A Shapely Comeback

| Wilsonville, OR, USA | Romantic | February 13, 2015

(I’m having lunch with my husband and I’m feeling depressed and self-conscious about how I look.)

Me: Sorry I’m so fat and out of shape.

Husband: *while looking at the menu* “Yeah. Me, too.”

(He meant that he was sorry he was out of shape, too, but wasn’t paying attention to the wording.)

Husband: *as his face goes pale* “No! That’s not what I meant! I meant I’m out of shape! God!”

(I died laughing. Luckily I knew what he meant as soon as he said it, but he still felt bad.)

Getting Shirty With You

| PA, USA | Friendly | February 12, 2015

(I’m out to dinner with a few of my female friends. I’m wearing a fan made My Little Pony and Harry Potter shirt that says ‘My Patronus is a Pony’.)

Friend #1: *seeing my shirt* “Oh, my god, [My Name], you’re so crazy!”

Me: “We’ve established this. You think I’d wear a shirt like this if I cared if anyone knew I was crazy?”

Friend #1: “But it’s so stupid!”

Me: “Eh, whatever.”

(Later, as we’re getting up to leave the restaurant, a fairly attractive waitress is passing by and notices my shirt.)

Waitress: *stops dead and reads my shirt* “HA! I love your shirt, man!”

Me: “Thanks!”

(We leave the restaurant.)

Me: *turning to [Friend #1]* “Oh, I’m so CRAZY, right? No one would like this shirt.”

Friend #1: “Shut up.”

Decent Management Has Gone Down The Toilet

, | Peterborough, ON, Canada | Working | February 12, 2015

(It’s a slower morning, so the manager on shift is having us do some extra cleaning. He assigns me to clean the walls in the customer bathrooms. I finish the men’s room and move on to the women’s. As I’m cleaning, a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Oh, should I come back?”

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. You go ahead. I can come back in a few minutes.”

(I go back to the kitchen to work on another task while I wait.)

Manager: “All finished?”

Me: “Not quite, someone came in before I was done. I’ll go back in a couple minutes.”

Manager: “You should have made her wait.”

(I think he’s joking, so I half laugh at it. I finish cleaning the bathroom and the manager comes up to me again.)

Manager: *completely serious* “Next time, block the door with something and don’t let them come in.”

Splitting Friendships, Not The Bill

| The Netherlands | Friendly | February 9, 2015

(I’m eating out at a Mexican place with two friends. One is known to be stingy, but I decided it couldn’t be that bad and went to the restaurant anyway.)

Friend #1: “Choosing your dish is the most difficult one of all! I can’t decide between two of my favourites.”

Me: “Yeah, I can’t decide either.”

Friend #2: “Me neither.”

Friend #1: “You know what? We all choose a different dish and then we share! That way, we can have a little bit of everything!”

Me: “That’s a terrific idea! If [Friend #1] picks that and [Friend #2] picks that and I choose this, we all have what we want!”

Friend #2: “No”

Friend #1 & Me: “Sorry, what?”

Friend #2: “No, I don’t want to share. I don’t think it’s hygienic.”

Me: “You do realise that strangers touched your food in the kitchen while preparing it, and you think it’s not hygienic to share it with your two friends you’ve known forever?”

Friend #2: “Yeah, so?”

(Friend #1 and I decided to leave it be and share with each other instead, not wanting to spoil the mood. Then after a lovely meal, the bill appears on our table.)

Friend #1: “So, let’s split the bill in three?”

Me: “Sure. We roughly had the same prices on our dishes anyway.”

Friend #2: “No. I’m only paying for my own dish and drinks.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(Friend #2 starts to count her dish and drinks. Turns out that she had to pay €5 more when she paid for her own stuff than when we split the bill into three.)

Friend #2: “Never mind. Let’s split after all.”

Friend #1: “No way! You didn’t want to split; now you pay the price for being stingy!”

Me: “Couldn’t agree more!”

Friend #2: “But I’m almost broke!”

Me: “Then you shouldn’t have gone to a restaurant!”

(Best part was that when I was with that same stingy friend in a clothing shop the week before, I had to stop her from buying every single item in the store because she ‘needed it.’ So much for being broke!)

Bacon Begone

, | London, UK | Working | February 9, 2015

(I am visiting London at a time when they are having a 99p sale on bacon double cheeseburgers. However, the “bacon” is a limp piece of meat instead of the crispy strip my American tastes prefer; furthermore, the bacon double is prepared with no condiments on it.)

Me: “Can I just get a regular double cheeseburger for 99p? I don’t like the bacon double.”

Cashier: “No, the double cheeseburgers are regular price.”

Me: “But they’re basically the same thing. In fact, the regular double doesn’t have the bacon on it, so its ingredients probably cost less anyway.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, the double cheeseburger is regular price.”

Me: “All right, then, I’ll order a bacon double. But can I get it ‘my way?'”

Cashier: “Sure.”

Me: “I’ll have ketchup on it.”

Cashier: *typing this into the register* “Okay.”

Me: “And mustard, please. And pickles.”

Cashier: *also typing this into the register* “Okay.”

Me: “And just one other change; hold the bacon.”

(The cashier instantly realizes what I’ve done and gives me a dirty look. But I got my 99p regular double cheeseburger!)

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