Cause And Defect

, , , , , , , | Right | October 26, 2017

(I work as a hostess and cashier in a 24-hour diner while in high school. One of the waitresses is basically the epitome of all diner waitresses; she’s in her 40s but looks older, she has a gravelly, whiskey-and-cigarettes voice, she takes no crap from anybody, she’s very popular with all our regulars, and she’s absolutely unflappable. It’s a weekday in the summer, late evening, after the dinner rush but before the bars close and all the drunks come to us, so it is quiet. My manager and I are standing behind the main counter near the cash register talking, and [Waitress] has just refilled coffees for three guys in a booth and is standing there chatting, holding the half-full coffee pot in her right hand. She is mostly talking to the two guys on the left side of the booth, and apparently the guy on the right side thinks he isn’t getting enough attention, because all of a sudden he reaches out and grabs her butt cheek.)

Me: “Oh, my God, [Manager]! Did you see? That guy just groped [Waitress]!”

(The manager heads for the gap in the counter to go intervene — I don’t think he knows what is coming, just that it won’t be pretty — but without even missing a beat in her conversation, [Waitress] just turns her hand over and pours the entire remaining contents of the coffee pot into the groper’s lap.)

Groper: “F***! S***! You b****!”

(At this point, one of his buddies “helpfully” tips his glass of water into the groper’s lap, and my manager is laughing so hard that he has literally fallen on the floor. The ice water bath does cool the guy’s scalded scrotum enough that he is able to get up and come yell at someone less likely to conk him with the coffee pot than [Waitress], and as [Manager] is still on the floor and thus out of sight, that’s apparently going to be me.)

Groper: “Did you see her pour coffee on me? I want her fired!”

(I am a particularly baby-faced 16-year-old at this time, so how he thinks I have the authority to fire anybody, much less this waitress literally old enough to be my mom, is beyond me. I look to my manager for help, but he’s still down, laughing so hard he’s wheezing. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure he’ll have my back if I need it; he’s like that.)

Me: “Yeah, I saw it, right after I saw you grab her butt. We don’t have to put up with that.”

Groper: “You… I… She can’t! I’ll call the cops! Yeah, that was assault. I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Well, I guess you could. Or you could just hang around; there’s usually a couple of them dropping in around now for some coffee before they go round up drunks. They like to sit in [Waitress]’s section, so that’ll be convenient. You can tell them your version, and we can tell them how she was so startled her hand slipped after some pervert grabbed her butt, and we’ll see which one they think is assault.”

(At this point the guy just shrieks and stomps out. One of the busboys who’s come out of the back to see what the commotion is about starts to run after him, since he’s walking out on the bill, but our manager, who has managed to regain his feet, waves him off — it’s just coffee, not worth chasing an angry customer into the dark. Meanwhile, the other two guys who were with him come up to the register, and even though they’ve gotten separate checks, they pay his, too, so that works out.)

Groper’s Buddy: “Sorry about him. His girlfriend dumped him, and he’s totally been acting like an a**hole.”

Me: “I think you might have your cause and effect switched around there, but yeah, okay.”

Don’t Swallow It

, , , , | Working | October 25, 2017

(Some colleagues who like scuba diving are explaining it to the rest of us:)

Colleague #1: “You just have to remember that you can breathe underwater; don’t spit out your regulator no matter what, and then you are fine.”

Colleague #2: *non-diver* “What happens if you drop it?”

Colleague #1: “You have a spare clipped to your waist.”

Colleague #2: “So, when you put the spare back in your mouth do you just have to swallow the water?”

Colleague #3: “No, there’s a button that ejaculates the water.”

(The rest of us completely lose it.)

Colleague #3: “I think the word I was looking for was ‘evacuates.’”

Tipped To Be A Great Night, Eventually

, , , , | Hopeless | October 24, 2017

(A few years ago, I worked in a small, family-run Italian restaurant. On a busy Friday night, a young couple comes in to eat and asks me for the bill when they finish. I take the bill over and they pay by debit card. After they pay, I thank them for coming and go back behind the counter to prepare another table’s bill. Afterwards, they come up to speak to me.)

Customer: “Hi, we’d just like to say thank you for the great service and food, but we feel really bad; we have no change for a tip.”

Me: “Oh, don’t be silly! That’s fine. Honestly, it’s no problem. I’m glad you enjoyed it!”

Customer: “Thanks for being so understanding; we really feel bad, though.”

Me: “Honestly, don’t feel bad; it’s enough for me to know you enjoyed it. Have a great night!”

(They leave and I get on with the night. About 20 minutes later, I am at the counter and someone calls out.)

Customer: “Hi again. We came back to tip you.”

(He hands me a £10 note.)

Customer: “We wanted to come back after we’d been to the cash machine; we really did have a great time.”

(I thanked them profusely and they left. I was so shocked they went out of their way to come back, even though I really didn’t mind I’d not been tipped. The service industry is hard work, but it’s people like that who make the difference!)

The Couponator 3: Rise Of The Coupons

, , , , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(I am working at the cash register during our supper hour when we get a lot of customers coming through. Note that very recently, we have released coupons to arrive in the mail for every household, as well as printable versions. Customers are allowed to use more than one coupon at a time.)

Me: “Hi, I can help you over here.”

Customer: “I have multiple coupons today.” *pulls out her purse and proceeds to pull out five printed coupons*

(These coupons are “Buy one, get one free.” So, with a sandwich and a medium fry, one can get a second sandwich for free. She starts giving me her order, consisting of four burgers, four orders of nuggets, two chicken burgers, one large wrap, two small wraps, and five orders of fries.)

Me: “So that’ll be $51.95. Is this for here or to go?”

Customer: “That’ll be to go, dear.” *sits down and waits for her order*

(A coworker helps me deal with the rest of the customers in line. While they come and go, the first customer patiently waits for a while, staring at her remaining coupons, before coming back up to the counter. She calls me over to help her.)

Customer: “I would like to remake my order, using these coupons instead.” *she presents five printed coupons for a “two can dine for $10.49” deal*

Me: “Um… Let me ask a manager to see if they can help out.”

(I find the closest manager and explain the situation, and my manager refunds the order and hands her back her money. She then proceeds to put in the same order, using the new coupons. These coupons come with two sandwiches, two medium fries, and two medium drinks per coupon, so her order now also includes ten orders of fries and ten drinks. When asked if this is all right with the customer, she responds that it was fine.)

Manager: “So, after putting in the new coupons, your total is now $70.08.”

Customer: “But each coupon is $10; that can’t be right.”

Manager: “It’s $10 per coupon, but this is also with your drinks and extra fries, plus your wraps.”

Customer: *slams down her refund money from earlier* “Well, this is unacceptable! I want my order done the way it was before!”

(My manager had to redo the order once again, leaving my coworker to deal with the rest of the crowded lobby. Our line-up didn’t get any smaller as long as she was there, who kept us busy for about 20 minutes to make sure her order was done correctly.)

Pray For Those Students…

, , , | Right | October 23, 2017

Customer: “The medium drink is bigger than the large, right?”

Me: “No. The medium drink is smaller than the large.”

Customer: “Oh, so the small is bigger than a large. I’ll take that, please. I’m a teacher, so I know things like this.”

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