Intentions As Clear As Glass

| Michigan, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to the cash register holding her bill in one hand and a half-full glass of soda in the other. She sets the bill on the counter and hands me the glass.)

Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Did your waitress forget to bring you a to-go cup?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m all finished, thanks.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just take this back to the dish-room to have it washed.”

Customer: “Actually, could you just empty it and bring it back up here?”

Me: “You mean empty it into a to-go cup?”

Customer: “No, just dump the soda out and bring me the empty glass.”

Me: “What are you going to do with an empty glass?”

Customer: “Shove it in my purse and haul my a** out of here!”

Light Food For Light Thinkers

| Lancaster, OH, USA | Top

(My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.”

Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.”

Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

Customer: “But I want it now.”

Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

Customer: “But I want it now!”

Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.”

(As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)

Now With Extra Meow

| Gatineau, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there, what would you like?”

Customer: “I’ll take a BLT sub.”

Me: “Coming right up…” *makes order*

Customer: “What’s that thing that looks like cat food?”

Me: “It’s tuna, ma’am.”

Customer: “Can I get some of it in my sub?”

Me: “Sure, but it’s going to cost some extra.”

Customer: “I don’t mind. I wanna try that cat food.”

Much Ado About Nothing

| Scotland, UK | Uncategorized

(A restaurant customer calls me over to his table with a problem.)

Me: “Is everything alright?”

Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak. It’s too over-cooked to be called medium rare.”

Me: “Would you like me to get the chef. sir?”

Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing love”

Me: “You…don’t want me to do anything about it?”

Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

Me: “Uh, alright.”

(I leave him to it, but five minutes later he calls me over again.)

Me: “Hi, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak.”

Me: “Yes, you just explained it to me.”

Customer: “Well, it’s not.”

Me: “What would you like me to do about it, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

Me: “Would you like to speak to the chef?”

Customer: “I don’t care what you do!”

(I bring out the chef who resolves the problem; it’s apparently what the customer wanted me to do.)

You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 4

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “What’s on your BBQ chicken pizza?”

Me: “BBQ sauce, cheese and chicken.”

Customer: “So there’s BBQ sauce, right?”

Me: “Yup…”

Customer: “…chicken?”

Me: “Uh huh…”

Customer: “…and it’s on a pizza, right? With cheese?”

Me: “Yes, it has all of those toppings.”

Customer: “So what makes it a BBQ chicken pizza?”

Me: “The BBQ sauce, the chicken, and the fact that it’s on a pizza.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. Well that just doesn’t sound like it’s possible. I’ll take a large cheese instead!”

You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3
You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
You Can Lead A Horse To Water