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… And This Is Before He Got Buzzed

, , | Right | November 13, 2007

Winemaker: “…as you taste this pinot you might notice flavors like cherry, vanilla, and roasted meat.”

Taster: “Wow, yeah! That’s amazing. Do you put all that stuff right in the barrels?”

Winemaker: “Ummm…no. Wine is only the fermented juice of the grapes. Those flavors come from the soil…”

Taster: “Oh I see. So you bury it all around the plants.”

Taster’s Girlfriend: “Honey, we should go.”


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Act Like A Kid, Get Treated Like One

, , | Right | November 12, 2007

Me: “Welcome to [Ice Cream Store]. What can I get you?”

Customer: “I’d like a twist on a sugar cone.”

Me: “I’m sorry we can only put soft serve on a wafer cone. Is that all right?”

Customer: “Yeah that’s fine.”

(She pays, and I give her the ice cream)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “Your order, ma’am.”

Customer: “I ordered a sugar cone!” *throws her ice cream on the floor* “I demand my money back!”

Me: “If you want another ice cream I’ll give you one for free, just as long as you don’t throw another tantrum.”

Customer: *strangely calm* “Thank you.”

Yet Bats Drink Blood And Dogs Eat Poop

, | Right | November 11, 2007

Me: “Would you like half and half?”

Hippy Woman: “Oh no! Soy, please. Humans aren’t supposed to drink milk you know. Haven’t you noticed we’re the only species that drinks the milk of another species?”

Time To Stuff Someone’s Mailbox With Flat Lids

, | Right | November 8, 2007

Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”

Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”

Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”

(I go and get my manager)

Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*

(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)

Manager: “Go ahead then.”

Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”

Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”


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There Once Was a Man From Nantucket…

| Right | November 4, 2007

(I worked at this local market as a kid during the summers on Nantucket. Here are some questions the tourists asked.)

Random Customer #1: “Where is the beach?” (We’re on an island?)

Random Customer #2: “Where’s main street?” (The store was on main street.)

Random Customer #3: “When did Nantucket become a part of the United States?” (The same time as the rest of Massachusetts. It’s not the 51st state, people.)

Random Customer #4: “What is that one – O-RAY-oh?” (We serve ice cream; Oreo is one of our flavors).


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