(My grandmother has just passed away, and we are cleaning her apartment out when the phone rings. My dad answers.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is a message from [Grandmother’s Synagogue] for [Grandmother]. To hear the message now, press one. If you want us to call back, press two.”

Dad: “Well, we might as well press one and hear it.” *presses 1*

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is [Synagogue] with sad news. Congregant [Grandmother] passed away yesterday. Funeral services will be at [Date] and [Time].”

Dad: “Did they really just call her to tell her she died?”

(It’s about a week after my stepfather’s funeral, and we’re still getting various letters from ends that haven’t been tied up yet. I’m calling his dental practice after receiving a letter saying he needs to make an appointment.)

Me: “Good morning, I’m calling about a letter my stepfather, [Stepfather’s Name], received this week. ”

Receptionist: “Oh, good, yes. He’s incredibly late for his next check-up. Shall I make him an appointment now?”

Me: “Well… he doesn’t really need one.”

Receptionist: “What do you mean, he doesn’t need one? Everyone needs one! Dental care is important! Tell him that if he doesn’t want to end up old with a mouthful of rotten teeth, he absolutely must look after them! Can you put him on the phone, please?”

Me: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to tell him, and I certainly won’t be able to do that.”

Receptionist: “Why not?!”

Me: “We buried him last Tuesday.”

Receptionist: “…I’ll just take him off our system, then.”

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(My dad, mum, two brothers, sister-in-law, niece, nephew, and for the first time my sister-in-law’s cousin are at my dad’s for Christmas Dinner. My grandfather passed away earlier in the year due to illness, and before we tuck into dinner, my dad gives a small speech about my granddad to celebrate his memory.)

Dad: “So, we hope you’re watching over us. This time last year, we were picking up the turkey you dropped when you tripped on the stairs.”

(My dad’s dining room is downstairs from the kitchen, and my granddad had indeed tripped with the turkey the previous year.)

Dad: “Thank you, Dad. Okay, who wants what?”

(We all begin helping ourselves to the various foodstuff in the middle of the table: turkey, mashed and roast potatoes, sprouts, etc. All except my sister-in-law’s cousin, who is looking rather pale and staring down at the table.)

Me: “It’s okay, Granddad didn’t die falling down the stairs last Christmas.”

Cousin: *instantly perks up* “Oh, thank God. For a moment, I thought that was how he’d gone.”

This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

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(I have worked as a bather at a pet salon for almost four years now. Our new assistant manager has taken over scheduling and has completely changed the way we request days off. One week, I absolutely need a certain day off because I’m going to a funeral. Lo and behold, when I get my schedule, I have the funeral day on. So I go to the assistant manager.)

Me: “Hey Jen, can I ask you something?”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Me: “Well, I really needed Friday off, but you put me on the schedule anyway.”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, I can’t give you that day off. You didn’t give a valid reason.”

Me: “My uncle’s funeral isn’t a valid reason?”

Assistant Manager: “If it was like, your mom or something, I could give you, like, the whole week off. But, like, not for some random family member who you probably don’t even know.”

Me: “I can work any other day but Friday. I’m sorry, but I just can’t work that day.”

Assistant Manager: “Whatever. Don’t show up. I don’t care. I’d like to see your a** fired! Just like, leave!”

(I’m fed up with her attitude, so I go off to the owner’s office.)

Me: “Hey Dave?”

Owner: “Yeah?”

Me: “I was supposed to have Friday off for my uncle’s funeral, but Jen put me on the schedule anyway. She said it wasn’t a valid reason.”

Owner: *sighs* “You’re only the eight millionth person to complain about Jen’s scheduling. I’ll have a word with her, but go ahead and take Friday off. H***, if you need any more days off this week, go ahead and take ’em. I’ll make HER cover your shift.”

(I got my Friday off, and Jen was livid when she found out that she would have to take my shift. She screwed up the schedule a few more times after that. Needless to say, she’s not allowed to do scheduling anymore!)

Me: “Hey, how’re you doing?”

Customer: “Not too good. My favorite aunt is dying and I have to go to the hospital.”

Me: “That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “Thanks. I’m gonna go there and hug her and kiss her to death.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “You know what I mean.”