Tim Burton’s New Art Director

| Wilmington, DE, USA | Related | August 24, 2016

(I am at a burger place, waiting for my order while my mom waits in the car. The walls are painted as chalkboards, allowing patrons to draw on them while they wait. I draw a bit while waiting for my order. Not long after I get my order and get into the car.)

Me: “I drew while I was waiting.”

Mom: “Oh, yeah? What did you draw?”

Me: “A heart with blue wings, a couple of butterflies, a sun, and then I wrote “Living Dead Girl” and drew a dead girl’s face with bloody tears.”

A Foot-Longing For A Different Girl

| FL, USA | Working | August 24, 2016

(I’m male and have a lot of female friends I’ve never been romantic with. I’m also a massage therapist. This means lots of hugging and shoulder rubs when I go hang out with my friends. One of my friends invites me out to lunch once a week or so and we go to a popular sandwich chain. While waiting in line, my female friend and I are rubbing each other’s shoulders and giving each other a hard time. When we got up to order, she goes first and I notice the lady behind the counter giving me a look.)

Me: “I’ll have a foot-long [Sandwich] on wheat .”

Employee: “Uh huh.” *gives me the weird look again*

(I ignore it and give her my condiment toppings as we move down the line. When we get to the register, my friend has her wallet out to pay for her meal.)

Employee: “Your total is [total].”

Friend: “Oh, no, our orders are separate.”

(She gives me a harder look and I just stare back, confused.)

Employee: “Your boyfriend there should be paying for your meal.”

(My friend and I both stop, look at each other and start laughing. The employee just looks confused for a moment until I can compose myself.)

Me: “Oh no, we aren’t…”

Friend: “No, no, no… we’re just…”

Together: “Just friends.”

Employee: “Oh, I’m sorry. You guys are in here together all the time. I thought you were a couple. I just kept wondering why he made you pay for your own food.”

(I just laughed it off and went to have lunch with my friend, making jokes about it and wondering why her being my girlfriend would mean I’d HAVE to pay. A few weeks later, my actual girlfriend and I go to this restaurant together and get served by the same lady.)

Employee: “Where’s your other girl? The one you’re always in here with.”

Me: “Well, that just sounds bad.”

Girlfriend: *jokingly* “You mean you eat sandwiches with other girls?”

Me: *also jokingly* “Nah, baby, you’re my only sandwich girl.”

(The employee had the decency to get embarrassed, but I had to wonder if she was trying to out me in front of my girlfriend. A week later, my friend, girlfriend, and I all went out to eat together and laughed about that lady.)

Here We Pokémon Go Again

| CT, USA | Working | August 24, 2016

(My boyfriend and I work in different departments of the same place. On a night we are both closing, I finish my closing tasks before he does, so I go to sit and wait for him. I open up the new Pokémon Go game and see something.)

Me: “Babe! There’s a Squirtle outside! I’m gonna go walk around the building to see if I can find it!”

Boyfriend: “Here, I don’t have one yet. Take my phone, too!”

(Our manager couldn’t stop laughing at us.)

Not How Diabetes Works But Okay

, | MI, USA | Working | August 24, 2016

(I’ve been working at a fast food restaurant for a month and a half at this point, but I have yet to learn everything. I’m making an iced coffee with flavoring when one of the managers comes over to the drink station with an order of her own.)

Manager: “That’s a lot of stuff in there. What did you put in?”

Me: “Cream, flavoring, and liquid sugar. Why?”

Manager: “Oh God, dump that out. You only put the liquid sugar in if there’s no flavoring.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(I dump out the concoction and start doing it correctly while my manager works on her drink.)

Manager: “That was going to have too much sugar. That was practically diabetes waiting to happen.”

Me: *without hesitation* “Like the rest of our food?”

Manager: “…Touché.”

Choose The Flip, Or The Other Four-Letter Word

| Hamilton, OH, USA | Friendly | August 23, 2016

(My 4H club (a youth organization) and I have all gone out to eat after a long day of showing at our local fair. One member, a five-year-old, decides she’s suddenly got something important to share…)

Five-Year-Old: *at the top of her lungs* “Look, everybody! Look what I can do!” *flips off everyone*

(Cue hysterical laughter from the advisor, and the mother of the five-year-old is shocked speechless.)

Me: “That’s, uh… Let’s not do that… ”

Five-Year-Old: *disappointed* “Oh… Why?”

Me: “That’s something grown-ups do when they’re really mad and it’s not nice.”

Five-Year-Old: *realization* “Oh, like ‘F*** you’?”

(The mother hides her face in her hands.)

Me: “Yes… Don’t say that either.”

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