(I work for my town’s local ice cream chain. It’s not very busy when a young woman walks in.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello. What kind of dips do you have?”

Me: “We have chocolate and cherry dip, ma’am.”

Customer: “Cherry dip? Does it taste like strawberry?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it tastes like cherry.”

Customer: “Yes, I know, but does it taste like strawberry?”

Me: “The cherry dip tastes like cherries, ma’am.”

Customer: “So, it doesn’t taste like strawberries?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll just have a vanilla cone with strawberry dip, then.”

Customer: “Could I get a small raspberry Italian soda?”

Me: “Small raspberry Italian soda? Sure. No problem.”

Customer: “Could you do it without syrup?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but the part that gives an Italian soda its fruity, raspberry flavor is just syrup.”

Customer: “That’s what I’m saying, but could you do it without syrup?”

Me: *pause* “No.”

(I’m a dishwasher at a restaurant. I hear this exchange between a server and a cook. A customer is being difficult and both employees are absolutely baffled.)

Cook: “So, let me get this straight. Buddy over there wants a chicken mushroom fettuccine, with no chicken and no mushrooms?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Cook: “So, just a fettuccine alfredo, then.”

Server: “Yeah, but he’s not listening to me. I’m trying to save him five bucks by telling him to get the fettuccine alfredo to save a bit of money, but he’s not listening.”

Cook: “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You’re going outta your way to save the guy some money and he’s being a total d**k.”

Server: “Customer’s always right, eh?”

Cook: *with a big grin* “D*** straight. Too proud to admit his own stupidity, but you gave him the chance. Chicken mushroom fettuccine, no chicken, no mushrooms coming up!”

(Meanwhile, I could hear other cooks snickering in the background and one of them asked, “Really, dude? REALLY?” One of the most amusing customer complaints ever!)

(My husband and I are having dinner at a local restaurant. Our server is a young black woman who is also serving the table beside us, which has an older — though not elderly — white woman. 

Everything seems fine until the woman pays her bill in cash. As the server is walking back to get change, she stops to see if my husband and I need drink refills. She is with us maybe five seconds, which is apparently suspicious.)

Customer: *sharply and loudly* “Don’t go ‘forgetting’ my change, honey, because I promise you I haven’t.”

Server: *in glacial polite tones, with a smile* “I am on my way to get your 37 cents just as soon as I check in on my other tables, ma’am, although if you need it right away I can spare it myself for you.”

(The woman seems to realize she’s drawn attention and looks flustered, and she is overly sweet when the server returns. I think maybe she’s realized she was being rude and presumptuous and is trying to make up for it, when she drops this gem as she stands up to leave.)

Customer: “Thank you, honey. Oh, and for next time, I speak ebonics, you know!”

(She left looking extremely proud of herself. How clueless can you be? I didn’t know what, if anything, I could say to our server, though I left her a bigger tip. Hopefully, she used it to buy herself something strong or indulgent after her shift because she deserves it if that’s the type of customer she has to deal with. Yet another reason why I could never be a server. Beaming positive vibes and good tips to all of you who are.)

(I’ve worked in hospitality for several years. It never ceases to amaze me how people ask for the toilets. I’ve heard all sorts of questions.)

Customer #1: “Where are the facilities?”

Customer #2: “Where can I pee?”

Customer #3: “Do you know where the toilets are?”

(But my favourite of all…)

Customer #4: “Do you have toilets?”

(I normally say:)

Me: “No, sorry, we do our business from the bridge.” *pointing outside*

(Our restaurant is by the river, next to a vintage, pedestrian-only bridge. Normally, people laugh and then I’ll direct them to the restrooms. But not THIS guy. I tell him the line, and he laughs and said:)

Customer #4: “Oh, okay, I got it.”

(I thought he had gotten the joke and had finally seen the huge sign reading, “RESTROOMS – DOWNSTAIRS,” right in front of him. Next thing I knew, I was peeking outside and I saw this guy climbing on the bridge with his pants off.)