Not The Lord Of The Flies

, | IL, USA | Related | August 11, 2015

Me: *violently swatting at the flies buzzing around my head*

Brother: “Stop it. You’re embarrassing me in front of the flies.”

Me: “I don’t care if I embarrass you in front of poo-eating vermin.”

Brother: “You never like my friends.”

Don’t Get Splinter Cell Either

| VA, USA | Working | August 11, 2015

(I work in the break area of a popular theme park. A guest is debating getting food from us.)

Guest #1: “I don’t know about getting food from here. I’ve heard bad things about this employee break area and I don’t want to get Sickle Cell from undercooked chicken or something.”

(I am about to correct her when the guest behind her speaks up.)

Guest #2: “I’m not sure but I think Sickle Cell is inherited.”

Guest #1: “I don’t know. I was never that good at geography.”

Can’t Think Under The Box

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Right | August 9, 2015

Customer: *calling* “You didn’t give me my entire order.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was your order?”

Customer: “I got a 16-piece family meal, and you didn’t give me my fries!”

(I had bagged the order myself, and knew the fries were in a box in the same bag as the box of hushpuppies.)

Me: “Did you look under the hushpuppies?”

Customer: “Yes, there is nothing in there but the hushpuppies.”

Me: “No, not the same box as the hushpuppies. Did you take the hushpuppies out and look under them?”

Customer: “Yes. We took ALL the hushpuppies out. There aren’t any fries in here at all. We are coming back up to get our money back.”

Me: *sigh* “Did you take the hushpuppies out of the box, or did you take the box out of the bag?”

Customer: “We took the hushpuppies out.”

Me: “Take the box out of the bag.”

Customer: “Oh, there’s a whole ‘nother box here.”

Me: *in Bill Engvall voice* “Here’s your fries!”

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A Meaty Proposition

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Right | August 8, 2015

(I work at a sub shop for about a year, where customers may have the employees customize their sandwich as it being made. A customer and presumably his girlfriend come in when it’s slow.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m hungry.”

Me: “Yes, sir, what would you like?”

Customer: “Is this the stuff I can get?”

(Gestures to the pans of food laid out for assembly.)

Me: “Yes, sir, and here are the types of bread.”

Customer: “Cool. I want wheat, and all the meats.”

Me: “All of them?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want all of these.”

Me: “That’s going to be very expensive.”

Customer: “Why?”

(I don’t make the sandwich, instead calculating what the whole single sandwich would cost with every additional meat including steak, chicken, bacon, ham, salami, bologna, turkey, and tuna. Something like twenty five bucks. Once he hears that, he looks at me like I was eating live scorpions and shoos his lady-friend right out of the door.)

Manager: *rubbing his temples* “I’m so glad I retire next month.”

Overly Loud Trash Talking

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | August 7, 2015

(It’s my girlfriend’s 21st birthday, so to celebrate I’ve taken her to a very expensive dinner. Part way into our meal two women who are very obviously drunk are seated next to us. The meal has ten courses, each with its own alcoholic accompaniment, and despite complaints from other customers about how loud and obnoxious the women have been the wait-staff are not allowed to stop serving them.)

Me: *to our server* “Is there any way you could at least water down their drinks? I can’t even hear [Girlfriend] from across the table!”

Server: “I’m really sorry; we aren’t allowed to say anything. I’ve already apologized to the other guests. Since you’re a guest you can say something if you want.”

(15 minutes later, after the women have finished bickering loudly about one of their exes and throwing their unfinished plates to the end of the table one of their cell phones goes off.)

Drunk Woman #1: “OH, MY GOD! YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IT! YOU’RE BEING RUDE!”

Me: *after finally having enough* “YOU ARE IN A $200 DOLLAR A PLATE RESTAURANT. IF YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE TRASH GO TO A TRASHY FAST FOOD PLACE!”

Drunk Woman #2: “Trash? Did she just call me trash?!”

(A manager rushes over to their table:)

Manager: “Ladies I’m sorry, but since you have done nothing but cause a disturbance since you arrived I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Drunk Woman #1: “We didn’t cause a disturbance. That fat b**** over there yelled at us for no reason! My father is going to deal with you!”

Manager: “Unfortunately, you need to leave.”

Drunk Woman #2: “OH, MY GOD! WE DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING! WE’RE NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN!”

(After they left the manager came over and offered us both a complimentary cocktail and a thank you!)

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