(I am standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to order lunch. I eat there often, and the owner has just decided a couple of weeks ago that the restrooms are for paying customers only. A woman rushes in; she seems to be quite ill.)

Woman: “Bathroom. Now, please!”

Owner: “Sorry, the bathroom is for paying customers only!”

(The woman glances at the long lunch line in dismay.)

Woman: “I can’t wait that long. Can I buy something after?”

Owner: “Nope, you have to buy something first.”

(The woman looks at the next person in line imploringly.)

Woman: “Do you mind if I cut?”

Customer #1: “Nope, go ahead!”

Owner: “No, you need to go to the back of the line!”

Woman: “But I need—”

Owner: “To the back!”

Woman: “But I’m going to—”

(The owner opens his mouth to cut her off again, but then the woman vomits all over the counter and the owner. A second customer comes over to support the woman.)

Customer #2: “Since the OWNER said that only paying customers can use the bathroom, the OWNER can clean that mess up. Let’s go somewhere else for lunch!”

(The ENTIRE waiting line of people turned around and left the restaurant! Turned out the woman was pregnant and suffering from morning sickness.)

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(I am about 16, and have been a vegetarian for a couple of years. My mother and I are in a restaurant and we’re preparing to order food. Our server is young, maybe 18 or 19.)

Me: “Does the pea soup have bacon, ham, or any meat in it?”

Server: “It comes with bacon.”

Me: “Do you have any soups without any meat?”

Server: “The chicken noodle soup doesn’t have meat.”

Me: “…not even chicken?”

Server: “Well yeah, but no meat.”

Me: “Oh. I’m a vegetarian; I don’t eat chicken. I’ll just have some green beans and mashed potatoes, please.”

Server: “Okay. Do you want bacon on the potatoes?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(The food comes and there are three fat strips of bacon on my mashed potatoes. I remove them, and set them aside. Later, the server notices them when clearing the plates…)

Server: “Was there something wrong with your bacon?”

Me: “No, I can’t eat bacon; I’m a vegetarian.”

Server: “But bacon isn’t meat; it’s just bacon!”

Me: “It comes from an animal; it comes from a pig. It’s meat. I can’t eat it.”

Server: “Well, you don’t have to be snotty about it. It’s not my fault you’ve got self-image issues.”

(Needless to say, we didn’t tip well.)

(I am at the work Christmas party. Everyone is allowed to bring a ‘date’ and also their kids, if they like. One coworker brings his sister who was visiting, and his nephew who is around six years old. We are at a buffet restaurant that specializes in Chinese food. The place is packed. My coworker has a scoop of octopus salad on his plate, and is teasing his nephew with the tentacles.)

Coworker: “C’mon, try it!”

Nephew: “NO!”

Coworker: “I ate it! What are you, chicken?”

Nephew: “I don’t want to—”

Coworker: *chicken noises* “Buck buck buck!”

(The nephew shouts back so that the entire restaurant can hear.)

Nephew: “UNCLE! I AM NOT GOING TO EAT YOUR TESTICLES!”

This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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(I am witnessing a conversation between my manager and an employee.)

Employee: “I’m here a little early. Could I start my shift at 4 pm?”

(It is 4:48 pm. His shift starts at 5 pm.)

Manager: “Sorry, no. We have to do a debrief before the 5 pm shift starts.”

Employee: “So can we do that now?”

Manager: “We can do that in 12 minutes when the other employees get here.”

Employee: “But then I start my shift at 5 pm.”

Manager: “Yep.”

Employee: “But I’m here NOW.”

Manager: “And now isn’t 4 pm. You didn’t come to the 4-5 pm shift, and policy is to only let people start on the hour, so you’re going to have to wait until 5 pm.”

Employee: “Can’t you just say I worked the 4-5 pm?”

Manager: “No.”

Employee: “Why not?”

Manager: “Because you didn’t. I mean, what would you do if you were in my position? Are you going to lie to your boss for me?”

Employee: “Well, if you were in my position, you’d want someone to be nice to you!”

(The manager just gives the employee the most disapproving look I have ever seen, glaring at him over her glasses.)

Manager: “How about you do your job and I do mine?”

Employee: “My job isn’t that fun.”

Manager: “Well, that’s why we’re paying you. I mean, I wouldn’t be doing this job if I wasn’t getting paid.”

Employee: “What’s so bad about your job?”

(I mutter ‘dealing with people like you’ under my breath, but the employee doesn’t seem to hear me. The manager visibly tries not to laugh, though. A few minutes later…)

Employee: “So you’re paying me for 4-5 pm, right?”

Manager: “No. We’re paying you for the hours you actually worked.”

Employee: “That doesn’t seem fair!”

(We have three flavours of slushy in our slushy machine: raspberry, cherry and orange. Raspberry is blue, cherry is pink and orange is obviously orange. Customers usually refer to the slushy they want by the colors.)

Customer: “What flavour is the orange slushy?”

Me: “Orange flavoured.”

Customer: “I know what the color is, I want to know the FLAVOUR.”

Me: “It’s orange flavoured, ma’am, just like the fruit.”

(The customer suddenly starts screaming at me.)

Woman: “WHAT IS THE FLAVOUR! I CAN SEE THE COLOR OF THE D*** THING! WHAT FLAVOUR IS IT?!”

(The customer’s daughter chimes in.)

Customer’s Daughter: “Mum! It’s like orange juice! Chill out!”

Woman: “Orange juice? Jeez, why couldn’t she just tell me that?! Two of those, please!”

(The customer is perfectly pleasant with me for the rest of the transaction, and wanders off with her slushy happily!)