Her Brain Is Flat

| Humboldt, IA, USA | Working | April 18, 2015

(Being early for my lunch shift at a ’50s diner, I have a seat with our retired cook who still does some grocery shopping for us. She’s a bit of a grouch, but I enjoy her company.)

Coworker: *to cook*  “Would you like some more to drink?”

Cook: “No, thanks, didn’t taste quite right today.”

Me: *thinking she had her diet soda* “Is our machine losing carbonation again?”

Cook: “No, I had a [cold tea drink] and it tasted like it wasn’t shook up or something.”

(During this time my coworker, who likes to sound smart but is really a ditz, has taken a glass and tried some of the cold tea drink.)

Coworker: “I don’t think it’s hooked up right. There’s no carbonation.”

Me: “That’s fine. There shouldn’t be.”

Coworker: “But it’s from a fountain. It should be carbonated.”

Cook: “It’s tea. It shouldn’t be carbonated.”

Coworker: “But it’s flat…”

(At this point the phone rings and she leaves to take an order.)

Me: “Can I kill her? She’s already brain dead.”

Cook: “I’ll hide the body.”

Assumptions Are The Devil

| MO, USA | Right | April 17, 2015

(I work in a sandwich shop. I’m working the front counter and taking an order from a couple in their 60s or 70s.)

Customer: “What’s that you’re wearing?” *she points to my the Egyptian ankh I wear as a necklace*

Me: “It’s an ankh. It’s an Egyptian symbol of life.”

(Customer talks quietly to her husband for a moment then turns back to me.)

Customer: “Do you think it gives you special powers?”

Me: “No, I just like the symbol and life.”

(Customer confers with her husband again then asks, deadly serious.)

Customer: “So, do you worship the devil?”

Me: “No. I also don’t insult people just because I don’t understand them.”

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Too Chicken To Order The Veggies

| Houghton, NY, USA | Working | April 17, 2015

(My college fast food joint recently had a change in management. I am a vegetarian.)

Cashier: “What can I get you?”

Me: “Hi, can I have the veggie wrap?”

Cashier: “Uh… I don’t think we have those.”

Me: *surprised* “I’ve ordered them here before with no problem.”

Cashier: “One moment.” *yells back to manager* “Can we make a veggie wrap?”

Manager: *from back* “No! We only have a chicken wrap!”

Cashier: *turns back to me* “Sorry, we don’t have those. I’m not sure why the previous owners were able to make one for you. We only have chicken wraps.”

Me: “…Well, could I have a chicken wrap without the chicken?”

Cashier: *wheels turning* “…Hey, [Manager], can we just do a chicken wrap without the chicken?”

Manager: *silence* “Yeah, I guess we could do that!”

Cashier: “Okay! What would you like on that?”

(Every time I went there from then on, I had to specifically order ‘the chicken wrap without the chicken.’ Only ONE cashier in the next two years of me going to college there asked why I hadn’t just asked for a vegetable wrap.)

An Order That’s All Gravy

, | AB, Canada | Working | April 17, 2015

(Poutine is a very popular fast food item in Canada. It’s French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. This happened at a world-famous fast food chain shortly after they added poutine to their menu.)

Me: “Oh, and could I get gravy on my French fries?”

Clerk: “We don’t sell French fries with gravy.”

Me: “Uh… could I get poutine without the cheese?”

Clerk: “No problem!”

A Diminishing Set Of Returns

, | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Right | April 16, 2015

(I am working the drive-thru pretty late at night. A man that seems to be in his mid-20’s pulls up.)

Customer: “I’d like to order [Item].”

Me: “Sure, would you like a drink with that?”

Customer: “A Coke.”

(He deliberately mispronounces it so it sounds like something a lot ruder and snickers.)

Me: “Ah, sure. What size?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What size do YOU think it is? What size suits me?”

(At this point I’m fed up with his poor attempt at innuendo.)

Me: “Well, sir, we don’t have an extra small, but I can give you a small. Please drive through.”

(He shut up pretty quickly, and didn’t even speak to me for the rest of the transaction. I served him a few times after that and he was always very quiet!)

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