Gunning For A Date

| CA, USA | Right | August 4, 2015

(I am female and have a love for outdoor activities. It is a few days away from Mother’s Day. I am walking a couple to their table and am chatting with them.)

Me: “So, do you have any fun plans for the weekend?”

Husband: “Yeah, I will be taking my wife fishing for her Mother’s Day present.”

Me: *excitedly* “Oh, really? That’s so cool!”

(The wife starts shaking her head.)

Husband: “Oh, I was just kidding. She doesn’t fish.”

Me: “Oh, well. you never know. For example, there may be women like me. If I had a significant other want to take me hunting for Mother’s Day, I would totally want to go. I figured that was the case.”

Husband: “You know, I have a son who is single and he LOVES to go hunting and shooting.”

Wife: “No, he doesn’t. What are you talking about?”

Husband: “No, he loves hunting.”

Wife: “He doesn’t even like guns!”

Husband: “Well, he will!”

Me: “…”

His Explanation Isn’t Kosher

, | NY, USA | Right | August 4, 2015

(I work in a college dining hall in the kosher kitchen.)

Customer #1: “Hey, so what is kosher anyways?”

Me: “Well, it’s—”

Customer #2: “It means the food has been watched over by one of their priests.”

Me: “No, actually, that’s a common misconception. It’s actually—”

Customer #2: “No, it’s not. That’s how it works. Clearly, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” *the guy is wearing a cross around his neck*

Me: “That’d be amazing, considering I’m an Orthodox Jew and I’ve kept kosher all my life. I wasn’t aware that non-Jews knew more about my religion than I do. Please, go on.”

(Customer #2 huffed and left. His friend looked slightly embarrassed and hurried away before I can continue my explanation.)

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Not Speaking Plainly Enough

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Working | August 2, 2015

(When my daughter was very young, she went through a phase when she wouldn’t eat pasta that had “stuff” on it. It was sometimes hard to convince restaurant servers that we wanted absolutely plain pasta.)

Me: *to server* “Could I get some plain pasta for my daughter, please?”

Server: “Sure!” *turns to leave*

Me: “Um, sorry to be a bother, but when I say ‘plain,’ I mean ‘absolutely nothing on it.’ No sauce, no cheese, no parsley, nothing.”

Server: “Plain pasta, got it.”

(When the food arrives, it has a garnish of parsley all around the edge of the bowl, some of which has fallen into the pasta itself.  My daughter stares at it in dismay.)

Me: “Excuse me; I asked for plain pasta.”

Server: “That IS plain pasta.”

Me: *points at the parsley*

Server: “That’s just GARNISH! It doesn’t count!”

He Can’t Hold His Drink

| Balboa, CA, USA | Working | July 31, 2015

(It is my last day visiting my sister and brother-in-law and they decided to take me to a restaurant off of a pier. They give us seating on their rooftop, take our order and deliver our drinks, which are regular fast food paper cups and straws, but no lids. As we wait for our food, one of the busboys is tasked with refilling all the napkin containers on the tables.)

Busboy: “Excuse me, let me just take care of that for you.”

(He reaches over me and grabs the napkin dispenser and refills it.)

Busboy: “There ya go—”

(At this moment he knocks my drink all over me, completely by accident, but I’m soaked none-the-less and he and I work towards cleaning up the area.)

Me: *looks at busboy*

Busboy: *looks at me for a good minute* “So… did you want another drink?”

Me: *as I hold my now empty drink and face-palming on the inside* “Uh… ya.”

Laid It All Out In The Open

| Orem, UT, USA | Related | July 31, 2015

(I’m pregnant, and my husband and I decide it’s time to start informing the extended family, since winter sweaters can only hide my growing bulk for so long. We start with his younger brother, and meet him for dinner and a movie.)

Brother: *holding up his beer* “You sure you don’t want one?”

Me: “Even if I did drink, I’d be off alcohol for the duration.”

Brother: “Wait, what? Do you mean you’re…? Congratulations!” *holds up his bottle in a toast, then takes a drink*

Me: “Yes, there is now physical evidence that your brother has gotten laid.”

Brother: *chokes on his drink*

Husband: *blushes*

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