We’re Closed Eight Ways From Sunday

| ME, USA | Right | October 12, 2016

(It’s Father’s Day. It’s been about 20 minutes since we’ve had new customers, and it being five minutes before we close, my manager gives the kitchen the OK to shut down. Not one minute after the kitchen has closed, a group of three walk in.)

Me: “I’m sorry folks, we just closed.”

Man: “But it’s Father’s Day!”

Me: “I know, and I’m sorry, but we close at eight on Sundays.”

(They start complaining about how it’s a special day for him and that we should serve them, when the man suddenly looks at me.)

Man: “But it’s not eight yet!”

Me: “It’s five minutes before…”

(They walk out grumbling.)

Manager: “If they wanted to make it such a special day for him, why couldn’t they get him a steak and cook it for him themselves?”

The Sounds Of A Hire Power

, | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Working | October 12, 2016

(I am sitting at a table, eating a burger, when…)

Kitchen: *CRASH*

Kitchen: *BANG*

Kitchen: *Wilhelm Scream*

Kitchen: *tinkle tinkle*

Manager: *over the intercom* “Attention diners: if you know anyone in need of a job, we are now hiring.”

In Spitting Distance Of Being An A**-Hole

| Dallas, TX, USA | Right | October 11, 2016

(Two teenage couples come into my section to eat. The two guys order full meals, one of the girls orders a glass of water, and the other orders a side salad. I have been joking around with the two guys, but the girls have given me nothing but icy stares and short answers. Another waiter delivers the food and forgets to bring the salad. I come up to the table.)

Me: “How is everything?”

(The girl who ordered the salad looks at me and throws her hands up in the air.)

Me: “Oh, no, it looks like my colleague forgot your salad. I’ll be right back.”

(I retrieve the salad quickly and return it to the girl. As I set it in front of her:)

Girl: “God, what took so long?”

Me: “The cooks weren’t finished spitting in it yet.”

(Her eyes just about popped out of her head and the guys just started laughing. Luckily the guys paid and tipped well.)

Blood Is Fatter Than Water

| CA, USA | Romantic | October 11, 2016

(We’re all sitting down and my cousin and I are talking about blood type. I ask my dad, who is more on the heavy side, what blood type I am and this is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “What blood type am I?”

Dad: “O.”

Me: “How do you know? What blood type are you?”

Dad: “B.”

Me: “Really?”

Dad: “C.”

Me: “There is no C.”

Dad: “Oh, then BC.”

Mom: *out of nowhere* “Yeah, he’s obesity.”

Dad: “I love you, too.”

(We’re still seated at the buffet while I’m typing this…)

Not Going To Cry Over This Onion

| Canada | Working | October 7, 2016

(About twice a week, I go to a burger place during my lunch break. The burgers are expensive, but worth it because they have gorgeous, fresh, unusual ingredients. Instead of ordering those ingredients separately, you choose from burgers with pre-set combinations of toppings. I order one of my usuals.)

Me: “Hi, can I have [Burger], but with no onions, and with [substitute sauce] instead of the regular sauce? I know it has onions in it and I’m allergic.”

Clerk: “No problem!”

(I sit down to wait for my order, and the owner comes up to chat with me. After a bit of small talk, he seems to get to his point.)

Owner: “I notice you always order everything without onions. What exactly would happen to you if you ate them?”

Me: “Well, I get a lot of intestinal distress. Stomach pains, horrible nausea, things like that. So I guess it’s more of an intolerance, really. I just say ‘allergy’ because it’s easier to get my point across. Even a little bit of onion can make for a really bad day.”

Owner: “Oh, so it’s not like you’re going to stop breathing or anything. It’s not life-threatening.”

Me: “Well, no, but it can be extremely painful and uncomfortable. And the problem could get so bad that I’d have to go home from work, and I really can’t afford to do that.”

Owner: “Gotcha. Well, let me go check on your order.”

(When my order is up I head back to work to eat it. When I open the bag, my order has onions on it and no substitutions for the sauce. I know it’s easy to make mistakes so I’m not angry, but I do call the restaurant since I don’t have enough time left in my break to go back.)

Owner: “My cooks must have made a mistake. It’s not that much of a problem though, is it? You said it’s not life-threatening. You can still eat it.”

Me: “I just wanted to call it to your attention so that you can let your staff know to be more careful. I know mistakes happen, I’m just letting you know. With allergies and intolerances, it’s important. And actually, I can’t eat it. I can’t risk getting sick.”

Owner: “I’m sure you’ll be fine. We can’t be making you special orders all the time because you’re afraid of getting a little gassy. It’s a waste of our time.”

Me: “I see. Well, no worries, then. I won’t be ordering anything at all from now on.”

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