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The Cats Demand You Pay Tribute To Apollo

, , , , , , , | Related | July 29, 2020

We’re the family from this story and this story — and no, that second title wasn’t our idea.

It’s been several years since then, and we have only one cat left, our orange tabby Apollo. He is now a venerable Old Man Cat who rules the house and has gotten increasingly vocal and demanding in his old age.

It’s Easter 2020, and we’re preparing dinner for ourselves. Apollo has been underfoot the entire time.

Apollo gives my husband a demanding meow.

Husband: “No! You have been fed. Stop it!”

Apollo gives my husband an even more demanding meow.

Husband: “If you are good, you will get tribute in the form of ham. If you keep yapping your jaw, you aren’t going to get anything.”

Apollo gives my husband a stern look and the most demanding meow ever uttered by a feline.

Husband: “No! You are losing ham by the minute. B**** and moan, you get nothing. Stop it!” 

Of course, we gave in and fed Apollo all the ham he wanted. This was one of our last back-and-forth conversations with Apollo, as his kidney issues worsened shortly afterward and he became increasingly sick. We had to help Apollo cross the Rainbow Bridge two months later. Our hearts ache and we both miss him terribly but we are so glad he will live on in stories.

The Cats Demand You Spill The Beans
The Cats Demand You Pork The Butt

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A Grave Error In Judgement

, , , , , | Working | July 21, 2020

My best friend of ten years has just passed away. I call into work to take some time off.

Manager #1: “This is [Manager #1] speaking.”

Me: “It’s [My Name]… I… I’m…”

I start crying.

Me: “My best friend just died. I’m not gonna make it in today.”

Manager #1: “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. Take some time off. I’ll check in on you later, okay?”

Me: “I… Thank you.”

I spend the next few hours mostly laying in bed and crying off and on. I get a phone call from work about an hour after my shift was supposed to start. I answer, and it’s a different manager on the phone.

Manager #2: “Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Manager #2: “Do you really think this is a good enough excuse to skip work?”

Me: “What?”

Manager #2: “Oh, come on. Your friend died? Is their funeral gonna be in the Bahamas? Will you need to take paid time off for this?”

I’m too stunned to respond. She continues harassing me, accusing me of wanting to party.

Manager #2: “If you think you’ll have a job—”

I suddenly hear the first manager in the background.

Manager #1: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Manager #2: “I’m letting [My Name] know that we won’t tolerate her bulls***!”

Manager #1: “Are you f****** kidding me?! Give me the phone.” 

I hear the phone being passed over.

Manager #1: “I’m so sorry about this. You have nothing to worry about. I’ll handle things here.”

The second manager got suspended and transferred to a different store. The first manager had a beautiful flower arrangement delivered for my friend’s funeral.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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Death And Taxes, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | July 21, 2020

I work for a local council. We have a regular landlord who comes in to complain about his tenants’ Council Tax. We have seen the tenancy agreements he writes up and some of them have ridiculous conditions for the tenants to sign.

Landlord: “I have been sent the Council Tax bill for [address] in my name, but I am not liable. The tenancy for [Tenant] hasn’t ended yet; therefore, he is liable.”

After checking notes on the system:

Me: “Sir, sadly, this customer has passed away. He does not have any living relatives or executors. As this property belongs to you, you are liable for the Council Tax.”

Landlord: “Well, his tenancy agreement is on your system, so you will be able to see that he signed it for until [date], making him liable.”

He made a ninety-six-year-old man sign a four-year tenancy.

Me: “Sir, he didn’t know he was going to die, did he?”

Landlord: *Arrogant* “No.”

Me: “Sir, do you know when you are going to die?”

Landlord: *Scoffs* “No, of course not.”

Me: “So, how do you expect him to pay if he is dead? How would you like it if I made you pay the Council Tax after you died?”

Landlord: *Again all arrogant* “You can’t because I’d be dead!”

Me: “Exactly.”

He walked away mumbling, “But he signed a four-year tenancy!”

Death And Taxes

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This Stadium Will Rise From The Ashes!

, , , , , | Right | July 10, 2020

I work for a major sports team at their stadium. A common request from diehard fans is to have their ashes scattered on the playing field after they pass. The team’s policy is to deny such requests.

One day, a small plane flies over the stadium and a container is seen falling from the plane onto the roof and bouncing off. The plane is from a company that contracts with families to scatter cremains at about 1,500 feet in the air, usually over the water or up in the mountains. In this case, the drop mechanism malfunctioned, and rather than scattering the cremains into the air, the whole container dropped off the plane.

Since everybody is very jumpy about potential terrorism, someone calls 911 and the fire department calls for a complete hazmat response: suspicious white powder dropped from a low-flying plane.

The stadium is completely evacuated and the streets around the stadium are blocked off for several hours, all because of some ashes!

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A Whole New Kind Of Dead-Parrot Sketch, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | June 25, 2020

My coworker messaged me this morning with this gem. Our stock person was on cash today, which she doesn’t often do.

Non-English speaking people often come in to buy canary birds; I was told by one it reminds his family of home. Apparently, one such customer came in today with a box and told our stock person the bird had “fallen asleep and not woken up.” 

Now, we do have to see a body, so my coworker took it to the back to set it aside. However, when she opened the box, she was met with a very much alive and frantic bird. By the time she came out front, the man was already gone with his refund.

Okay, fine. She took the bird back to put in a cage… and then came to realize that this wasn’t even our bird to begin with! He had just returned a bird, which he did not buy here, and he claimed it was dead.

I couldn’t help but laugh at how utterly bizarre of a scam was pulled there.

A Whole New Kind Of Dead-Parrot Sketch

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