CONTENT WARNING: Abusive Relationship
I had an abusive partner well over a year ago. We broke up. I got a restraining order and stopped hearing from him. The rumor was he’d gone to jail for something else. That part of my life was over and done with.
Until tonight, when he showed up at my restaurant.
He’s quite a bit older than me, so he had the advantage when I was in a vulnerable place. It took a long time to convince myself he was 100% at fault. He was the king of gaslighting and playing the victim.
He showed up right in the middle of the dinner rush. Of course, he had to pick a night when a large group of girls I know from school was at a centrally located table. And the place isn’t even that big, to begin with.
I spotted him right away. I think I saw him subconsciously before I even fully realized it because something felt chillingly off a few minutes before I first spotted him.
We’re still cutting back on staff to recoup lost income during the [global health crisis], so I was the only one out on the floor.
At first, I hoped maybe it was a coincidence — that he didn’t realize I worked there so he would just eat and leave. But no. He started drunkenly asking random patrons where to find me by name almost immediately.
I wanted so desperately to ignore it and have him just leave of his own accord because these girls from school were right there and I did not want to be part of a big scene. But it became evident that he was not lucid — maybe from something stronger than just the booze — and his behavior was escalating fast. It could not be ignored.
I went in back and let the owner know what was going on, but I just didn’t feel totally comfortable sharing the whole backstory with him. When things first turned sour in the relationship news got out to my family and friends before I was ready to discuss it and that fiasco is still an open sore.
Me: “A guy I used to know has shown up drunk and belligerent. I know him to be violent, so I’m going to call the police.”
Owner: “No problem. I’ll call the police for you. If you want, I can tag you out and handle your tables until he leaves.”
But I didn’t want to let this guy chase me out of my own job or stop me from living my life ever again, even just for a few minutes.
And our owner is a much older guy in not-so-great health. The restaurant is one of the only places his wife lets him go post-[health crisis] — he’s vaccinated, but she’s afraid of variants — and even still, he has to stay in his office when it’s busy.
I kept working, and the owner came and sat at the bar, keeping an eye on my ex. He was calling out my name and saying some pretty rude things and trying to get within arm’s reach.
The owner is pretty paternal towards me — I’ve worked in this place a long time and we’re a pretty small staff — so he wasted no time chesting up to the guy.
Owner: “Hey, the police have already been called. Do yourself a favor and get out.”
But my ex took that as a challenge and shoved this brittle old man. Hard.
Patrons stepped in right away because it was so obviously not a fair fight between this big young guy and a little old man. But my ex can be scary and (understandably) no one was considering physically confronting him or getting between him and the owner or anything like that, so he was undeterred.
He started to scream obscenities, demanding I leave with him, and tried to run at me. He actually had me by the shirt for a split second, but I fled behind the bar. (There was no clear path back to the office, the only place with a locking door. The bathrooms are stalls that can be easily overcome.)
The line cooks heard the commotion going on and a couple came out to see what the trouble was.
Most of our cooks are scrappy but small, and I think, despite their egos, they knew from one look they’d need reinforcements.
It had only been about five or ten minutes since we’d called the police, and in this busy city area, it takes them twenty minutes minimum to respond to anything that isn’t imminently life-threatening. And all the owner had known to tell 911 at the time he called was that we had a drunk and belligerent patron who MIGHT become violent, so we were definitely low on the priorities list.
The line cooks went back and got one of my only real sort of “work friends,” coincidentally also the biggest guy on staff.
[Friend] moonlights with an industrial moving company, so he stays in superb shape, and he is also super heavy, so he’s become kind of our defacto security ever since everyone forgot how to act in a restaurant during the health crisis.
I really don’t know too much about where he comes from, but I know it’s very difficult to rattle him.
So, [Friend] came out and quickly assessed the situation. Someone told him what my ex had done to our poor sweet owner, and [Friend] wasted no time.
Friend: “You’re leaving. You leaving on your own or…?”
The silence implied what the alternative was.
At this point, all [Friend] knew was that some drunk guy showed up and shoved our boss, who we’re all fond of.
My ex told him some slurred drunken crap I couldn’t really understand, but it was clear from his tone that it was not complimentary.
[Friend] went up to “escort” him out, and my ex freaked and tried to break the nearest glass in reach to use as a weapon. Fortunately, the nearest glassware was a thick beer mug and he couldn’t break it. Ha!
[Friend] shrugged this off as a sloppy drunk overestimating himself and tried to go in and get him in some kind of armbar, but the owner warned him:
Owner: “Hold off. [My Name] says he gets violent. Be careful.”
[Friend] didn’t know who this was yet.
Friend: “This f****** guy put hands on her?”
And he was ready to charge my ex.
Owner: “No, no, it’s her old boyfriend.”
[Friend] didn’t know the whole story with my ex — no one at work does — but he knew more than anyone else there, so he instantly put together who he was dealing with.
Without even hesitating, [Friend] swung at my ex like a piñata and cracked him right in the skull. My ex’s lights were out. He dropped onto the floor.
A couple of patrons who’d wanted to get involved but didn’t see an opening were emboldened to step in now that my ex was unconscious and got on top of him to make sure he wouldn’t be able to leap back up when he regained consciousness — which is good because he was back almost immediately. He was still groggy, but he would’ve been more than able to get up and retaliate had these men not stepped in.
Someone else went behind the bar looking for something to tie him up with. He found a roll of packing tape — right in the nick of time because my ex was quickly getting his strength back and really fighting the guys restraining him.
[Friend] wanted to go launch back in on him, but [Owner] talked him down, insisting it wasn’t worth an assault charge. ([Friend] knows more about my history with this guy than the owner so had more reason to hate him, but still, I agree it’s not worth catching a charge.)
The good Samaritans tried to tie packing tape around my ex’s hands and feet, but the roll was nearly out so it wasn’t doing much.
I was watching the whole situation unfold from where I’d gone to hide behind the bar, just mesmerized and paralyzed with terror, almost like an out-of-body experience.
It sounds like a long time when describing it, but at real-life speed, this entire encounter from the time the owner came out to confront him couldn’t have been more than three to five minutes.
The police got there not too terribly long after they tried to tape him. It took three people to hold him down, one of whom got socked in the mouth in the process, but they kept him secured until cops got there.
The police arrested him — my restraining order expired a year after it was granted but I’m guessing they got him for the assaults or drunk and disorderly conduct or something — and as they were cuffing him and going through the whole process, he was screaming that someone had assaulted HIM and should be arrested as well.
His face was visibly injured and there was a little blood, so the cops couldn’t ignore that. They asked who assaulted him and he fingered [Friend].
One of the patrons who’d helped restrain my ex, [Patron #1], started to speak up about [Friend] acting in self-defense, but his buddy cut him off.
Patron #2: “This motherf***** was banged up when he walked in. I’ve been here the whole time and didn’t see anything.”
[Patron #1] realized the play and backtracked.
Patron #1: “Yeah, yeah. We restrained him to defend ourselves, but no one hit him. That other man just works here.”
This was a relief because [Friend] is a gentle giant, but he’s also kind of a mystery, so for all I know he has priors that would’ve made proving self-defense difficult.
The police dragged my ex out and took him in. I went home at that point, but I learned from the owner at the end of service that they also impounded the motorcycle he showed up on. That was a nice bonus.
It was all very scary. I’m glad to know my coworkers and customers have my back, but I still think I’ll take a couple of days off. Ultimately, I’m just feeling grateful that I’m finally in a place where the good people in my life far outnumber the bad!
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