Today Is A Good Day To Pie

, , , , , | Romantic | February 2, 2014

(It is no secret that my paternal grandparents had a somewhat turbulent marriage. My grandfather died a year before I was born. I am 10 in this story and asking my grandmother how it happened.)

Grandma: “They’d just released him from the hospital for his diabetes and told him not to eat any sugar. I had these two beautiful blueberry pies I’d made for the church bake sale, and he went and ate both of them! He collapsed and went back to the hospital and died the next day.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Grandma: “I know! I worked hard on those pies! He knew darn well they were for the bake sale!”

Me: “But Grandma… he died!”

Grandma: “I know he did! And I had nothing to sell at the church because of him! He was just being selfish!”

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My Phone Is Dying

, , , | Working | August 4, 2013

(My grandmother has just passed away, and we are cleaning her apartment out when the phone rings. My dad answers.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is a message from [Grandmother’s Synagogue] for [Grandmother]. To hear the message now, press one. If you want us to call back, press two.”

Dad: “Well, we might as well press one and hear it.” *presses 1*

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is [Synagogue] with sad news. Congregant [Grandmother] passed away yesterday. Funeral services will be at [Date] and [Time].”

Dad: “Did they really just call her to tell her she died?”

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A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | August 3, 2011


(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her; it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

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Cold Calling

, , , | Right | December 12, 2010

Caller: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. Ralph [Last Name]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s dead.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m very sorry for your loss.”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s been twenty years. I think we’re over it.”

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Left At The Hereafter

, , , | Right | August 23, 2010

(I have to talk to many different dentists throughout the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)

Me: “[Company]; this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?”

Me: “Sure, miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here. May I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you.”

Client: “But you don’t understand! He just left!”

Me: “I understand, miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer, though.”

Client: “What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”

Me: “I see. I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon.”

Client: “Good. That’s all right then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous.”

Me: “Widow? Excuse me, miss, but is your customer dead?”

Client: “Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you, he left!”

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