Just Another Day In Stonerville

, | | Right | March 20, 2008

I work at a gourmet sandwich company. We can make sandwiches for delivery, pickup, or sit-down. We often get calls from a lot of stoners that want their sandwiches delivered. Probably for “munchies.” It’s about 4pm on Saturday when I get this call.

Me: “Welcome to [sandwich shop], this is Molly. How can I help you?”

Stoner 1: “Hey… yeah…”

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Stoner 1: “What?”

Me: “Would you like to order something?”

Stoner 1: “Yes…”

(After about two minutes of silence…)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there, sir?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah, I’m waiting for you to like, ask me what I want.”

Me: “…Okay, what would you like?”

Stoner 1: *tells me his order*

Me: “Would you like anything else with that?”

Stoner 1: “Yeah… get me a cookie.”

(At this point, I hear a plethora of other stoners in the background.)

Stoner 2: “Cookies!? Where?”

Stoner 1: *laughing* “Dude, I’m on the phone with the cookie company!”

(Now I can hear Stoner 2 grab the phone and he begins talking to me.)

Stoner 2: “Hey, cookie company? Make that two cookies!”

Stoner 3: “Four cookies! I want two!”

Stoner 2: “SIX COOKIES!”

Me *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, will that be all?”

Stoner 2: “Yeahhhhhh.”

Me: “Will that be for pickup or delivery?”

Stoner 2: “Delivery…” *gives address*

Stoner 1: “DUDE, WHAT IF SHE’S A NARC?”

Stoner 2: “Sh*t! You know that address I just gave you? I lied about it!”

(Now I decide to have a little fun with them, considering they wasted my time.)

Me: “Okay, but as a little treat, I’m going to have it delivered anyway. My car will be the one with red and blue flashing lights that reads P-O-L-I-C-E on the side.”

Stoner 2: “A car with lights? That’s awesome!”

Stoner 1: “Dude, she means the police!”

Stoner 2: “SH*T!” *click*

(We ended up delivering to them anyway, because TECHNICALLY they never canceled their order. Our delivery guy came back with the full order, telling us that someone answered the door to tell him no one was home.)

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Meatheaded

, | | Right | March 19, 2008

Me: “Hi, welcome to [local and independent burger joint]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi…what’s on your combination burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, sauce, onions, pickles, cheese and a chopped bacon patty.”

Customer: “… And what’s on your mushroom burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, mushrooms and mushroom sauce.”

Customer: “…so what’s the difference?”

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SpecifiCity, USA

, | | Right | March 18, 2008

(I work at a sandwich shop. I have conversations like this every day. Mind you, he has a line of twelve other customers behind him. Also note that Hearty Italian only describes the type of bread.)

Customer: “I’d like a six inch hearty italian.”

Me: *gets bread* “What would you like on that?”

Customer: “Six inch hearty italian.”

Me: “What would you like ON it?”

Customer: “Hearty italian.”

Me: “What kind of sandwich is it?”

Customer: “Six inch.”

Me: *heavy sigh* “Oooookay then…”

 

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Fun With Language Barriers

, | | Right | March 18, 2008

(I worked at this little burger joint in Seattle. I’m white, but I’m bilingual. Our grill workers all spoke primarily Spanish, so I would talk to customers in English and call back orders in Spanish.)

Old Man Customer: “Now, what is a pretty young thing like you doing speaking the Dirty Man’s Language?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Old Man Customer: “You should be speaking English! Its only natural, here in America!”

Me: “It’s just fastest, sir. The language communicates more efficiently in an environment like this.”

(I was not about to tell him that the grill workers were mostly South American immigrants, after hearing his first reaction.)

Old Man Customer: “Have some pride in your country! SPEAK ENGLISH when you call back my order, do you understand?”

Me, knowing full well that his order wouldn’t actually come through if I did that: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid it’s procedure.”

Old Man Customer: “I want to speak with your manager! This restaurant is just UNAMERICAN!”

Manager, who had been working the register next to me: “Si, señor?”

Old Man Customer: *storms out*

 

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The Fine Art Of Self Grossed-Outification

, | | Right | March 17, 2008

(Note: we are VERY generous in offering frozen yogurt samples in those tiny paper cups that could fit on your thumb.)

Me: “Here you go, our six choices!” *offers samples*

(Customer takes samples and shoves the whole thing in her mouth and sucks contents out. When done, she puts the cups back on the counter with yogurt and a LITTLE bit of saliva dripping off the sides. She scoots them in my direction.)

Me: *stares back, thinking, are you serious?*

Customer: *stares back at me for what seems like forever*

Me: “There is a trashcan right below you that you could put those in.”

Customer: “Ew, I’m not touching those! That’s your job.”

(The customer walks away, leaving me staring at the messy glob of cups on our front counter.)

Me: O___o

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