A regular at our restaurant will tap her martini glass with a fork, wait for me to turn and make eye contact, and then call across the room:

Regular: “MORE MARTINIS!”

Tap, tap, tap.

Regular: “WE’RE READY FOR OUR FOOD NOW!” 

Sometimes, I’ll see how many times she taps because I know she knows that it’s trashy, and she’ll start to get uncomfortable but still keep going.

Tap, tap, tap. 

Silence.

Tap, tap, tap. 

Manager: “Hey, Ms. [Regular] is trying to get your attention.” 

Me: “I know. Give it two more.”

Tap, tap, tap.

Me: “Stay strong. One more…” 

Tap, tap, tap.

Me: “More martinis, Ms. [Regular]?”

By then, she had the whole dining room looking at her sideways, which was enough for me. Small victories are the best victories in the service industry.

I am a hostess and busser, and I very quickly learned that I am not cut out to deal with customers.

Customer: “Waldorf salad.”

I stand there patiently for an actual question. He’s staring back at me like I’m a dumba**.

Customer: “Wall-dawrfff-sal-ud.” 

He’s speaking very slowly like I’m the idiot in this conversation.

Me: “Yes, Waldorf salad.” 

Customer: *Continuing to stare at me* “Waldorf salad.” 

Me: “Fettuccine Alfredo.”

I walk away, and the customer’s shoulders sink and he leaves. My manager is staring at me. 

Manager: “I think that was a spy saying their code phrase to the wrong person.”

It’s my last night as a delivery driver. The order is $12.98, and the customer hands me $13.

Customer: *Laughing* “Keep the change.”

I rummage through my change pouch, take out two pennies, and toss them back.

Me: “If I wanted your two cents, I would have asked you a f****** question.” 

I walked away. That was my final delivery ever and well worth it.

I was having lunch at this restaurant last Sunday with my friend. All the other tables were occupied. Two girls appeared, but since it was packed and there were no empty tables or vacant seats, they just stood there awkwardly, looking around, waiting for some people to get up and leave.

Me: “We’re almost finished. You can have our table after we leave.”

But instead of being thankful, they just threw me a dirty look and rolled their eyes as if I were trying to flirt with them. My face went red, and I didn’t know what to say. I was just trying to be nice. It wasn’t as if I was trying to initiate small talk with them or something. Then, my embarrassment turned to anger. The least they could do was just nod their heads.

Then, I heard one of them speak to the other.

Girl #1: “Maybe we should just go to another restaurant.”

Girl #2: “No, this is the only Chinese restaurant near our place. And that guy—” *points at me with her lips in a not-so-subtle way* “—is almost done.”

Fine. I raised my hand and called a waitress over.

Me: “We would like to have a few more drinks, please.”

She brought them out a few minutes later. My friend was trying so hard to stifle his laughter that I swear he broke a rib or two as we VERY slowly ate the rest of our meal. The rude girls left quickly soon after.

I am discussing some menu alterations with a kitchen worker when I see one of our new waitstaff walking out into the restaurant with an odd-looking drink. I call out to him.

Me: “Hey! [New Hire]! What… is that?”

New Hire: “Oh! Soapy water. I don’t know why the guy ordered it, but I guess he likes to wash his hands at the table or something?”

Me: “Are you sure he didn’t ask for… soda water?”

A few moments of cogs turning…

New Hire: “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

Hopefully, the customer enjoyed his soda water more than some washing-up liquid in a glass.