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Captain Obvious Throws In The Towel

, | Right | March 16, 2008

(I was working in the Specialty shop, which sells Mexican food, two types of sandwiches which are preassembled by chefs, and chicken strips.)

Guest: “What’s on the turkey sandwich?”

Me: *recites the list of ingredients, which includes cheese*

Guest: “Can you make me one without cheese?”

Me: “No, ma’am. These sandwiches come into the shop premade.”

Guest: “I just want you to make me a turkey sandwich with no cheese.”

(This went on for a bit. Finally…)

Me: “Ma’am, we have no sandwich-making materials in this shop. It is not possible for me to give you a turkey sandwich with any different ingredients.”

Guest: “Then what do you do for people who can’t have cheese?”

(I look at the ham and salami sandwich, which does not have cheese. I look at the fryer for the chicken fingers. I look at the shells for the taco salad, which is “Build Your Own” so all ingredients, including cheese, are completely optional. I look next door at the Grill shop, which serves hamburgers and hot dogs, cheese optional. I look at the Pizza shop, which serves items such as spaghetti and tomato soup. Then, I look back at the guest.)

Me: “I do not know.”

Miracle On Placebo Street

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2008

(I am a waiter at a ’50s style dinner in a mall restaurant. A customer asks me to turn the heat up.)

Customer: “It’s a little cold in here. Could you turn the heat up?”

Me: “I would love to, but the restaurant is open to the mall and we have no control over the mall temperature.”

Customer: “Could you please just try?”

Me: “I would love to, but there is no way–”

Customer: “I would really appreciate it if you would just try.”

Me: “I’ll be right back and see what I can do.”

(I then proceed to walk into the back house and munch on some onion rings. After a few minutes pass, I walk out.)

Me: “How’s that?”

Customer: “Much better!”


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Comes With Free Broadsword

, , , | Right | February 25, 2008

(I’m working drive-thru when the headset beeps.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Donut Shop], what can I get you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a barbarian cream!”

Me: “…a what?”

Customer: “A barbarian cream!”

Me: “…you mean a Bavarian cream?”

Customer: “Yeah, that!”


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Who Needs Brains When You Have Money

, , | Right | February 19, 2008

( I worked as a waiter at a country club with a bunch of really “Old Money” snobs. )

Me: “We have a steak (of some kind, I don’t remember). And dude does it sound good!”

Old Money: “Ahem! Excuse me! Did you just say dude?”

Me: “Why yes, sir. I did, I was just saying how good this dish sounds.”

Old Money: “Well, excuse me, young man. Dude AIN’T a word.”

(At this point I’m thinking…are you seriously trying to debate this with an English Major by saying “Ain’t?”)

Me: “Well, sir, actually it is. A dude is a rich old man, like yourself, from the East who thinks they can live on a ranch in the West. And just for the record sir! ‘Ain’t’ is NOT a word! ”

(Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed to wait that Old Man or his family at the Country Club ever again.)

Alignment, Lawful Good; Wisdom, -6

, , , | Right | February 18, 2008

Customer: “Yes, do your combo meals come with a Coke?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they come with fries and a drink.”

Customer: “But what if I wanted something other than Coke?”

Me: “Well, you fill your drink yourself around the corner over there, so you can get whatever you want.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *customer places order*

Me: *sets out tray with receipt on top*

Customer: *looks at receipt, suddenly frowns* “Hey, it says ‘Coke’ on here for a drink. I didn’t order a Coke!”

Me: “That just means you ordered a drink.”

Customer: “But I didn’t want a Coke!”

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. You can put whatever you’d like in your drink at the drink machines back there.”

Customer: “BUT IT SAYS COKE ON THE RECEIPT!”

Me: “All of the soft drinks are the same prices. It doesn’t matter what it says on the receipt.”

Customer: “Oh…” *leaves with her cup and fills her drink*

Coworkers: *laugh for the next ten minutes*