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The Sauce Of Your Confusion

| USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

(Unfortunately, I am the stupid customer in this story while dining with my family.)

Waitress: “May I take your order?”

Me: “Yes! May I please have the grouper fish sandwich? But instead of tartar sauce, may I have broccoli?”

Waitress: *pauses* “I’m sorry, what was that last part?”

Me: “Can I substitute the tartar sauce for broccoli with my sandwich?”

Waitress: “You… uh… did you want the broccoli, like, on the sandwich?”

Me: “What? No. I just want broccoli instead of the tartar sauce.”

Waitress: *clearly confused* “Um… well…”

Sister: *laughing* “[My Name], are you confusing tartar sauce with coleslaw?”

Me: *turning a deep shade of red* “Oh, my God… What did I say?”

Waitress: “I thought I was the one going crazy!”

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Gin-uanally Confusing

| Cleveland, OH, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “I would like a martini, please.”

Me: “Sure, how would you like it?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “What kind of martini?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Gin or vodka?”

Customer: “Gin. Oh! And no vermouth.”

Me: “Okay, so, just chilled gin in a martini glass?”

Customer: “No, not chilled!”

Me: “You just want warm gin in a martini glass?”

Customer: “No! I just want it in a small glass.”

Me: “So… you’re asking me for a shot of gin?”

Customer: “Yes…”

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Not Really Buttering You Up For Good Service

| Fair Oaks, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I am taking an order from a table of four whom I have waited on only once before. Every single person at the table is allergic to at least one thing.)

Me: “For you, sir?”

Customer: “I’ll have the crispy salmon, but I just want it grilled.”

Me: “Crispy salmon, not crispy?”

Customer: “Yes, but listen, I can’t have ANY BUTTER. Have the chef grill it in olive oil, lemon juice, and capers.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll let him know.”

Customer: “Listen, instead of the mashed potatoes, I want a baked potato, with all of the fixings on the side except sour cream. I can’t have ANY SOUR CREAM.”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Also, instead of the carrots, I want extra asparagus, but make sure they grill it in olive oil, maybe a little lemon juice if they want, because I can’t have ANY BUTTER.”

Me: “No problem. I’m sorry, just to clarify, you said you wanted the salmon grilled with olive oil, lemon juice, and what else?”

Customer: “Capers. Capers. You should seriously have this down by now. I order this every week. I guess you do need to go to school for this job.”

(I go to the kitchen and tell the chef.)

Chef: “Did you tell him we don’t carry butter?”

Me: “Yeah… I told him last week, too.”

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