “Well… uh… some people don’t like them!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I would like vegetables on my veggie bowl.”

(My fiancé has just proposed to me, so we’re calling our families to tell them. My dad is quite stoic, and as I’m the only girl, the chance of any man getting his approval is slim to none.)

Me: *on the phone to my mother* “I’m getting married!”

Mum: “What?!”

Dad: *in the background* “What?”

Mum: *to dad* “She got engaged!”

Dad: “I’m not paying for it.”

Me: *to my fiancé* “That’s the closest to his blessing we’re going to get.”

(I’m busing tables at a small, family owned restaurant. There is another restaurant about fifteen minutes away with the same name, so we sometimes get mix ups. We are just started to slow down after a fairly busy dinner rush when I overhear the hostess talking to a customer.)

Hostess: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I placed an order with you guys and I’m here to pick it up.”

(The hostess checks but sees no order for her.)

Hostess: “I’m not seeing any order under your name. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally call [Other Restaurant] instead?”

Customer: “How DARE you accuse me of being that dumb? Of course I called here! You just can’t do your job right. Look in the back; I’m sure they have it!”

(The hostess goes to the back waitress station but doesn’t find it. She decides to call the other restaurant, and, sure enough, they have her order.)

Hostess: “Ma’am, I just called the other restaurant and they have your order. If you’d like, we can put your order in now but it won’t be done for another fifteen minutes.”

Customer: “NO! I need my food now! Give me someone else’s. I have stuff to do!”

Hostess: “I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am. You can either drive fifteen minutes to the other restaurant, or you can wait fifteen minutes and get it here.”

Customer: “Hmph, fine! I guess I’ll wait, but this is the worst service I’ve ever had!”

(As she waits, the customer stands at the counter while tapping her her foot and staring at her watch. When her food is finally finished, she tears it out of the hostess hands and storms out.)

Customer: “I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS S***HOLE AGAIN!”

Next Customer: *to the hostess* “…and we’re all very thankful for that!”