Not Quite The Creme Brûlée Of The Crop

| Australia | Right | January 23, 2016

(A customer at a table I’m not serving beckons me over as I walk past.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Is this a creme brûlée?”

Me: “Yes. Is that what you ordered? Is something wrong with it?”

Customer: “Oh, this isn’t what I thought a creme brûlée was. This is like… hard sugar with custard underneath… Am I supposed to pay for this?”

(She had already eaten three quarters of it at this point.)

Me: “I’ll go get our team leader to sort this out for you…”

(She then spent ages googling creme brûlée on her phone to try and prove that ‘hard sugar with custard underneath’ isn’t a creme brûlée.)

A ‘Step’ Too Far

| Germany | Related | January 20, 2016

(After my grandmother’s funeral, the guests assemble at a nearby restaurant. Note that since my father passed away early, my brother and I are my grandmother’s only living relatives. My mum — her daughter-in-law — is also there with us. The guests are currently offering their condolences to my grandma’s partner, and after talking to him, a couple I don’t know personally notices us sitting next to him.)

Husband: *to me* “And you are… the grandchild, right?”

Me: “Yes, my brother and I are her grandchildren.”

Husband: *to my mum* “Are they your children?”

Mum: “They are.”

Wife: “So you are…?”

Mum: “I’m [Grandma]’s daughter-in-law.”

Wife: *turning to her husband* “The daughter-in-law and her children. All right, you don’t have to remember their names; we won’t see them again anyway.”

(Her tone implied that she expected us to drop out of my grandma’s partner’s life, too, since he isn’t a blood relative. Needless to say, we were appalled — and of course we will stay in contact with our “step-grandpa”!)

Bad Jokes Will Be Avenged

| The Netherlands | Friendly | January 19, 2016

(I’m meeting with an ex with whom I’m still on good terms. We’re having coffee in a busy restaurant and are seated at a large table; there’s a woman sitting next to us. I have just told my ex a Marvel-related joke, which the woman also heard and found very funny. A while later, she is joined by a man I presume is her boyfriend.)

Man: “Excuse me, I don’t want to intrude, but I’ve been having a really bad day and my girlfriend told me you had a great joke. Can I hear it?”

Me: *surprised* “Sure. It’s in English, is that a problem?”

Man: “Nah.”

Me: “Okay. What’s Captain America’s shield made of?”

Man: “Vibranium.”

Me: “Right, What’s Hawkeye’s shield made of?”

Man: “Um, iron?”

Me: “No, Quicksilver.”

(The guy had a great laugh and told me I made his day.)

A Conversation Stopper

, | Hertfordshire, England, UK | Working | January 19, 2016

(I work with a lot of young students aged 16-18. One shift I receive a few complaints from customers with young children, complaining that they and their children can hear my colleagues’ inappropriate conversations about their weekend partying — including stories about sex and drugs. I call a meeting with my colleagues to talk to them about this.)

Me: “Now, you know I don’t have a problem with you guys talking a bit on shift so long as you keep working. But you shouldn’t have personal conversations within earshot of customers.”

Colleague #1: “Why not? If we’re allowed to talk then we’re gonna talk!”

Me: “Like I said, I have no problem with you talking while you work. I know you’re friends outside of work. It’s WHAT you’re talking about that’s the issue.”

Colleague #2: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, we’ve had some complaints about your conversations. Parents have complained that they can hear you talking about sex and drugs and how ‘wasted’ and ‘f***ed up’ you were. That’s not an appropriate conversation to have at work — especially in a family restaurant!”

Colleague #1: “Well, it’s their fault!”

Me: “What?”

Colleague #1: “Why are they listening to our private conversations?! They should mind their own business!”

Colleague #2: “Yeah! It’s rude! It’s illegal, innit?”

Me: “You are loudly talking, and swearing, about having sex and doing drugs, whilst serving our customers and their small children. That’s completely unacceptable!”

Colleague #1: “Well, they shouldn’t be listening to our conversations!”

Me: “…Wow.”

Pinot No No

| Lake District, England, UK | Right | January 19, 2016

(I work on the bar of a small restaurant that attracts a lot of upscale clientele. Our selection of wines is large for the size of the business, but we only have eight that we do by the glass (the house wines). A well-dressed gentleman aged around fifty approaches.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have a small glass of Pinot Grigio.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a Pinot by the glass. We do have a dry Italian white that is similar, though.”

Customer: *as though I’d slapped him across the face* “What kind of place is this? I’ve never heard of a restaurant not having a house Pinot Grigio. What else do you have?”

Me: “We have the Italian white, which as I said is similar to a Pinot grape, as well as Sauvignon Blanc and Chardonnay.”

Customer: “But you do sell Pinot Grigio?”

Me: “By the bottle, yes. It’s £18.95.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have a small glass of that. How hard is that to understand?”

Me: *losing patience* “We do not sell that particular wine by the glass, sir. If I open the bottle, I am required to charge you for the entire bottle and not just one glass. What I can serve you by the glass is this particular dry white –” *picking up the bottle* “– which is the most similar to a Pinot Grigio we have.”

Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I’ll try that one.”

(I pour him a small glass of the Italian white. He proceeds to aerate the wine as though he is a professional wine taster, before smelling it, sipping it and smiling.)

Customer: “Yes, this is a lovely Pinot Grigio. I’ll take a bottle, please.”

Me: *head-bangs the wall after he leaves*

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