Laid It All Out In The Open

| Orem, UT, USA | Related | July 31, 2015

(I’m pregnant, and my husband and I decide it’s time to start informing the extended family, since winter sweaters can only hide my growing bulk for so long. We start with his younger brother, and meet him for dinner and a movie.)

Brother: *holding up his beer* “You sure you don’t want one?”

Me: “Even if I did drink, I’d be off alcohol for the duration.”

Brother: “Wait, what? Do you mean you’re…? Congratulations!” *holds up his bottle in a toast, then takes a drink*

Me: “Yes, there is now physical evidence that your brother has gotten laid.”

Brother: *chokes on his drink*

Husband: *blushes*

He Can’t Hold His Drink

| Balboa, CA, USA | Working | July 31, 2015

(It is my last day visiting my sister and brother-in-law and they decided to take me to a restaurant off of a pier. They give us seating on their rooftop, take our order and deliver our drinks, which are regular fast food paper cups and straws, but no lids. As we wait for our food, one of the busboys is tasked with refilling all the napkin containers on the tables.)

Busboy: “Excuse me, let me just take care of that for you.”

(He reaches over me and grabs the napkin dispenser and refills it.)

Busboy: “There ya go—”

(At this moment he knocks my drink all over me, completely by accident, but I’m soaked none-the-less and he and I work towards cleaning up the area.)

Me: *looks at busboy*

Busboy: *looks at me for a good minute* “So… did you want another drink?”

Me: *as I hold my now empty drink and face-palming on the inside* “Uh… ya.”

Re-Dressing The Sauce

| Cartersville, GA, USA | Working | July 30, 2015

(I order my usual from [Popular Pizza Chain] and paid for it, everything looked fine but when I bite into my pasta, I notice that instead of Alfredo, everything tastes of ranch dressing. Needless to say, I call the store back, and this is the exchange.)

Employee: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I placed the order of two pastas online and we received both, but — and this may be me being crazy — but I swear this is ranch dressing instead of Alfredo sauce.”

Employee: “Sir, I assure you that cannot be the case. I made them myself!”

Me: “Are you really sure? Could you please do me a favor and check?”

Employee: “Sure, one second.” *she puts the phone down, but apparently doesn’t mute it as I hear about 30 seconds later, over the phone* “THIS IS EFFING RANCH, YOU IDIOT! WHY IS IT IN THE ALFREDO BOTTLE?!”

(The employee gets back on the phone with me, as I am dying of laughter.)

Employee: “Sir! We will have a fresh order sent out to you right away! It appears there was a slight mistake and I grabbed the wrong bottle!”

(They sent the remade order and even a free dessert! Thank you for being willing to check, and even taking ownership for the mistake!)

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Retract The Tract

| FL, USA | Right | July 30, 2015

(No one at my restaurant likes working the Sunday lunch shift, because it’s full of people who have just come from the nearby church. Most of them are total cheapskates and sometimes they’ll even get in your face about it. This Sunday, I’ve just delivered the check to a young couple.)

Male Customer: “Instead of a tip, I’m just going to give you this tract.”

(He hands me a paper and they both have huge grins on their faces as I can feel my expression turning into an obvious scowl.)

Me: “Oh, uh… thanks.”1

Female Customer: “I think you’ll find everything worthwhile about religion written down there.”

(I open the paper they give me as they get up to leave, and I get two surprises. First is a $20 tip on a $30 check, even though they said they weren’t going to tip me. Second, the paper is completely blank.)

Me: “This, uh… this is a blank paper.”

Male Customer: “We’re atheists.”

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Jetting Home

, | PA, USA | Working | July 29, 2015

(I am working a closing shift on a Sunday night. Normally this is a very slow shift at our restaurant, but for some reason we are experiencing a rush of customers. After talking to a few of them, my manager deduces that these customers are all coming from a specific location.)

Manager: “These people are all coming home from the New York Jets game.”

(I find this incredible, since the Jets’ stadium is a 2.5-hour drive from our location. However, I decide to get a bit creative in expressing my shock.)

Me: *apparently loud enough for customers to hear* “Are you kidding me?! There are people that LIKE the Jets?!”

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