Giving Birth To The Returner Culture

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Related | November 19, 2015

(I am out to lunch with a of couple girlfriends for one’s birthday, and the birthday girl’s three year old daughter. While I don’t have or want any of my own, kids don’t really bother me.)

Me: *after about five minutes of the girl hanging on me, including standing in my lap to wave to the kitchen staff* “Okay, [Birthday Girl], you can have her back now.”

Birthday Girl: “Nuh-uh, she’s yours now! There’s no return policy!”

Other Friend: “Honey, there was a no return policy when she fell out of your vagina.”

Turning Wine Into Comedy

| Albany, NY, USA | Right | November 19, 2015

(While at the restaurant where I work as a waitress, a bunch of priests are seated in my area. Four of them are pretty young, one is clearly older. They order wine, and I get to the last older priest, stumble, and the wine ends up in his lap. His face gets all wet, and I can tell he is trying hard not to swear…)

Priest: “I cannot believe this! You spilled wine all over me! I am all wet!” *some other words I think are Latin or some derivative thereof*

(I am horrified, but put on a solemn look.)

Me: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!”

(The whole table and some around us burst into laughter, except the old priest.)

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His Behavior Defies Explanation

| The Netherlands | Right | November 19, 2015

(My family is eating dinner in a local Greek restaurant. While we’re eating, we see a man come in along with two women. The man seems to speak an odd blend of Dutch and English. They’re quickly seated, and are served drinks and a complementary basket of bread and garlic butter. Moments afterwards, the man calls over the serving girl.)

Man:” Your boss! Go get him!”

(Despite her surprise at the sudden demand she brings over the owner of the restaurant. The man picks up a piece of bread as if it’s the most disgusting thing he has ever handled, and holds it up towards the owner.)

Man: “This is terrible service! This bread, it is dry, and it is cold!”

Owner: “I’m sorry that it seems to be dry, sir, and we had not realize you wanted it to be warm. I will ask the kitchen for a new basket of bread and have them heat it up for you.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! I must have warm bread. Why is it not warm?”

Owner: “Once again, our apologies, sir. We don’t normally serve our bread warm; however, as I said, we can certainly heat some up for you. ”

Man: “No! I want to know how you can think to serve cold bread! I must have warm bread! I am an American; we always have warm bread! I must have warm bread!”

Owner: “Here it is customary to serve it cold, sir, but once again, I can have some heated up for you. ”

Man:” NO! I want you to explain to me how you dare to serve cold bread! How dare you do this to your customers?!”

(At this point the owner is clearly fed up with the man but he stays calm throughout.)

Owner: “It is simply what we serve here, sir.”

Man: “No! I must have an explanation! You must explain to me how you think you can get away with this! Explain to me why think you can serve cold bread!”

(The man kept demanding an explanation, volume rising all the while, until the owner was forced to ask them to leave. When the topic of the bill came up, the women suddenly started claiming they hated the beers they were served. They were eventually given their drinks for free, just to stop them from starting another scene…)

Allergic To Common Sense, Part 7

| Anaheim, CA, USA | Right | November 16, 2015

(I am a training to transition from host to server at a popular chain restaurant. It is my first time shadowing someone and I encounter why serving is so frustrating.)

Customer: “I’ll have the Cranberry Balsamic Chicken Salad, please.”

(I deliver it to her.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what kind of dressing is this?”

Me: “It’s balsamic dressing.”

Customer: “Oh, balsamic?”

Me: “Yes, would you like some more on the side?”

Customer: “No… I’m allergic. I can’t have balsamic dressing.”

Me: “I’m so sorry!”

Customer: “This is the wrong salad. I need a new one.”

(I bring out the menu and explain her options to her.)

Customer: “I’d like this one.” *points to a photo of the salad she just received*

Me: “So, you’d like the salad you have now?”

Customer: “No. I can’t have balsamic.”

Me: “I can do a different kind of dressing for you. We have ranch, blue cheese, hon—”

Customer: *interrupting me* “No. No, I don’t want any of those. I want this one.” *points to the salad again*

Me: “That one comes with balsamic dressing. It’s called the “Cranberry BALSAMIC Chicken Salad, but you can choose from any of these dressings from the list right here instead of the balsamic.”

Customer: “I’ll just have a burger.”


That Attitude Belongs In A Toilet

, | Fort Pierce, FL, USA | Friendly | November 15, 2015

(I frequent a certain fast food establishment for lunch, mostly because it’s a two minute walk from my job. One day I decide to go in during breakfast to grab some food before work.)

Rude Customer: *not trying to whisper at all* “Look, he went in his pants again!”

(I see another regular being handed a coffee. I know for a fact this regular is a homeless Vietnam vet who goes in for the cheap coffee and he does in fact have some bladder issues.)

Worker: “Here’s your food, ma’am, have a good day.”

(I leave and think nothing more until I’m loading my food into my bike. The homeless customer is outside now, minding his own business and drinking his coffee when the customer from before leans out the door.)

Rude Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off till you learn to use a toilet, bum!”

Vet: “F*** you, man!”

Rude Customer: “At least I’m toilet trained!”

(The rude customer goes back inside and I give the other man a sympathetic look as I have mad respect for veterans. Finally fed up, I go back inside.)

Me: “You know, he can get toilet trained, but you’ll always be an a**-hole!”

(The entire restaurant applauded and laughed as I left.)

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