(My brother and I work at the same store and always order the same lunch at the fast food place in the parking lot. There is another guy that also orders the same lunch every day. The three of us get in line one after the other.)

Cashier: “$4.79”

(Customer #1 pays, gets number.)

Cashier: “$4.79”

(Brother pays, and gets number.)

Cashier: “$4.79”

(I pay, and get my number.)

Cashier: *to next person in line* “Welcome to [Fast Food Place]. May I take your order?”

(Customer #2 stares at the cashier intently.)

Cashier: “Sir? May I take your order?”

(Customer #2 stares harder and cocks his head to the side.)

Cashier: “Sir?”

Customer #2: “You don’t know yet?”

Cashier: “What?”

Customer #2: “I mean, you’re psychic, right?”

Cashier: “Oh! No, they just always have the same thing.”

Customer #2: “Good! I wouldn’t want people reading my mind! Um, I’ll have the number three combo.”

(I’m working at a cookie shop with my coworker who is quite tall and shapely. Guys frequently flirt with her, which is what’s currently going on.)

Coworker: “So are you interested in buying any cookies today?”

Guy #1: “Nah, we don’t really eat cookies.”

Coworker: “You could buy me a cookie!”

Guy #2: “Hey, sure!”

(The guys bought her a cookie, and she checked them out. After a little more flirting they went to leave. Turning to me, she counted down on her fingers. As soon as they were out of sight she put the cookie back in the case.)

(This interaction is with another employee, while I’m on toast duty during breakfast.)

Associate: “Come on! We need more toast!”

Me: “I’m putting them in as soon as you call them out. I can’t make it go faster!”

Associate: “Yes, you can!”

(She then turns the toaster onto the lightest setting so the bread comes out much, much faster.)

Me: “But it’s not toasting them now… It’s just warming up the bread.”

Associate: “So? You’re not eating it!”

Me: “But the people who are eating it are paying for it!”

(My family and I are in a restaurant, and we see a car parking outside in a disabled space. The people inside are very clearly not disabled and the car does not have a disabled permit.)

Sister: “Dad, are they really disabled?”

Dad: “Just mentally.”

(My fiancée and I are having dinner and discussing the fact that I don’t like getting my engagement ring wet.)

Me: “I just don’t like putting it in water. I take it off to wash my hands and shower and stuff.”

Fiancée: “Oh, I see how it is. You’re just cheating on me with the water. You love it that much do you?” *fakes offence*

Me: “Oh, baby, yeah. I just can’t resist how wet it gets me.” *looks him directly in the eye as I take a deliberate sip of water from my glass*

Fiancée: *gasps* “Now you’re doing it right in front of me!”

Me: “Oh, like you are one to talk. You cheat on me with fire all the time!”

Fiancée: “No, I don’t. I just like looking. She’s so hot.”

Me: “Mm-hmm, is that why I catch you touching her all the time?”

Fiancée: “I’m just stoking her a little bit. It means nothing, I swear!”

(There’s a long pause where we stare at each other before bursting out laughing.)

Me: “The people in this restaurant must think we are nuts!”