It’s High Time To Lay Off The Drugs

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

Me: “Hi, can I help you?

Customer: “Yeah, when do you start lunch?”

Me: “At 10:30, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get [large lunch meal]?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s still breakfast.”

Customer: “But you just said you start lunch at 10:30!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it’s not 10:30 yet.”

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “6:00 am, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh.” *long pause* “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was this high when I left the house!”

Getting To The Root Of The Problem, Part 3

| Seattle, WA, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m a server at an Italian restaurant. I approach a table where my guest is pointing at a moderately-priced item on our wine list.)

Me: “Hi, there! Welcome to [restaurant]. Can I answer any questions about the wine menu?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was gonna ask if you had any wines from Venice, but then I realized there’s no dirt there!”

Getting To The Root Of The Problem, Part 2
Getting To The Root Of The Problem

Sauce For The Saucy

| Washington, DC, USA | Food & Drink

(At our take-out counter, we frequently have people order online and pay by credit card before they arrive. Once in a while, someone forgets they still have to sign the receipt when they get there.)

Caller: “Yes, hello, I’d like to speak to a manager. I have a take-out complaint.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I work at take-out; what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I just came and picked up my order, and it isn’t right at all!”

Me: “Oh, yes. You came in just a moment ago, grabbed the bag on the counter, and left?”

Caller: “Yes, and I already paid for it.”

Me: “True, but that bag wasn’t yours. Sir, that bag was full of our spare packets of soy sauce.”

Caller: “Oh. I was wondering why you gave me so much of the stuff.”

All Of The Calories, None Of The Taste

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I work at a cashier at a local fast food place. A young woman approaches me.)

Me: “Hello and welcome to [restaurant]. Can I take your order?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium Diet Coke.”

(I get the Diet Coke and give it to her. She pays and leaves. Five minutes later, she returns looking rather angry.)

Me: “Hello, did you enjoy your Diet Coke?”

Customer: “NO! This isn’t Diet Coke! I can taste the Coke in it!”

Me: “Uh…let me get you a new one, then…”

Desperate Drive-Thru-Wives

, | Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

(I’m presenting at the drive-thru of a well-known franchise. A van full of women in their 30s and 40s pulls up. I hand them their drinks and proceed to make small talk with them while waiting for my runner to finish assembling the meal.)

Me: “So, it’ll be just a moment and your food will be ready!”

(As I talk to the driver, she pulls a weird, thick, peach-colored item from her bag. She and her friends start laughing.)

Driver: “Oh, that’s fine, honey! Take your time!”

Me: “Haha, all…right…”

(Suddenly, I realize what the item is. It’s a phallic-shaped pen.)

Me: “That’s…um. That’s an interesting pen you have there, haha!”

Driver: *waving it around* “Oh yes, isn’t it?”

Me: “Er…yes! Here’s your food! You have a good day, now!”

Driver: “Oh, I don’t think this is big enough, but I’ll try!”

(All the women in the van laugh as they drive off.)

Me: *speechless*

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