Keep That Mustache To Yourself

| Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

When Life Gives You Melons

| Plattsburgh, NY, USA | Food & Drink

(This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

Don’t Mind The Behind

| Miami, FL, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m a hostess at a restaurant. Many of the employees wear headsets to communicate with each other. It’s a busy Friday night and I’m walking an English gentleman over to his table.)

Customer: “Excuse me, why do you have a red light on your backside?”

(I look around and realize what he’s talking about.)

Me: “Oh, it’s my headset. The light just indicates that it is on.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I drop him off at his table and leave laughing. Later, the server for his table comes up to me…)

Server: “He asked me, ‘Do you have a red bottom too?'”

Crunchy Convergent Evolution

| Dayton, OH, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: *frantically* “Ma’am? Ma’am! My noodles are extremely dry!”

Me: “Those are not noodles. They are tortilla strips.”

Please Placebo Me

| Ocala, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I need some help over here!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: “This salt is too salty!”

Me: “But it’s salt, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t care! It’s too salty! You need to bring me a different shaker!”

(I proceed to bring her another shaker, which is no different than the first.)

Customer: “That’s better! Thank you!”

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