Barney Refuses To Dye

| CT, USA | Working | March 18, 2015

Me: “Hey, [General Manager], can I dye my hair purple?”

General Manager: “How purple?”

Me: “Really purple.”

General Manager: “Like the color of Barney?”

Me: “No, not Barney colored!”

General Manager: “I’ll let you dye your hair if everyone can call you Barney.”

How To Cheese Someone Off

, | Idaho Falls, ID, USA | Working | March 17, 2015

(I am about six years old. My mom, brother, and I go to a popular fast food restaurant which is a big treat for us.)

Mom: *to me* “Tell the lady what you would like to eat.”

Me: “I’ll get a kids meal with a cheeseburger, please?”

Employee: “I’m sorry; our kids meals don’t come with cheeseburgers.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get a kids meal with chicken nugget, then.”

Brother: *to employee* “I’ll get a kids meal with a hamburger?”

Employee: “Would you like cheese on your hamburger?”

Me: “…”

Giving Birth To Reason

| USA | Romantic | March 17, 2015

(My husband and I are at a restaurant, sharing with family members the news that we’re expecting our first child.)

Male Relative #1: “Oh, so do you know what hospital you’re going to deliver at?”

Me: “No, not a hospital. We’re doing a home water birth. Much lower key and all of that.”

Male Relative #1: *perplexed* “[Husband], are you ok with this?”

Husband: “Sure, I’m fine with it. It means I get to sit on my own couch and [My Name] will be more comfortable.”

Male Relative #1: “Oh, yeah! Nice!”

Male Relative #2: “Really? I think I would have a problem if my wife wanted to do that.”

Husband: “I learned years ago that you don’t tell a grown woman what to do with her body.”

(Most of his family laughs, and his female relatives give him approving looks and thumbs-ups.)

Male Relative #2: *shrugs* “Okay, whatever. I’m just saying that if it were me, I think I would have a problem with it.”

Husband: “And that’s why you’re single.”

(And that’s why I married him!)

Sleeping On The Job

| OH, USA | Romantic | March 16, 2015

(My boyfriend and I haven’t had a date in a while, so he takes me out for fancy coffees and dinner. It should be noted that I make and sell products online and he is my marketing partner. As we are served our coffees and waiting for our food, the following takes place.)

Me: *holding his hands across the table* “It’s so nice to be out with you. Thank you for this.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it’s a nice treat!”

Me: *checking my email on my phone* “Oh! I got another order.”

Boyfriend: “I should really start on your online store when we get home.”

Me: “Yeah, I hate getting charged twenty cents through [Online Store] every time my products re-list.”

Boyfriend: “Twenty cents?! Every time?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s set to auto-renew every listing when someone buys something. So… BAM!… twenty cents every time I sell something.”

(Our food arrives, but he ignores his burger and pulls up the calculator app on his phone.)

Boyfriend: “So if you sell [#] products, you get charged [$], when you can just have your own website and sell from there.”

Me: “Exactly! But since I already have my own website, but it’s not for my products, can you make a different facet just for my store? One that you don’t have to go through my main website to get to?”

Boyfriend: “I can make a whole new website, and if you pay for the whole year upfront, you’ll get three free vouchers for online advertising.”

Me: *pauses and laughs* “Is this a date, or a business meeting?”

Boyfriend: “That depends on what happens when we go home…”

Me: “Oh, I’ll sleep with you… which, I guess, makes it a date.”

Boyfriend: “And you get three advertising vouchers out of it!”

Me: “…and that would make me a prostitute!”

Giving You A Heart Attack With A Heart Attack

, | Dayton, OH, USA | Right | March 14, 2015

(I am working the drive through with the manager.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Store]. Would you like to try [new sandwich]?”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!”

(I jumped, scared by the customer’s volume. Meanwhile, my manager was laughing, as she recognized her boyfriend in the drive-through. The rest of the order went smoothly.)

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