(We’re currently running a promo.)

Me: “With a meal deal you get this offer. You can enter the code online and see if you win concert tickets at Red Rocks.”

Customer: “Whoa. So, how does this work?”

Me: “You can go to the website written on the card and enter the code to see if you can win concert tickets.”

Customer: “So I go to a website and enter a code?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So… what happens if I DON’T win?”

Me: “Then you don’t win the concert tickets.”

Customer: “Isn’t there a consolation prize?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “What kind of contest is this? I’m not guaranteed to win concert tickets?”

Me: “A raffle.”

Customer: “What’s a raffle?”

(We are inside a university, as well…)

(I am working a busy dinner shift at a steak restaurant. Normally steaks are sold without sauce, and we are encouraged by management to try and sell sauces with steak, obviously increasing the amount diners are spending. I am serving several tables at once, and starting to spin a little. My manager has been breathing down my neck all night about selling sauces. I finally manage to convince two diners to buy a sauce each. After serving the steaks to the couple, I leave their table, momentarily forgetting about the sauces. I am at the grill calling on steaks for another table, when the manager comes pounding towards me.)

Manager: *in a lowered, but angry voice* “Where the h*** are table 30’s sauces?!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I forgot for a moment. I will get them immediately.”

(The sauces are kept in a bain-marie, and are extremely hot. In my rush to pour sauces into small ramekins, using a large metal ladle, I accidentally spill some of the boiling hot sauces on my hand. I’m in shock, and drop the ramekin, spilling sauce on myself and the general working area. The manager, standing on the opposite side of the counter, can see something is wrong, and rushes over.)

Me: *thinking he is coming to help me* “It’s okay. I’m okay. I’ll just put my hand under some cold water.” *my hand is red and hurting*

Manager: *glaring at me* “No! It is not okay! Your table is still waiting for their sauces!”

(He pushes me out of the way, pours the sauces, and slams the ladle down.)

Me: *stunned silence*

Manager: *plucking cleaning rag from the pocket of my apron* “Clean this mess up, and get those steaks out you just called on!” *rushes off with sauces, smiling sweetly at customers*

(My family is having dinner at a restaurant for Mother’s Day. I’m sitting with my brother and sister opposite our grandpa.)

Grandpa: *pouring beer* “Oops, too much head.”

Brother: “Are you practicing your beer-pouring skills so you can be a barman?”

Grandpa: “No, I don’t think I’ll be able to work a bar with this dismal effort.”

Me: *muttering* “It’s got more head than a high school football player.”

Brother & Sister: *laughing so hard they’re crying*

(My stepdad was laughing too hard to tell us off.)

(We are seated at our table promptly. The table is clean, yet missing place settings. I turn to the waiter, as he is filling our glasses, and request more ‘cutlery.’ A few minutes later he came out of the kitchen with a (very sharp) paring knife.)

Waiter: *laying the knife in front of me* “Can you all share the knife? We only have this one.”

Me: “No, I wanted place settings. You know, dinner knives and forks.”

(After turning red, he grabs the knife and flees to the kitchen, apologizing.)

Me: *to my dinner group* “I’m never using the word ‘cutlery’ again.”

(Later, another of the kitchen staff come out and handed out butter knives to everyone. The rest of the meal was a laughable mess.)

(I work in a cafe that also serves gelato. We also make ice cream cakes which are entirely made of ice cream. We just put layers of different flavors in a pan, freeze it and unmold it. To prevent any sort of misunderstanding, we also put a big sticker on each box saying ‘keep frozen.’ Even then, the concept seems to be hard to get for some customers. A customer that bought a cake four hours ago rushes into the shop looking really angry.)

Customer: “I want to have a refund! The cake you sold me did not work!”

Me: “What do you mean, it did not work?”

Customer: “Your cake melted before I could serve it to my guests! I want a refund!”

Me: “Did you leave the cake on the counter for a little while before serving it to your guests?”

Customer: “Of course not! I’m not an idiot! When I put it out of the fridge it was already melted!”

Me: “Wait… what? You left the cake in the fridge?”

Customer: “Yes, I did!”

Me: “But, sir, it needs to be kept in the freezer. It’s ice cream!”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “Ice cream needs to be kept frozen if you don’t want it to melt!”

Customer: “You really think I am stupid? I know ice cream melt! We are talking about a cake!”

Me: “Yes, a cake made of ice cream.”

Customer: “And?”

Me: “Like ice cream it needs to be kept in a freezer.”

Customer: “But it’s a cake!”

Me: A cake made of ice cream!”

Customer: *pause*

Me: (pause)

Customer: “But it’s a cake!”