Will Be In Hot Water After This

| Related | September 22, 2014

(I am on holiday with my husband and two of my children, 16 and 20. The temperature has been about 30C all day, which we’re not used to. We’re watching a film late at night, when my 16-year-old son pauses it to go to the toilet.)

Me: “I’m so hot!”

(My daughter, who is sitting next to me on the sofa, throws her arms around me, nuzzles in close to my neck and whispers in my ear.)

Daughter: “This…. is not going to help.”

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Most Meetings Are A Slow Death

| Working | August 12, 2014

(I work as a volunteer EMT for the town the ski resort is in. I have cleared this with my manager and she seems to be supportive of me leaving if an emergency happens and my pager goes off. I am on call which means that if there is a medical emergency, I am part of the ambulance crew. My pager went off during a meeting and I just got back from the call.)

Manager: “Next time we’re in a meeting don’t bring your pager. It’s unprofessional.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just let people die…”

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Lost And Found Rebound

| Right | April 5, 2014

(I work for a section of a resort that plans activities, sells discount cards for certain activities, etc. Our lost and found section is behind our desks, in the break room.)

Customer: “Have you had a brown purse turned in to your lost and found?”

Me: “Give me just one second and I’ll go back and see about that for you!”

Customer: “Can you make it quick? I really don’t have the time.”

(I go back and look for the purse in our lost and found. It is not there.)

Me: “Ma’am, I see no purses back there resembling the one you’ve described. You can fill out a lost item report and someone will call you if the item shows up.”

Customer: “I do not want to fill out a report! This is ridiculous! Let me see if it’s back there!”

(Customer charges back behind the desks, heading straight for me, full-steam ahead.)

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed back there!”

(A manager sees what’s going on and comes over.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I can assure you. If my employee didn’t see your purse back there, it isn’t back there.”

Customer: “This is bulls***! Let me go back there!”

(Customer charges again, only to be held back by my manager.)

Manager: “Ma’am, could you give us a better description of the purse?”

Customer: “Oh, my god! It’s brown, and has one strap. It’s Coach. It has an iPhone, a Coach wallet, and a makeup bag inside it!”

Manager: “Does it resemble the purse hanging off your shoulder?”

(Customer looks at her shoulder and her mouth drops open.)

Customer: “You planted it on me while I wasn’t looking! You were going to steal it if I hadn’t come back here!”

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Health Conscious Mosquitoes Source Their Food

| Right | February 10, 2014

(My wife and I are on vacation in a resort. We just had a ‘new arrivals’ meeting, and were told about possible malaria infection from mosquitoes. We both took the appropriate medication before traveling, but not everyone agrees that it is indeed necessary.)

Tourist: “Taking that medication is not necessary you know. I should know, since I work for [our country’s health regulation service]. Every person that has contracted malaria while on holiday here was from [a certain province]. Since we are from [another province] there are absolutely no risk!”

(We laughed so hard we had to leave the room, and are still wondering how the mosquitoes manage to determine the province of origin of the tourist they are about to feast on…)

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The Expiring Is Not Inspiring

| Right | January 7, 2014

(I do the entertainment program at the resort. Just to add, I am 25 years old. The children of the guests that stay at the resort will come and play with me. We do arts & crafts, colouring-in, swimming, etc. All the kids are currently sitting down on a round table, busy making some paper dolls. Between the kids there are two girls sitting across the table from me. They are between four and five years old.)

Girl: “So, where are your children?”

Me: “I don’t have any kids.”

Girl: “Where is your husband?”

Me: “I do not have a husband.”

Girl: “Boyfriend?”

Me: “No. I do not have a boyfriend either.”

(The girl elbows the other girl next to her, and says:)

Girl: “Isn’t she past her expiry date?”

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