Watch For Grease Stains In The Concord

, | Right | March 6, 2009

Me: “Hello, this is [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium cheese pizza and a two-liter of Sierra Mist, please.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be [total]. Would you like to come pick it up or have us deliver it?”

Customer: “Delivery, please. My address is…” *lists a house in Philadelphia* “Would you be able to get it here in about thirty minutes?

Me: “Uh, sir, we’re in California, and we don’t deliver to Philadelphia. Especially not in thirty minutes.”

Customer: “Oh, well, on your website it said you deliver in thirty minutes or less.”

Me: “Yes, locally. Not to Philadelphia.”

Customer: “Oh, well. Uh, thanks anyways.”

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

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So Much For Buying American

| Right | March 4, 2009

Server: “That will come with potatoes,cottage cheese or fruit.”

Customer: “What kind of fruit do you have?”

Server: “We have grapes, oranges, bananas, pears or pineapple.”

Customer: “Is your pineapple local?”

Server: “Yes, sir. It is from the pineapple farm in Dallas.”

Customer: *makes a sour face* “I’ll have the oranges…”

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Even Owners Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3

, , | Right | February 26, 2009

(One night while working a busy dinner shift, an elderly couple shows up in my section, at a table that just left. I assumed that the hostesses were just busy and sat them immediately.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get you to drink?”

Them: “We’ve been sitting here for ten minutes? What took you so long?”

(I knew that I had cleared the table not more than five minutes ago.)

Me: I’m terribly sorry; we’re awful busy. Now, what can I get you tonight?”

(They order coffee and water, with extra cream. I get their coffee as fast as possible but have to make a second trip for the creamer. Before I can let them know I’ll be right back…)

Them: “That took forever! What’s wrong with you? It’s never taken this long before. Where’s our creamer?!”

(I calm them down enough to get away from the table and get the creamer. I am gone less than thirty seconds.)

Them: “This is the worst service I’ve ever had! I can’t believe they would hire you! This isn’t enough creamer!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but I am trying my best to satisfy your dining needs. If you don’t feel that my service is adequate, please feel free to request another waiter.”

(I walk away to take care of my other tables. Shortly thereafter, the owner calls me over.)

Owner: “What did you say to those people?”

Me: *repeat the story to him*

Owner: “Okay, who sat them?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just showed up. I thought a hostess did.”

Owner: *to hostess* “Who sat that couple?”

Hostess: “They sat themselves.”

Owner: *to customers* “You sat yourselves while we have a 20 minute wait?”

Customers: “Well, there was an empty table!”

Owner: “Get the f*** out of my restaurant!”


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It’s Baaccoonnnn!!!

| Right | February 26, 2009

Me: “Hi, what can I get for ya?”

Customer: “Yeah, um… do you guys serve breakfast?”

Me: “Oh no, sorry, we only serve brunch on Sundays. We have bagels and pastries in the case right there.” *pointing*

Customer: “Hmm, no, I really wanted breakfast.”

Me: “Sorry, it’s just Sundays.”

Customer: “But I smell bacon!”

Me: “Yeah, the cook is in the back prepping for the day, and we have some sandwiches with bacon on them.”

Customer: “I smell bacon! You serve breakfast! I want a hot breakfast!”

Me: “Uh, no… just brunch on Sundays. Our lunch starts at 11:00 am if you want to come back.”

Customer: “NO! I smell bacon and I want breakfast now!” *storms out*

Me: “…”

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May We Suggest The Covert Cauliflowers

, | Right | February 25, 2009

(I’m restocking a salad bar at a restaurant when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me? You’re running out of espionage in the salad bar.”

Me: “….excuse me? Espionage?”

Customer: “Yes, espionage.”

(He meant spinach, since I hadn’t gotten around to restocking that.)

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