Arithmophobia

| Right | August 11, 2008

(I work at a restaurant where customers can call and place an order to pick up).

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, how many wings can you get in an order?”

Me: “We have orders of 6, 12, 18, 24, 50, and 100. Would you like to order some?”

Customer: “Yes, I want 20.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have 20. The closest we have to 20 is 18.”

Customer: “How many wings come in your 18-piece?”

Me: “… 18.”

Customer: “Okay, are you sure?”

Me: “I can say for a fact that the 18-piece wing order comes with 18 wings.”

(This went on for a few minutes. Back and forths of, “Are you sure?” and, “Yes, sir, I am sure you get 18 wings in an 18 wing order.”)

Me: “Now what can I get you today?”

Customer: “I think I’m going to eat elsewhere.” *click*

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Simple Coke For Simple Folk

, , | Right | August 8, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but what is in your blackcurrant tea?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just blackcurrant tea.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

Me: “Dried blackcurrant tea leaves.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

Me: “Black. Currant. Tea.”

Customer: “But you aren’t telling me what’s in it!”

Me: “Ma’am, the tea distributors pluck leaves from a blackcurrant plant. Then, they dry them out, and package them. Then, we pour hot water over the tea leaves, which infuses the hot water with the flavor of the tea.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

(My boss comes over.)

Boss: “Ma’am, would you like a Coke?”

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Someone Seriously Needs A Time-Out

, , | Right | August 8, 2008

(I was in line at a Texas-style BBQ restaurant that serves you counter-style. A Wall Street-type dressed in a very expensive designer business suit is two people ahead of me.)

Counter Guy: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I need two pounds of moist brisket, wrapped up to go.”

Counter Guy: “Sorry, we just ran out.”

Customer: *slams fist on counter* “AAGGHH, F***! What the f***?!”

Counter Guy: “Um… I’m sorry sir. We still have plenty of the lean brisket.”

Customer: “I don’t want the f***ing lean brisket. I came all the way here for the moist. I can’t f***ing believe this s***! What the f***?”

Counter Guy: “Sir…”

Customer: “Ahh, s***! I can’t believe I came all the way the f*** up here for this s***. Of course you’re out! Why wouldn’t you f***ing have the moist? Ahh!”

Counter Guy: “Sir, really, we have the lean and it’s still very good.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the lean. I came for the moist. S***! This f***ing sucks!”

Counter Guy: “C’mon, sir, just try the lean. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Customer: “No, I won’t! I want the moist. How the f*** can you be out? F***!”

Counter Guy: *offers a free sample of lean brisket* “I’ll give you some to try. Please, sir, just try it.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll try the d*** lean!”

(He takes a bite.)

Customer: *completely calm* “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not bad at all. I’ll take two pounds to go, please.”

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Of All The Lies To Tell

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2008

Snooty Customer: “I want a milkshake, but I want it made THICK. Last time I had a shake here, it was like drinking ice cream flavored water!”

Me: “I can assure you that I can make you a very thick milkshake, ma’am. What flavor would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “A milkshake! I want a milkshake!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What FLAVOR of milkshake would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “I told you I wanted an extra chocolaty chocolate one!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One extra chocolaty chocolate milkshake, thick.”

(I fill the milkshake cup with chocolate ice cream and use hot fudge sauce instead of chocolate syrup. I add maybe a tablespoon of milk. I get it mixed up and ring her up, and she leaves. A few minutes later she returns, cuts in front of about 10 people waiting in line and slams her milkshake on the counter.)

Snooty Customer: “I want to talk to a manager! I want to know why no one here can do their d*** job!”

Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Snooty Customer: “I told that girl there I wanted a normal chocolate milkshake, and this is so thick I can’t get it through the straw! I just gave myself a headache trying to drink this thing! I demand double my money back, a free milkshake, and some ibuprofen!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I was standing right behind her when you placed your order. She made you what you asked for. An extra chocolaty shake that was thick. I am not returning your money or giving you a new milkshake.”

Snooty Customer: “But, my husband is Dr. [Name] and I always get what I want!”

(Suddenly, another customer who has been standing in line and watching the whole thing speaks up.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, b****, but Dr. [Name] is my BROTHER and you sure as h*** aren’t his wife, you d*** liar!”

Snooty Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(My manager gave the other customer her entire order on the house. She deserved it, whether it was true or not.)

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Don’t Mess With Mum

| Right | August 4, 2008

(I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Mum: “Yes?”

Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”

(The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

Mum: “Can I see the plate?”

(Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

Customer: “No.”

Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

Customer: “What?”

Mum: “F*** off!”

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