The Land Of The Free And Home Of The Portable Umbrella

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Food & Drink

(I am clearing off the tables on the deck of the restaurant because it has just started raining. Most people have moved inside.)

Customer: “Are you guys kicking us off the deck?”

Me: “No, sir, you are welcome to stay out here as long as you wish.”

Customer: “In that case, can you move one of the tables with the umbrellas so they cover my wife?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the tables are bolted down to the deck and I can’t move them.”

Customer: “The tables…they don’t move? But this is America!”

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Sanguine Mealtime Entertainment

| Rockville, MD, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “Do you have any crayons?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, we are all out and our shipment doesn’t come in until Tuesday.”

Customer: “Well what is my child supposed to color with?! Her blood?”

An Ate For Two Special

| Fort Lee, NJ, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have one Penne Milano.”

Me: “Okay, is there anything else I can get you?”

Customer: “One should be enough to feed eight people, right?”

Me: “No, unfortunately. At most, it could feed two.”

Customer: “Well, how can I make it feed eight?”

Me: “Perhaps you can order more than one?”

Line Is Law

| British Columbia, Canada | Food & Drink

(I am working in a buffet-style restaurant where customers line up for the food.)

Supervisor: “Can you go refill the napkins? We’re all out.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I walk over to the line wearing my work uniform and my ID card prominently displayed.)

Me: “Excuse me, I just need to refill the napkins.”

Customer: “No problem.”

Customer #2: “Why the f*** does everyone keep cutting the line?”

Me: “Sir, I work here. I am just refilling the napkins.”

Customer #2: “Well, that is no excuse! If you work here, you should know to wait your turn!”

Related:
Two Points Make A Line, But Three People Don’t

Did I Steal That Out Loud

| Bethesda, Maryland, USA | Underaged

(Two boys around the age of 15 walk in without an adult. They order food that the average teenager cannot pay for. After they’re done eating, I come with the bill.)

Me: “Here is the bill.”

(They look at it. The total is about $107.)

Boy: “That’s a lot of cash. Let’s run!”

Me: “You better not, sir.”

Boy: “How’d you hear us? We were using telepathy!”

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