More Truffle Than It’s Worth

| State College, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

Customer: “I’ll take the southwestern burger, but absolutely no mushrooms. I’m allergic to mushrooms.”

(I go back to the kitchen to let the cook know of the allergy. This means they have to clean every cooking utensil and grill that may have touched a mushroom. After stopping service  for ten minutes to clean, the cook lets me know of some complications.)

Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed all allergens from the cooking area but the cook has let me know that the bun for your burger is toasted on the same toaster as the mushroom focaccia and can’t be cleaned. We can grill it on the grill for you instead?”

Customer: “That’s fine. No mushrooms. I’m allergic.”

(I return to the kitchen, and the cook is meticulously going through our ingredients to make sure no other issues arise. He finds
another.)

Me: “Ma’am, sorry to bother you again. But the salsa on your burger doesn’t list all of the ingredients so better safe than sorry; we didn’t put the salsa on the burger.”

Customer: “Why not? I want the salsa!”

Me: “But it probably has chopped mushrooms.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I’m not really allergic. I just really don’t like them.”

(The cook nearly killed me when I went back to tell him.)

On A Steak Out

| Dartford, UK | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(I’m a policeman and my colleagues and I went to subway for something to eat. I order my sandwich and it’s the turn of my colleague.)

Officer: ” What’s in a steak and cheese?”

Assistant: “I’m sorry?

Officer: ” The steak and cheese, what’s in it?

Assistant: “Steak and cheese?”

Me: “Don’t worry, he’ll never make detective.”

Half A Brain And A Pound Foolish

, | TN, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like to try our new Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger?”
 
Customer: “Nope. I want a… I’m not sure what it is called. But it has BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese and all that.”
 
Me: “Okay, that is our Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger.”
 
Customer: “Yeah, sure.”
 
Me: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”
 
Customer: “Nope, no combo.”
 
Me: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half pound for that?”
 
Customer: “For what?”
 
Me: “The size of the meat patty; you can get either the quarter, third, or half pound.”
 
Customer: “I’m not stupid; I can read a sign. Is the half pound the biggest?”
 
Me: “Yes, sir.”
 
Customer: “So, the quarter-third is next size down?”
 
Me: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes. The third is smaller than the half, but larger than the quarter. The quarter is smallest of all.”
 
Customer: “Oh, okay. I will have the quarter-third.”

(I contemplate for a moment, then ring him up for a third pound.)
 
Me: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”
 
Customer: “What about some fries and a coke?”

Se Habla Japañol

, | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

Gluing Up Appearances

| North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(This happened while I was working at an upscale restaurant in North Carolina. It’s during one of the worst droughts in history.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, here is your table. It’s right by the window as requested.”

Customer: “Can we have another table?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’d be glad to move you to another table, but this is the only one available near a window.”

Customer: “Well, I just don’t want to look out at the dead tree.”

Me: “Dead tree?”

Customer: “Yes, you see that dead tree out there? Honestly, your groundskeeper should be doing a better job.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s because we are currently in a drought.”

Customer: “So? He should at least water it.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s against the law to water lawns and trees right now.”

Customer: “Well, he should at least go and glue some fake leaves to the tree!”

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