(My boyfriend and I are having lunch on a Sunday.)

Boyfriend: “Did you want to do something after this?”

Me: “We could go sleep off this food coma!”

Boyfriend: “It’s Sunday! We should, you know, do it like the band… Taking Back Sunday. Let’s take back Sunday!”

(I start reciting lyrics.)

Me: “And will you tell all your friends that you’ve got your gun to my head?”

Boyfriend: “…what?”

Me: “You mention Taking Back Sunday but you don’t know their music?”

Boyfriend: “They’re a real band?”

(I am on a lunch date with my boyfriend, talking to a waitress.)

Me: “I’d like no tomatoes on my sandwich please; I am allergic.”

(This is a lie; it’s just to ensure they don’t end up on my sandwich.)

Waitress: “Is your allergy mild, major, or severe?”

Me: “Major.”

Waitress: “Okay, and you wanted the fries with that? Would you like ketchup or cajun mayo for dipping?”

Me: “Ketchup.”

Waitress: “Of course. Our manager may stop by your table to discuss your allergy with you.”

(The waitress leaves.)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Why would the manager talk to me?”

Boyfriend: “You said you were allergic to tomatoes. But you ordered ketchup with your fries.”

Me: “…Oh. S***!”

(I walk up to the waitress, who has just finished talking on the phone.)

Me: “Was that the manager you were just talking to?”

Waitress: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m really sorry; I’m not actually allergic to them. I just wanted to make sure they absolutely didn’t end up there; I despise raw tomato. But then I went and ordered ketchup with my fries, which was really stupid.”

Waitress: *laughs* “I’ve seen stupider. Don’t worry about it; there won’t be any tomato on your sandwich.”

(I am working the lunch shift at a sandwich shop that delivers. When I arrive, snow is starting to fall. After about an hour, the delivery drivers start to report that the roads are getting worse. The manager decides to stop delivery, but, as customers are still coming into the shop, he opts to keep the restaurant open. I answer a call.)

Caller: “Are you guys still open?”

Me: “Yes, for the time being.”

Caller: “Thank goodness! Everybody is closing because of the snowstorm!”

Me: “Yes, it’s starting to get pretty bad out there. In fact, we’re thinking about closing early ourselves.”

Caller: “Well, I’m glad that you’re not closed yet! I’d like to place a delivery order.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, we’re not delivering right now. The storm has gotten so bad that we’re concerned for the safety of our drivers. However, as I said, we are still open. You can still place an order with me and come pick it up at the shop.”

Caller: “Are you kidding me!? I’m not going out on these roads!”

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(I’m on my way home after a hockey social, dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit and trick handcuffs. I’m pretty hungry, so I stop for food. Inside there is a drunk man yelling at the cashiers.)

Drunk: “I said [competitor’s signature item]! This is WRONG!”

Cashier: “I told you, you’re at [place], not [competitor]!”

Drunk: “I know where I am!”

Me: “Oh, do you?”

(He turns to me, and does a double take at my outfit.)

Me: “Because I think you’re in a whole world of trouble.”

(I start advancing, cackling Joker-style.)

Drunk: “What ya gonna do, crazy b****?”

(In answer, I stretch out, making it look like I’ve just torn apart my handcuffs.)

Drunk: “Holy s***!”

(I keep approaching, cackling.)

Drunk: “Psycho b****!”

(He throws his food at me and runs. I reach the counter, and drop the act.)

Me: “Can I get a portion of nuggets, please?”

(The cashier just stares at me for a moment.)

Cashier: “Y’know, I think he was right on the crazy part. Nuggets coming right up.”

(My mother takes my younger brother and me out to a restaurant for dinner. As we are eating we witness a car crash in the road. My mother, being an LPN (licensed practical nurse), leaves her meal to rush across the street to offer help. We are seated by an elderly couple right next to a window.)

Elderly Man: “Did your mom just go out there to help them?”

Me: “Oh, well, she’s a nurse. Pretty much anytime an accident occurs and she’s there, she tries to help.”

Restaurant Proprietor: “That’s your mother out there?”

Little Brother: “Yeah. Our mom’s a nurse, so she went to help out.”

Restaurant Proprietor: “Wow! How cool!”

(My mother spends the next 30 minutes out in the middle of traffic, helping both drivers with their injuries, and waiting until EMTs arrive. She comes back in, and we resume our meal like nothing has happened.)

Elderly Woman: “Are they okay?”

Mom: “Yeah, but the poor girl — her parents are out of town. She has to wait in the hospital for them to come and see her. She pulled out, and that guy pulled out in front of her and rammed her car.”

Elderly Woman: “Well, at least they’re okay.”

(Another 20 minutes pass while my mother finishes her meal and the check is brought out to us. As the proprietor from earlier leaves the check, the couple next to us get up to leave.)

Elderly Man: “Let me tell you something…”

(He quickly snatches the check off of our table.)

Elderly Man: “If I were in an accident like that and needed help, I would want you to come and help me. Anyone who selflessly dodges traffic to help someone like that deserves to have their meal paid for. I hope that if one day I’m in an accident I have you there for me.”

(Despite my mother’s protests, the man pays the bill without even glancing at the total. When we go to the front to explain ourselves, the cashier isn’t surprised.)

Cashier: “Oh, that’s Bill. He’s a regular here. I’m not surprised he did that. He’s a real sweetheart. He was actually on his first date with that girl!”

(If you ever read this, Bill, you moved my mom to tears that day. You have forever made me want to be a better person! It’s people like you that re-instill my hope in humanity.)

Related:
Why Nurses Should Rule The World
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3

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