Getting It Just Right

| SC, USA | Friendly | September 10, 2015

(My parents and some friends go out to eat after church one Sunday. One friend goes to the salad bar, leaving her young daughter (maybe three years old) at the table with her husband. My dad has a bad headache.)

Dad: “I need three Bayers and a dark room.”

(Friend comes back from salad bar.)

Friends’ Daughter: “Momma, can I go in a dark room with three bears?”

Friend: *completely confused* “What?!”

Owns A Very Crazy Personality

| USA | Working | September 9, 2015

(It’s my first day, and I’m very excited to be working as an apprentice baker, something I’ve always wanted to do. During the interview, I told the hiring manager that I had little experience, and he accepted it. He told a trainer to train me.)

Trainer: “So you take this and insert the filling in these cupcakes like so.”

Me: “Like this?”

(It’s my first time in a long time handling a pastry bag, and some icing spills out.)

Trainer: *glancing around, in a fearful whisper* “Try not to be messy…”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I—”

(Just then a screaming woman swoops down on me in rage.)


(My jaw drops in speechlessness. The trainer looks scared to death.)

Trainer: *quivering* “Um, well, she’s new, and uh, I- I’m just teaching her how to fill the c-cakes…”

Woman: *tearing at her hair* “DON’T LET HER DO ANYTHING! I WON’T PAY FOR THIS! I WON’T!”

(She storms off. I recover.)

Me: “Who was THAT?”

Trainer: *whispering* “The owner. She’s very strict so best stay out of her way or she’ll fire you. Be careful…”

(‘Strict’ wasn’t the word I’d use to describe her. I didn’t come back and soon found another job with a less psycho owner.)

With No Bacon, Comes No Responsibility

| NE, USA | Working | September 5, 2015

(I am a vegetarian out to lunch with some friends. There is literally nothing on the menu that does not contain meat, and as I usually do when this happens, I try to order something and ask them to hold the meat.)

Me: “Could I please have the club sandwich, but with no meat?”

Waitress: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I would like a sandwich with everything on it that the club has, except for the meat.”

Waitress: “Okay…”

(The waitress delivers our food sometime later, and my sandwich has a nice helping of bacon on it.)

Me: “I’m sorry but I very clearly asked for no meat on this sandwich.”

Waitress: “Oh, I know! I had them leave off the ham and turkey!”

Me: “But there’s very clearly still bacon on it.”

Waitress: “You didn’t want bacon either? You didn’t say that!”


The Name Is A Sticking Point

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Right | September 5, 2015

(I’m a waiter at a local pizza place and am currently on the phone with a customer that is placing an order. They’ve ordered a special which enables them to get their choice of either breadsticks or cheese sticks.)

Me: “All right, sir, would you like the breadsticks or cheese sticks with your pizza?”

Customer: *after much thought* “”Hmm, you guys used to have these breadsticks that had cheese on them. Could I get those instead?”

Me: “Sir? Do you mean the cheese sticks?”

Customer: “No, no. The breadsticks with cheese!”

Me: *clicking the cheese sticks button* “Oh yeah, the breadsticks with cheese! I can do that for you!”

Customer: “Thank you! You have no idea how many other [Store]s don’t know what I’m talking about!”


| Petaluma, CA, USA | Related | September 5, 2015

(My husband orders a calamari dish in a Korean restaurant and encourages me and our 10-year-old to try some.)

Husband: “Oooooo, look, tentacles!” *holds up a piece* “[Daughter] are you sure you don’t want to try some?”

Daughter: “I’m sure. I don’t eat anything with testicles.”

Me: “Ummm, TENTacles. And besides you do… Some cows, some chickens, any male animal.”

Daughter: “Tentacles. I don’t eat anything with tentacles. I don’t know why I said that.”

Me: “Maybe because you’re doing sex-ed in school this week?”

Daughter: “That must be it.”

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