A ‘Step’ Too Far

| Germany | Related | January 20, 2016

(After my grandmother’s funeral, the guests assemble at a nearby restaurant. Note that since my father passed away early, my brother and I are my grandmother’s only living relatives. My mum — her daughter-in-law — is also there with us. The guests are currently offering their condolences to my grandma’s partner, and after talking to him, a couple I don’t know personally notices us sitting next to him.)

Husband: *to me* “And you are… the grandchild, right?”

Me: “Yes, my brother and I are her grandchildren.”

Husband: *to my mum* “Are they your children?”

Mum: “They are.”

Wife: “So you are…?”

Mum: “I’m [Grandma]’s daughter-in-law.”

Wife: *turning to her husband* “The daughter-in-law and her children. All right, you don’t have to remember their names; we won’t see them again anyway.”

(Her tone implied that she expected us to drop out of my grandma’s partner’s life, too, since he isn’t a blood relative. Needless to say, we were appalled — and of course we will stay in contact with our “step-grandpa”!)

Bad Jokes Will Be Avenged

| The Netherlands | Friendly | January 19, 2016

(I’m meeting with an ex with whom I’m still on good terms. We’re having coffee in a busy restaurant and are seated at a large table; there’s a woman sitting next to us. I have just told my ex a Marvel-related joke, which the woman also heard and found very funny. A while later, she is joined by a man I presume is her boyfriend.)

Man: “Excuse me, I don’t want to intrude, but I’ve been having a really bad day and my girlfriend told me you had a great joke. Can I hear it?”

Me: *surprised* “Sure. It’s in English, is that a problem?”

Man: “Nah.”

Me: “Okay. What’s Captain America’s shield made of?”

Man: “Vibranium.”

Me: “Right, What’s Hawkeye’s shield made of?”

Man: “Um, iron?”

Me: “No, Quicksilver.”

(The guy had a great laugh and told me I made his day.)

Pinot No No

| Lake District, England, UK | Right | January 19, 2016

(I work on the bar of a small restaurant that attracts a lot of upscale clientele. Our selection of wines is large for the size of the business, but we only have eight that we do by the glass (the house wines). A well-dressed gentleman aged around fifty approaches.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have a small glass of Pinot Grigio.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a Pinot by the glass. We do have a dry Italian white that is similar, though.”

Customer: *as though I’d slapped him across the face* “What kind of place is this? I’ve never heard of a restaurant not having a house Pinot Grigio. What else do you have?”

Me: “We have the Italian white, which as I said is similar to a Pinot grape, as well as Sauvignon Blanc and Chardonnay.”

Customer: “But you do sell Pinot Grigio?”

Me: “By the bottle, yes. It’s £18.95.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have a small glass of that. How hard is that to understand?”

Me: *losing patience* “We do not sell that particular wine by the glass, sir. If I open the bottle, I am required to charge you for the entire bottle and not just one glass. What I can serve you by the glass is this particular dry white –” *picking up the bottle* “– which is the most similar to a Pinot Grigio we have.”

Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I’ll try that one.”

(I pour him a small glass of the Italian white. He proceeds to aerate the wine as though he is a professional wine taster, before smelling it, sipping it and smiling.)

Customer: “Yes, this is a lovely Pinot Grigio. I’ll take a bottle, please.”

Me: *head-bangs the wall after he leaves*

A Conversation Stopper

, | Hertfordshire, England, UK | Working | January 19, 2016

(I work with a lot of young students aged 16-18. One shift I receive a few complaints from customers with young children, complaining that they and their children can hear my colleagues’ inappropriate conversations about their weekend partying — including stories about sex and drugs. I call a meeting with my colleagues to talk to them about this.)

Me: “Now, you know I don’t have a problem with you guys talking a bit on shift so long as you keep working. But you shouldn’t have personal conversations within earshot of customers.”

Colleague #1: “Why not? If we’re allowed to talk then we’re gonna talk!”

Me: “Like I said, I have no problem with you talking while you work. I know you’re friends outside of work. It’s WHAT you’re talking about that’s the issue.”

Colleague #2: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, we’ve had some complaints about your conversations. Parents have complained that they can hear you talking about sex and drugs and how ‘wasted’ and ‘f***ed up’ you were. That’s not an appropriate conversation to have at work — especially in a family restaurant!”

Colleague #1: “Well, it’s their fault!”

Me: “What?”

Colleague #1: “Why are they listening to our private conversations?! They should mind their own business!”

Colleague #2: “Yeah! It’s rude! It’s illegal, innit?”

Me: “You are loudly talking, and swearing, about having sex and doing drugs, whilst serving our customers and their small children. That’s completely unacceptable!”

Colleague #1: “Well, they shouldn’t be listening to our conversations!”

Me: “…Wow.”

He’s Not Kidding About This

| Columbus, OH, USA | Friendly | January 18, 2016

(My wife and I were out to dinner with a friend of hers from high school and her husband. As we are leaving the restaurant it’s just above freezing outside and I’m pulling out my hat. I missed what was said immediately before this.)

Wife: “Well, we are adults now.”

Me: *putting on a jester hat made of felt* “Yes, we are adults.”

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