In Real Hot Sauce Now

| Right | November 9, 2010

(I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

Customer: “You f****** b****! How many f****** times do I have to tell you no f****** sauce?!”

Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* “I’m sorry, sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “You f****** up my burger! I want a refund now!”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to f****** know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!”

Cashier: “I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment.”

(She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

Cashier: “Hm… oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

Customer: “Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f****** refund!”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you.”

(She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

Customer: “F****** hurry up, you b****! My f****** dinner’s getting cold!”

Cashier: “My apologies, sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?”

Customer: “You’d better, you b****!”

Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* “Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-”

(At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

Cashier: “Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?”

Customer: “Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f****** simple or something?”

Cashier: “No, just distracting you ’till the police get here.”

(Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)

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Take It Away, Uncle Sam

, , , | Right | November 2, 2010

(Fast food places are often referred to as takeaway stores in New Zealand.)

Me: “Hello and welcome to [Fast Food Place]. May I take your order?”

Customer: “So, what is a tar… key… ah… way…?”

Me: “Um, takeaways. As in food you can take away.”

Customer: “Oh, is it a Maori word?”

Me: “No, sir. It’s an English word. May I ask, are you from out of New Zealand?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m from America, but you’re lying about takeaways being an English word. I’ve been to Canada and they don’t use it there!”

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Turn The Tables

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2010

(We have a coupon for a free entrée. A new waitress comes up and asks me a question.)

Coworker: “How do I handle two coupons?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “My table of three by the window. They got the entrées and waters. They want to use two coupons.”

Me: “They can’t use two coupons. It says ‘one per group’. Tell her to save it for next week.”

Coworker: “She says they are two groups. So they want to use two coupons.”

Me: “They can’t use two coupons because it’s only one check.”

(She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “She says she wants separate checks.”

Me: “Tell her she can’t have separate checks just because she wants to use two coupons.”

(She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

Coworker: “They want to talk to a manager.”

(A third coworker and I argue over what to do, as the manager isn’t here tonight. Reluctantly, I go out to the table, posing as the manager. I tell them the same thing that the waitress told them.)

Me: “Ma’am, our policy is that coupons can only be used one per group. You are all obviously one group, as you are sitting at the same table.”

(Irately, the woman grabs the table; which happens to be two separate tables placed together, and moves them about six inches apart.)

Customer: “There. Now we are two separate tables.”

Me: *trying to remain courteous* “I’ll see what I can do.”

(I go back, separate the checks, apply the discounts, and take both checks to the table.)

Me: “I can take that when you are ready.”

(She fishes in her purse, and hands me her credit card.)

Customer: “Use my card to pay for both!”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4

| Right | October 12, 2010

(Three women in their early twenties come in. I ring up the first two, but the third woman’s credit card is denied.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card had been denied.”

Customer: “No, that cant be! There’s no way! Try it again!”

(I swipe the card again, and it once more is denied.)

Me: “It still came up as declined. Do you have another card I could try?”

Customer: “No! This is stupid!”

(One of her friends lend her cash to pay for her meal. As they fill their drinks at the pop machine I overhear her talking.)

Customer: “That is so weird! My card was denied last week. Shouldn’t it be un-denied by now?”

 

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Out Of Tune-a With The Menu

| Right | October 12, 2010

(I am working as a waitress in a sushi restaurant. A handicapped customer comes in and orders 5 rolls off of our special rolls menu. I bring the customer her food.)

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “These are the rolls you ordered, ma’am.”

Customer: “I didn’t order these. I don’t eat fish.”

Me: “Ma’am, you specifically pointed at these rolls. The ingredients are mainly tuna and salmon. It is listed on the menu.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish! You are discriminating against me because I am in a wheelchair. I didn’t order this!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is exactly what you ordered. If you don’t eat fish, you should have ordered chicken or beef teriyaki.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish! Bring me my rolls!”

Me: “These are your rolls.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”

Manager: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Your waitress brought me the wrong rolls. I want my rolls.”

Manager: “This looks to be exactly what you ordered.”

Customer: “I don’t eat fish!”

Manager: “It’s listed with fish on the menu, but okay, we’ll take these back. What would like instead?”

(The customer orders the same rolls.)

Manager: “Ma’am, you just ordered the exact same rolls.”

Customer: “They have fish in them?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Customer: “Is that because I’m handicapped?”

Manager: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I’m leaving and I’m not giving you a cent of my money. You shouldn’t falsely advertise. You should say when there will be fish!”

Manager: *to me* “You hungry?”

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