Give The Workers A (Prison) Break

, | UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

(I’m on my way home after a hockey social, dressed as a prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit and trick handcuffs. I’m pretty hungry, so I stop for food. Inside there is a drunk man yelling at the cashiers.)

Drunk: “I said [competitor’s signature item]! This is WRONG!”

Cashier: “I told you, you’re at [place], not [competitor]!”

Drunk: “I know where I am!”

Me: “Oh, do you?”

(He turns to me, and does a double take at my outfit.)

Me: “Because I think you’re in a whole world of trouble.”

(I start advancing, cackling Joker-style.)

Drunk: “What ya gonna do, crazy b****?”

(In answer, I stretch out, making it look like I’ve just torn apart my handcuffs.)

Drunk: “Holy s***!”

(I keep approaching, cackling.)

Drunk: “Psycho b****!”

(He throws his food at me and runs. I reach the counter, and drop the act.)

Me: “Can I get a portion of nuggets, please?”

(The cashier just stares at me for a moment.)

Cashier: “Y’know, I think he was right on the crazy part. Nuggets coming right up.”

It’s About To Get Crazy Horse Up In Here

, | OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

(I am on break and heading towards the restroom, when a customer asks me to take his order. Seeing that it’s busy, and assuming that the customer has been waiting for some time, I step up to the spare till that the managers all share. All of my on-duty coworkers are either Hispanic or African American.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Number four, medium, with an iced tea to drink. I’m glad you finally came out of the kitchen. I thought I’d never get to order.”

Me: “I’m sorry again about your wait. We’ve been a little understaffed all day.”

Customer: “So, that must be why you were doing the Mexican’s work.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The kitchen, the kitchen! I guess all these n****** who can’t take an order right needed someone back there who speaks English to fix everything. They need to hire more white folks like you to work here.”

Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you refrain from making such offensive remarks.”

Customer: “Aw, c’mon. No need to cater to them. Just between us, you think whites are the best race, right?”

Me: “Just between us?”

(I beckon the customer closer, then speak loudly enough for the entire restaurant to hear.)

Me: “If you spout any more of this racist bull-s***, I will not hesitate to kick you out.”

Customer: “But you’re white!”

Me: “Not that it matters, but I’m half Native-American.”

Customer: “You don’t look it. If that’s true, what’s your ‘Injun’ name?”

Me: “In my tribe, I am called ‘Ejects-Bigoted-A**-hole-From-Premises’. Now kindly get the f*** out.”

Think Small

| CT, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am working the pay window at a fast food restaurant.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “Why did they ask me small, medium, or large?”

Me: “For the size of your combo.”

Customer: “That is too complicated for drive-thru.”