CAN’T Spell

| CT, USA | Related | January 12, 2015

(My dad and I are talking to my mom, describing something funny that happened in an episode of a TV show he and I watch together. We’re in a fairly crowded restaurant, with both older and younger diners surrounding us.)

Me: “So the main character volunteers to write an obituary for his wife’s aunt who had just died, but the newspaper printed it wrong.”

Dad: “Yeah, they spelled the word ‘aunt’ wrong. Instead of an ‘A,’ they used a ‘C.'”

Me: “Isn’t that funny?”

Mom: “So you mean they spelled ‘cant’?”

(My dad and I look at each other and then at my mom.)

Me: “Nooo, they spelled a-u-n-t, but used a ‘C’ instead of the ‘A.'”

Mom: *very loudly* “OOOOH, C**T!”

A Marrying Together Of Ideas

| USA | Related | January 11, 2015

(My 15-year-old niece and I are discussing gay marriage.)

Me: You know, you probably won’t believe this, but when you and [Cousin] were little, you used to put a veil on your Patrick doll and marry him to your Spongebob doll.

Niece: *laughing* “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yes. A Teletubby was usually the preacher.”

Niece: “Well, I guess there’s nothing wrong with Spongebob and Patrick getting married if they want to.”

Me: *after a brief pause* “Actually, there are probably about a million things wrong with Spongebob and Patrick getting married. It’s just that the fact that they are both boys isn’t one of those things.”

(And then we both laughed until we almost were sick.)

Twice The Cheese, Double The Effort

, | Canada | Right | January 11, 2015

(I used to work at a small sandwich shop at which the manager and I were the only daytime employees. Our franchise serves shredded cheese on sandwiches, and customers often try to get us to put extra cheese on, since it’s more difficult to gauge the proper amount. The following happens during our regular lunch rush, as my manager and I are running back and forth, ringing people through and making their sandwiches.)

Me: “And what kind of cheese would you like?”

Customer #1: “Shredded.”

(I measure out the proper amount with our scoop and put it on his sandwich.)

Customer #1: “No, put more than that.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is our standardized amount. If you want more, you’ll have to pay for extra cheese.”

Customer #1: “No, you didn’t put enough on. You need more than that.”

(My manager has just finished ringing someone through and comes over.)

Manager: “No, sir, I saw her measure it out. That is the standardized amount for a footlong sandwich.”

Customer #1: “No. I need more cheese than that!”

(This goes back and forth for a minute as I get to work on the next customer’s order, and finally my manager puts a full extra serving of cheese on.)

Manager: “So that will be [amount] extra when you get to the till, then.”

Customer #1: *mutters* “Well, put more than that on, then.”

(My manager ignores him, and I finish making his sandwich and start punching it into the till.)

Customer #1: “And I’m not paying for extra cheese.”

Manager: “I gave you double cheese. Are you saying you would like me to give you free food?”

Customer #1: “You didn’t put double cheese! You put a tiny bit extra.”

Manager: “No. You received the regular, doubled, amount. Are you going to pay for it?”

Customer #1: “No! You should have put more! I won’t pay for extra cheese.” *smiling smugly* “So, how much is it without extra?”

(My manager raised her eyebrows at him, canceled the order, threw the sandwich in the garbage, and went back to help the next customer in line. He stood there speechless until the other customers started applauding. Then his face turned red and he stormed out, muttering that we lost “$30.00.” His sandwich was only worth about $8.00, even with the extra cheese.)

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Cheesed Off All By Yourself

| Gettysburg, PA, USA | Working | January 11, 2015

(I am about 12 years old at the time.)

Me: “Hi, could I please get a [Popular Restaurant Burger] from the value menu with only cheese?

(The employee gives me an angry glare for about three seconds followed by hitting the button for a burger with everything on it then pushing the ‘remove item’ button for all the other things.)

Employee: “Why do you have to be so DIFFICULT?!”

Me: “You know, there is a button to the right of the one you pushed that automatically takes off everything except the cheese…”

Employee: *screaming* “No, there isn’t! You just made that up to make me look stupid!”

Me: “Why would I need to make you look stupid? You are doing a fine job of that on your own!”

Employee: “YOU LITTLE S***!”

(Overhearing this, the manager comes over.)

Manager: “Pack your things and leave now. This is the third time TODAY that you have yelled at a customer!” *to me* “Your food will be right out and free of charge, I am so sorry you had to deal with her.”

Me: “Thank you, but why did you let her keep working here after her first screaming match?”

Manager: “Sadly, I just got here. I was watching the tapes because I had gotten several complaints and was coming out to fire her anyway, but now I feel even more justified.”

(We now go to that restaurant on a regular basis and are good friends with that manager. Side note, kids: if you ever encounter an employee being mean, first, be as nice as possible –  if they are determined to get a reaction, this is incredibly funny. Second, tell the manager IMMEDIATELY after it happens so nobody else has to deal with employees being jerks!)

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Thinks She’s The Big Cheese

| Canada | Right | January 10, 2015

(I used to work for a large franchise, but at a small location at which we stopped serving shredded cheese on sandwiches for a while. During this period, a woman comes in with her two preteen sons, and everything is just fine until we get to the cheese.)

Me: “And what kind of cheese would you like?”

Customer: “Shredded, please.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t serve shredded on sandwiches.”

Customer: “What? But I always have shredded.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the shredded cheese is more expensive than the regular, and since we’re a small location, we need to save it to season our cheese bread.”

(The customer is getting visibly angry now.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I’ve walked out of stores without shredded cheese before! I’m a paying customer! You’re supposed to give me what I want!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to serve shredded cheese. If you like, I can give you [two kinds of our regular cheese that are in the shredded cheese]. It’s basically the same thing, it just won’t be shredded.”

Customer: “I CAN’T believe this. How hard is it to shred cheese?! I’ve walked out of stores before!”

Me: “The cheese comes pre-shredded or pre-cut. I have no possible way of shredding the cheese here.”

Customer: “I am a paying customer! That other cheese tastes like plastic! I should speak to your manager about this! I’m paying and I should get what I want!”

(Suddenly, one of the customer’s sons, who has been looking increasingly uncomfortable, speaks up:)

Customer’s Son: “Mom. It’s just CHEESE.”

Customer: “I know but as a paying customer I should be getting what I want!”

(She didn’t walk out, but she kept repeating that she was a “paying customer” through the whole transaction. Her poor sons looked like they wished the ground would swallow them up.)

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