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He Knows All, Period, Part 2

| Romantic | June 24, 2013

(I am in a bad mood, so my boyfriend decides we should eat out with his brother and sister-in-law to cheer me up.)

Sister-In-Law: “Come on hon, smile! Be happy!”

Me: “Meh…”

Boyfriend: “If you’re good, I’ll buy you booze!”

Me: “It’ll just give me a headache.”

Boyfriend: “What a sourpuss. What’s your problem anyway?”

Me: “Nothing…”

Brother: “She’s on her period.”

Boyfriend: “How the h*** do you know that?!”

Brother: “It’s on my phone! It’s the week right before hers.”

(His brother pokes his wife in the shoulder, and she laughs.)

Sister-In-Law: “He’s totally telling the truth.”

 

She’s Too H2-Slow

| Related | June 24, 2013

(My grandfather is treating the family to dinner at a high-end restaurant. Halfway through, my cousin climbs into my aunt’s lap, looking troubled.)

Aunt: “What’s wrong, honey?”

Cousin: “I need you to tell the waiter to stop filling up my glass.”

Aunt: “Why?”

Cousin: “Because I keep trying to drink up all my water, but he keeps adding more!”

(She thinks it is like at home, where she has to finish all of her water before dessert!)


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A Cent-less Attack

, | Right | June 21, 2013

(I’m taking money at the first window. A car pulls up with a middle-aged customer driving, and what looks to be her older mother in the passenger seat.)

Me: “Hi, your total is—.”

Mother: “Where do we get my food?! I’m hungry! This line is taking too long!”

Daughter: “You have to pay first, mom.”

Mother: “I’m getting it!”

(She scrounges around for money in her purse. She hands me what’s supposed to be exact change. I count it three times, and she’s a penny short.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you have a penny?”

Mother: “Are you serious? I’m not giving you no d*** penny! Where’s my food?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I need that penny, or my till will come out short.”

Mother: “And I said you ain’t getting no d*** penny!”

(She starts shouting at her daughter.)

Mother: “Drive to the next window!”

(The daughter looks horrified about her mother’s behavior, and doesn’t move.)

Mother: “Fine! I’ll get it myself!”

(The mother gets out of the car, and starts walking toward the next window.)

Me: “Ma’am, can you please get back in your car?”

Mother: “F*** you!”

(The daughter is horrified, apologizes to me, and drives forward. A minute later, I see the mother walk back to my open window as I’m paying out another customer. She throws a penny at me, which hits me in the knuckle and bruises it.)

Mother: “There’s your d*** penny!”


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Not Seeing The Big[ot] Picture

, | Working | June 20, 2013

(My coworker has made two shakes that have been sent back for being too thin. I ended up making it myself and my window time has been completely ruined.)

Coworker: “Was she [race]?”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “The one who sent the shake back, was she [race]?”

Me: “Are you a racist?”

Coworker: “No, I’m not. Just the ones who send shakes back are usually [race].”

Me: “So you think people act a certain way based on their race? That’s racism.”

Coworker: “No, it’s not. That’s prejudice!”

Me: *speechless*

Pray They Weren’t Getting Down On Friday

| Romantic | June 18, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are having lunch on a Sunday.)

Boyfriend: “Did you want to do something after this?”

Me: “We could go sleep off this food coma!”

Boyfriend: “It’s Sunday! We should, you know, do it like the band… Taking Back Sunday. Let’s take back Sunday!”

(I start reciting lyrics.)

Me: “And will you tell all your friends that you’ve got your gun to my head?”

Boyfriend: “…what?”

Me: “You mention Taking Back Sunday but you don’t know their music?”

Boyfriend: “They’re a real band?”