I am serving a table of – for lack of a better term – a bunch of obnoxious businessmen who have time-warped in from the 1960s. They’re loud, sexist, creepy, and only insist on eating the manly things like steak (I know this because they mocked the salad section of the menu and called it “gay.”)

The leader of the obnoxious group, whom I call Mr. ObNox has summoned me with a click of his fingers.

Mr. ObNox: “Why are there only the standard whiskeys on this menu?”

Me: “That’s just the standard drinks menu, sir. We have an extended drinks menu that has more top-shelf—”

Mr. ObNox: “Stop, you’re already talking too much. We’ll take six of your top whiskeys! We’re celebrating tonight!”

Me: “Sir, our top whiskey is the Macallan f—”

Mr. ObNox: “Yes! Macallan! Whatever! Bring us six!”

Me: “To confirm, sir, you want six of our top Macallan?”

Mr. ObNox: “Did I stutter?”

Me: “No, sir, you most certainly did not.”

I am sure you know where this is going. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that our most expensive whiskey is fifty years old, and it was definitely going to stand out on the bill. 

When it came to bill time:

Mr. ObNox: “What the f*** is this? Why is my bill [thousands of dollars]?!”

Me: “Most of that comes from the fifty-year-old Macallan that you ordered six of, sir.”

Mr. ObNox: *Going pale.* “You… you never told me it was that much!”

Me: “Do you recall me confirming that you wanted to order the top Macallan we have, sir?”

Mr. ObNox: “Well, yes, but—”

Me: “And did I stutter?”

Mr. ObNox looks like he’s about to go into a rage, but his (slightly less drunk) coworkers start insisting that he not make a scene. The manager is called and facts are confirmed, and my manager stands by my version of events.

Manager: “I’m going to insist that you stand by your bill, sir.”

Mr. ObNox: “But… I can’t afford it.”

Manager: “Then we will have to call the police.”

Mr. ObNox: “Nooo! Don’t do that! This meal was meant to be a company expense but we were given a budget of [one-quarter of what was eventually spent].”

Manager: *Trying to help him.* “That’s a very generous budget for a business dinner! How about I put the food on a separate bill for your business card, and you can split the cost of the whiskeys amongst the six of you.”

This suggestion resulted in protests from the other guys, claiming they can’t afford it, and that they were told the meal would be paid for by the business.

Eventually, Mr. ObNox had to put the whole meal on his business card to avoid getting arrested. We never saw him again, but we would have loved to have been a fly on wall in his office when he had to explain THAT expenses bill!

I work as a cashier in a takeout restaurant. A customer comes in and tries to open the door to the occupied one-person bathroom. She comes up to my cash register in a rage.

Customer: “THE BATHROOM IS LOCKED!”

Me: “The bathroom is locked because another customer is using it.”

Customer: “BUT THE SIGN ON THE DOOR SAYS, ‘FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY’!”

Me: “So then a customer is using it.”

Customer: “But I am a customer!”

Me: “We often have more than one customer at a time.”

The customer just stares at me in a rage as her eyes slowly come to terms with this mind-blowing truth that she’s just realized for the first time… as an adult.

Customer: “Well… you… should have fewer customers!”

I am a hostess at a successful mom-and-pop restaurant. I am getting ready to open the restaurant for lunch on a freezing January morning when I notice a homeless lady wandering outside on the sidewalk. She comes in, and she reeks to “high” heaven. She is holding six dollars in her hand.

Customer: “Can I buy a cheeseburger and some coffee with this?”

We haven’t opened for lunch yet and the cheeseburger meal costs somewhere in the $7 to $8 area, but…

Me: “Yes, that’s enough.”

I ring up the order and get a large cup of hot coffee (free at this point) and hand it to her. She frowns.

Customer: “This is just way too much coffee! I want less coffee!”

Not being in the mood to argue about it, I just take the coffee and pour some of it into a smaller cup. While waiting for her food to cook, she sits on a bench at the front of the restaurant and talks to herself about “the syphilis going around” and lots of random crap I can no longer recall.

Finally, when the cheeseburger and fries are ready, I bring her a to-go box.

Me: “Did you need anything else?”

She opens the box and stares at the burger. A look of horror comes over her face. She turns to me and starts screaming.

Customer: “YOU… SLUT! HOW COULD YOU?! I COULD NEVER EAT SOMETHING SO PHALLIC! THAT IS NASTY! IT’S PHALLIC!”

She threw her hot coffee at me — she missed, fortunately — and stormed out of the restaurant without her food. A hot dog or something I could understand, I think, but a burger and fries?

I work at a Mediterranean restaurant. On the front page of our menu, we have appetizers under the title “Appetizers.” On the next page, we have a list of sides, and above that, a listing titled “Half Appetizers”, which are half portions of the appetizers listed on the first page (half hummus, half spanakopita, etc).

A customer is ordering.

Customer: “I’d like the hummus and spanakopita. I’m sharing an entree with my friend.”

A lot of people do this, so I don’t think anything of it. I bring out the appetizers, and she eats them without any word or complaint. After the meal, I bring them their check, and then it all goes downhill.

Customer: “This is too expensive! I wanted the appetizer portions.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that’s what you were eating.”

Customer: “No, I ordered the appetizers. You’re charging me too much.”

Me: “Ma’am, you got the appetizers, just like you asked. Are you perhaps talking about the half portions?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s what I wanted. Why are you charging me more?”

Me: “I brought you the full orders; the half orders are half the size of what you got, which is why they’re less.”

Customer: “Well, you should have known that I wanted the smaller ones. It’s your job to figure out what the customer wants. I was ordering from the other part of the menu.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll try to make it clearer; however, I did not see which part of the menu you were looking at when you were deciding.”

Then, she told me she was going to “let it go” and that she just wanted me to “learn from my mistake” and she left me a tip of $1.50 on a $20 check.

I work at a restaurant on the beach in Florida. A customer parks their car out front and enters the building.

Me: “Would you like to sit inside or outside today?”

Customer: *Literally having just walked in from outside* “Well, what’s the weather like?”