Not Your Regular Zombie Apocalypse

, | USA | Right | April 1, 2015

(I am nearing the end of my shift. Unfortunately the zombie apocalypse started a few hours ago and so my coworkers and I are trying to add defenses to the doors and the windows. An obnoxious regular is trying to get in.)

Regular: “I want my triple cheeseburger, d*** it!”

Me: “Sir! Please get in your car and drive home! Your family will want to see you in this time of need!”

Regular: “F*** my family! And f*** you! You lazy good-for-nothing are just using any excuse not to serve me!”

Coworker: “Sir! Get away from the door! We need to lock it and defend ourselves!”

(My coworker rolls his eyes at the situation and goes into the kitchen to make sure the doors are locked there. Just then, I notice the regular has a bite-mark on his arm.)

Me: “Sir, you’ve been bit!”

Regular: “D*** right! I hit that stupid low-life right back, though! You should–”

(The regular stops talking, a look of abrupt calm on his face. Suddenly, I realize he is turning. I try to finish locking the doors but it is too late. The regular now has a bloodthirsty look in his eyes and is about to attack me, when suddenly…)

Coworker: “Yaaaargh!”

(My coworker rushes a knife from the kitchen. He savagely attacks the zombified regular, with multiple stabs to the brain to bring him down. After the ordeal he is standing there, breathing heavily, covered in blood, staring down at the corpse.)

Me: “Well done getting the zombie.”

Coworker: *looks up in confusion* “He was a zombie?”

Only Likes Seoul Food

, | GA, USA | Working | March 31, 2015

(I’m the customer in this story. I am at a mall food court on a slow weekday and go to the Chinese fast food place.)

Me: “Is [one of the entrees] any good?”

Asian Lady Behind Counter: “I’m sorry, I don’t know. I don’t like Chinese food.”

Me: “…”

Asian Lady Behind Counter: “I’m Korean.”

Talking Turkey About Tofu

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | March 27, 2015

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you today?

Customer: “Um… well….. hmm… Is there turkey in the turkey sandwich?”

(I have been having a very bad day:)

Me: “Nope. It’s tofu.”

Customer: “Oh, I love tofu. I’ll have that…”

Practically Screaming Your Age

, | Yorktown, VA, USA | Right | March 25, 2015

(I work at a drive-in where you park you car and order food from a speaker, then we bring it to you. Sometimes customers let their kids make the order for them.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you?

(The drive-in is very new, and our headsets have pristine hearing.)

Mother: *whispering* “Tell them, ‘one chocolate milkshake.'”

Child: *screaming* “ONE CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE!”

(I nearly fall over as I jerk the headset off my ears. I can still hear talking through them.)

Mother: *whispering* “One vanilla milkshake.”

Child: *screaming* “ONE VANILLA MILKSHAKE!”

Mother: *whispering* “And two strawberry milkshakes.”

Child: *screaming* TWO STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKES!”

(I gingerly put the headphones back on.)

Me: “Okay, that will be [price]. Will it be cash or card?”

Child: *screaming* “I DON’T KNOW! I’M SIX!”

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No Sign That They Read The Sign

| TX, USA | Working | March 25, 2015

(There is a blanket-term for my local eateries’ signature dishes, named after the founder’s daughter. More than once, if we order exactly as it’s phrased on the menu, we’re given blank looks and told the item doesn’t exist.)

Me: “I’d like a [Signature Dessert] Shake.”

Employee: “We don’t have a [Signature Dessert] shake. We have [Signature Dessert], but no shake of it.”

(The employee was standing under the sign that said “[Signature Dessert] shake,” and if you looked over at the end of the counter, there was a five-foot-tall advertising banner that used the exact same phrasing. This sadly happened with other menu items with regularity at this location.)

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