Customer: “Can I have a cold ginger ale, please?”

I charge her for it and give it to her.

Customer: “You don’t have any other cold drinks? This doesn’t feel that cold.”

Me: “That’s all we have in the fridge.”

Then, it occurred to her that maybe it wasn’t as cold as she wanted because she was wearing latex gloves. She felt her drink with her forearm and realized that her gloves were blocking her ability to tell how cold the drink was.

People just love to tell you you’re wrong before figuring out that they’re in the wrong themselves.

My family is having lunch at a small restaurant when I’m about eight. My mum orders takeout to eat in the restaurant because she doesn’t like the food in the restaurant. We don’t realise that the restaurant has a “no outside food” policy. As the waiter begins to serve us our food, he notices my mum’s food.

Waiter:  “Sorry, ma’am, you’re not allowed to eat that here.”

My mum apologises and begins to put her food away. However, my dad is furious.

Dad: “What do you mean she’s not allowed to eat here?”

Waiter: “We have a ‘no outside food’ policy.”

Dad: “Bulls***. I’m just trying to have a meal with my family and you’re stopping us from that. Let me talk to your manager!”

The manager comes and tells him the same thing.

Dad: “This is bulls***!” *To me and my siblings.* “Don’t eat any of the food; we’re leaving.”

My dad forces us to leave the restaurant, and on our way out, I see the “No outside food” sign.

Me: “Daddy, look! The sign says, ‘No outside food’!”

Dad: “SHUT UP!”

I’m at a restaurant with the option to order at your table through a mobile device. While browsing the menu, I see an entry labeled “Brunch Special” with no other description. Curious, I flag down the nearest staff person, a busser.

Me: “Hi, can you tell me what the brunch special is?”

Busser: “Oh, uh, I don’t think we do brunch specials here. I’m not sure what that is. We do have something that we’re only serving today, though.”

Me: “Great. What is it?”

Busser: “I don’t know. I’ll find your waitress.”

The waitress comes over. I repeat my question about the brunch special.

Waitress: “I don’t know what that is on the menu. We don’t do brunch specials. There is something that’s only available today. Would you like to hear about that?”

Me: “Sure, yes.”

The not-brunch-special-special turned out to be pineapple upside-down pancakes, and yes, they were only available that day, for brunch.

A diner has put her own hair in her half-eaten plate of food and is now throwing a royal fit.

Customer: “I demand that my meal be comped, and I want to speak to the manager!”

I go into the back of the restaurant, pull out the orange hair with three inches of regrowth, and ask the Mexican guys in the kitchen:

Me: “HEY, DID ANY OF YOU BRING A WIG TO WORK TODAY?”

They tell me to f*** off. I go back out to the customer:

Me: “Ma’am, nobody on staff has red hair with blonde roots.”

I say this while staring directly at her disastrous dye job.

Me: “However, the manager said we would be happy to buy dessert for the whole table to make up for this strange phenomenon.”

The four other people at the table were clearly mortified and declined dessert. She ordered cheesecake and they all sat there and glared at her while she devoured it.

A friend and I are having a long-overdue catch-up over dinner and drinks. We’ve not long finished our meal and are waiting for another round of drinks while we think about dessert.

Waitress: “Sorry, can I ask that I move you to the bar if you’re only drinking?”

Seems like a reasonable request, if a little odd, as there seem to be plenty of tables available.

Me: “We were actually just talking about having dessert.”

Waitress: *Terse* “Well, are you having dessert, then?”

Friend: “We wanted a moment to decide.”

Waitress: “Okay, but we do need the table.”

Again, lots of tables are available. It isn’t as if it is about to get busy, either. The drinks take a while to get to us. By then, we decide to order dessert, and my friend goes to the toilet. No sooner has she left the table than the waitress appears with two women.

Waitress: “Oh, I thought you left.”

Me: “Nope.”

Waitress: “Well, as you’re not eating, you need to move.”

Me: “We are eating; we are just waiting for our food.”

Waitress: “You need to move.”

Me: “No, I really don’t.”

Woman: “It’s okay. We can sit somewhere else.”

Waitress: “No, it’s not okay.” *To me* “Come on, move!”

Woman: “Look, there are lots of tables left. We can sit by the bar. It’s okay.”

Waitress: “No, Mum. You want a window seat and there’s one right here.”

She gestures to me.

Me: “Just get your manager. I’m not moving.”

She stared at me, but eventually, her mother talked her round and she sat her at one of the other tables. We had our dessert and a few more drinks and didn’t bother ever going back.