Always Exorcise Before Eating

| Pennsylvania, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m serving a lady who has come in with her two grandsons. While they are waiting for their food to come from the
kitchen, she flags me down.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could I have another glass of water?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll bring that right over for you.”

(I walk over to the waitress’ station, get her a glass of water, and bring it back.)

Customer: *in a creepy, fake child’s voice* “Thank you, mommy!”

(I walk away as quickly as possible. Even her grandsons look confused. For the rest of the night, though, she acts completely normal, as if nothing happened.)

Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide, Part 2

| Liverpool, UK | Food & Drink, Math & Science

(When a customer orders water at our restaurant, it shows up on their receipts as H2O.)

Customer: *loudly* “I think you’ve given me the wrong bill. You’ve charged me for H2O. I only had water!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “I want a refund. I’m not paying for something that I didn’t even have!”

(She carries on ranting for a couple of minutes until her friend points out to her in a surprisingly calm way that H2O is water.)

Customer: “Oh, is it?! I thought that was juice!” *slinks out looking embarrassed*

Related:
Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide

Some Concepts, Like Squid, Are Slippery

| Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

Me: “Certainly, sir.”

(I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”

Private, Privater, Privatest

| Morehead, KY, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in my section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons me over.)

Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

Me: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

User Error, User Fate

, | Kansas, USA | Food & Drink

(I am working a very busy drive-thru. A 20-something year old woman has requested a very complicated ice cream order: a small milkshake, made with vanilla ice cream with caramel, hot fudge, peanuts, and snickers on top, unblended, in a medium cup. It takes me a minute to figure out how to enter this in the computer. By the time the woman has paid, her ice cream has been made correctly, but in the normal small cup.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like this has already been made in the small cup. Is that okay?”

Customer: “No, I specifically asked for a medium so it won’t spill.”

Me: “Well, I can put a lid on it. Will that work?”

Customer: “No, I have to eat it now. Can you just dump it into a medium cup?”

Me: “I can scrape it into a bigger cup, but the toppings won’t be on top anymore.”

Customer: “Why not?”

(Searching for something to satisfy her, I find a cup sleeve that adds extra room to the top and fit it into her ice cream cup.)

Customer: “Will it spill?”

Me: “Well, it’s a removable sleeve. But if you keep it in there, the ice cream won’t spill.”

Customer: “But I have to eat it right now. Are you sure it won’t spill?”

Me: “If you spill it, ma’am, it will spill.”