It’s All Dutch To Me, Part 2

, | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Money, Tourists/Travel

(I am traveling with a group from my American university for a conference, back when the Netherlands still used guilders as currency. At the time they were at about two to one dollar.)

Classmate: “Wow! Beer is so expensive here!”

Me: “Not really… they’re only three or four dollars each.”

Classmate: “But it says beer is $6!”

Me: “No, it’s 6 guilders. That’s the currency here. Remember when we changed our money?”

Classmate: “No. That must be in dollars.”

Me: “Why would it be in dollars? We’re in Amsterdam!”

Classmate: “But stuff was in dollars at the airport. And I don’t get why [American beer] is so expensive and the [Dutch beer] costs less.

Me: “Because they have to import the [American beer] from America.”

Classmate: “But it isn’t an import!”

Me: “We’re in AMSTERDAM now!”

(By now, the guy behind the bar is doing an increasingly bad job of hiding his laughter.)

Classmate: “Oh, my god. How will I order? I don’t speak… uh…”

Me: “—Dutch? I’ll do it. You go sit down.”

Me: *in English, to the bartender* “Two beers, please.”

(The bartender gets me the beers, but only charges me for one of them, and winks at me. I tip him well and go back to my classmate.)

Classmate: “Wow! I didn’t know you spoke the language!”

Me: “I’m a fast learner.”

It’s All Dutch To Me

A Whirlwind Romance

| Traverse City, MI, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance

(I am talking to a guest who walked out of the dining room and came into the gift shop to look around.)

Me: “If you need anything or have any questions let me know.”

Guest: “Well I do have a question: are you single?”

Me: *hesitant* “Yes… Why?”

Guest: “Well, I have as son who just got a promotion and needs a girlfriend. I was wondering if you would marry him for his money, power, or love?”

Me: “I’d marry someone for love.”

Guest: “Good. I don’t want to introduce him to someone who is just after his money and power.”

Me: “Well, that’s good. Where does he work and what is his new position since he got his promotion?”

Guest: “He’s the head operator of the ’tilt-a-whirl’ at the fair!”

Me: *trying hard not to laugh* “Oh, well then, I’d marry him for his crazy amount of power!”

Has Beef With Their Non Beef Menu

, | Chicago, IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a fast food restaurant that only sells chicken sandwiches. People often jokingly ask for burgers, so I usually try to joke back with them.)

Customer: “So, I know you guys are a chicken place but can I just get a burger?”

Me: “Haha! Yeah, sure… Now, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A burger.”

Me: “Sir, we really only have chicken. There is a [Competitor’s store] down the street if you want a burger.”

Customer: “Seriously, though. You don’t have any burgers back there?”

Me: “I promise. It’s all chicken.”

Customer: “Fine. Can I get a fish sandwich then?”

Me: “…”

Accentuating The Problem

, | Paris, France | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(My family is on vacation in Europe with a large tour group, consisting of about 40 people from Canada and the US. My sister and I are trying to order at a Parisian McDonald’s, while a middle-aged Texan woman from the same tour is waiting in the next queue over.)

Me: *in bad French* “Uh, could I have a… McChicken?”

Employee: *in French* “Sorry, what did you want?”

Me: *in French, more clearly* “Um, McChicken.”

Employee: *in French* “Ah! Of course. That’ll be [amount].”

Sister: *to me* “I think you were trying too hard to get the accent right. You sounded ridiculous.”

Me: “I didn’t think it sounded that bad… At least I tried.”

(While waiting for our food, we can’t help but overhear what’s going on in the next queue…)

Texan Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a combo number four–”

Employee: *in French* “Sorry, what?”

(The woman gives the flustered employee a death stare, then speaks loudly and slowly.)

Texan Customer: “COMBO. COOOOOMBO.”

(We left then, so I don’t know if the customer ever got her food. To this day, no one in my family ever says the word ‘combo’ without putting on an exaggerated drawl!)

Thinks He’s So Grape

, | Norway | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I work as a wine waiter in a business hotel, where we often have repeat guests. One such guest, who always has a problem with something, is tasting a bottle of wine I’ve just opened.)

Guest: “This wine is bad. It’s corked, or oxidised, or something.”

Me: “May I test it?”

(I take the glass and smell the wine, knowing straight away that there’s no problem.)

Me: “I don’t notice anything wrong here. If you insist, I can open a fresh bottle.”

Guest: “Well, you obviously don’t know anything about wine or service. Of COURSE I want a fresh bottle.”

Me: “Very well, sir.”

(I take the bottle away, re-cork it, and wait a few seconds before returning to the table with a new glass. I open the bottle again as I arrive and I pour a little for him to taste.)

Guest: “MUCH better. Can’t believe you thought there was nothing wrong with the last bottle. You obviously don’t deserve to be in charge of wine here.”

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