CONTENT WARNING: Death

(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her; it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

(I am making calls to confirm reservations.)

Me: “Hello, may I please speak to [Name]?”

Customer: “I’m sorry, he’s not available.”

Me: “Oh, well this is [Their Name] calling from [Restaurant]. I am calling to confirm his reservation for 6 pm tomorrow night for two people. Do you know if he will still be needing the reservation?”

Customer: “I don’t think so, sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay. Will you let him know he can call to reschedule for another time? We still have a few openings for the next night.”

Customer: “That won’t be necessary. He died last night and we’re burying him tomorrow. Thank you for checking, though.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. We’re so sorry for your loss, and we’ll go ahead and take care of that cancellation for you.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you! Wait, do you guys cater funerals?”

Caller: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. Ralph [Last Name]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, he’s dead.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m very sorry for your loss.”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s been twenty years. I think we’re over it.”

(I have to talk to many different dentists throughout the day. The old ones speak in very old-fashioned Norwegian.)

Me: “[Company]; this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?”

Me: “Sure, miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here. May I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you.”

Client: “But you don’t understand! He just left!”

Me: “I understand, miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer, though.”

Client: “What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”

Me: “I see. I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon.”

Client: “Good. That’s all right then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous.”

Me: “Widow? Excuse me, miss, but is your customer dead?”

Client: “Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you, he left!”

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10 Stories About Customers Who Don’t Know The Names Of Things

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Customer: “I’d like to return these pants.”

Me: “Was there something wrong with them?”

Customer: “No, I don’t think so. They were my mother’s, but she died.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “It’s okay. Here’s the receipt.”

Me: “Did she wear these pants?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “The tags are off.”

Customer: “She just did that to try them on.”

Me: “But there’s a Kleenex in the pocket.”

Customer: “Well, she’s not going to be wearing them anymore. She died.”

Me: “I understand, but if there wasn’t anything wrong with them and they’ve already been worn then I can’t return them.”

Customer: “Wouldn’t you rather let someone buy them who is going to wear them?”

Me: “That’s not for me to decide. If there’s nothing wrong with them, I can’t return them.”

Customer: “Well, there’s something wrong then! They have a hole in them.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Where’s the hole?”

*long pause*

Customer: “You should just automatically make refunds for dead people!”

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